sparrow15

I met my boyfriend when I was 16. We started dating when I was 19. Our first three years were wonderful. He went out of his way to see me, to make me feel special, we did everything and anything together. I was applying for professional school and he was so supportive the entire way. He even gave me a promise ring because I was not ready for an engagement. But we had very many differences - different goals, different ways of thinking. He was also a frequent marijuana smoker and very depressed and angry regarding his family. We fought often. Eventually he decided it was best to take a break - so that he could figure out what made him happy. I was devastated.

When I saw him in the intrim he was a ghost of the person I knew. He was angry, wreckless, cold and he was dating a girl within 1 month of us breaking up. I didn't understand how he was finding himself but he told me she was ok with him swearing and partying and doing coke. I was so hurt - he had always been a pot smoker but when did he want to do coke?

Four months after our break up he came back. They broke up and he didn't have anywhere to go. As hurt and betrayed as I felt I just wanted him back so I let him stay. He was acting like the friend I remembered him to be and I was happy. I blamed myself for our break up, for pushing him away ..so I tried so hard to make it up to him and support him. Then I found out his ex was pregnant and he had slept with her the day after we broke up. He wanted to try to make it work with her so his child could have a family. I remained his friend...completely devastated but supporting him through it all. Eventually they broke up. And a couple months later we got back together. I helped him get split custody. I helped him find a place. My trust was broken but after two years I was beginning to feel safe again.

But it was never the same - he was always depressed and down and having trouble keeping a job. I tried so hard to help him - finding new jobs, taking him on trips, to concerts trying to cheer him up and help him find happiness and excitement for life. But he was never interested. He would always have to run errands, or if we ever went anywhere for too long he always had to go meet up with his buddy right after. He didnt care to make me feel special....In 3 years I didnt get a single birthday card or christmas present. He didnt even want to spend his birthday together because he wanted to spend it with friends.

At first I thought he was depressed and cared about impressing his friends. Perhaps he knew I would always be around ( I had taken him back after a he got another girl pregnant after all) and took me for granted. When the distance and lack of time became worse I thought he was cheating on me - with a pretty girl that went out with him and his friends every friday - I was not allowed to come. One friday I went to his bar because I wanted to see him so badly. When I did he screamed and yelled at me and got kicked out. He broke up with me...and the only reason he had was that I should not have walked into HIS bar.

I left him alone. A couple weeks later he came back apologizing - apologizing for hurting me and making me feel so worthless and telling me that it was not his intent. I was leaving the city for work for 6 weeks and initially he called me everyday trying to make it up to me. Eventually a bailiff called me because they were looking for his car..we got into another fight and he grew distant and mean. When I was home for only one day he couldn't make time to see me cause he had to go to some party and slept the entire next day. Eventually I called him out on him having a relationship with this girl. He broke down and told me that he had a major drug problem. That he had been doing blow the last 2 years and that the day I walked into that bar he went home and slept with this girl....She also did blow and none of her friends knew so it was their secret. Every time he had gone off to meet his buddy they were going to snort lines. Every time we hung out he was high. For 2 years. He was so snappy and angry and mean and hurtful and I always thought it was my fault... my fault for pushing him away the first time we broke up. He was high every time and I did not know. I had leant him so much money between jobs for his car for child support. I had thought he was just depressed and encouraged him to talk to a doctor. I still wanted to build a life together.

I found all of this out 2 days ago. When he told me he said he needed to stop. That he was getting chest pains all of the time. That he was tired of hurting me. He told me that I have always been the only family he truly has, the only person who has always been there for him, and he always thought he could get better and have a life with me. But that he is tired of hurting me.

But when I asked him to come home with me that night he said he needed to go get high and go get drunk. And when I asked him to stop talking to this girl he said he wouldnt. That is was nice to have a friend who didnt have a history who he didnt hurt who understood.

I am sorry for this mess of a post and all the ramble but I am so hurt and so devastated.

1) The last two + years of my life have been a lie - I tried so so so hard to please him and I was dying for his affection. I thought it was my fault, something I had done. That I was not good enough. And all this time all he cared about was drugs. And I dont know how I could have been so blind to it.
I have read posts and am scared that I have lost him. I am scared that he will never be the happy caring fun person I knew 7 years ago. I am scared that he is going to have a heart attack and die.

2) I feel betrayed that he would sleep with another girl. That instead of talking, opening up to me, fixing things with me he would just do whats easy. I have always been there for him no matter how hard. I feel hurt that he would come back and apologize and say he loved me while he was still sleeping with her and emotionally attached to her. I had finally begun to trust him again.


3) I dont know what to do, I am scared and hurt and lost - I want to help him but I am so mad at him and dont know how.
I dont know how to move on. I have had him in my life for 7 years and we were friends for 3 years before that. He has been the love of my life. I have a wonderful family, a great job, so many supportive friends, financial security....And yet I can not let go of him. I cant understand how he would turn to drugs and how he would give up on life and himself and how he could love something so much more.

When he told me he just had to go get high and drunk and that he wouldnt stop talking to this girl I was very hurt and expressed that - I even told him not to speak to me again. But I can't help messaging him myself. He just tells me to leave him alone he's going to go end his life (Which is something he has said every time we fight for the last 4-5 years).

Help

JOIE12

Thanks for sharing and welcome to SR. You are here and you will find so much wisdom and hope. Reading your post shows me that you already know that this is unsatisfying for you. I assure you that if you leave him to fix himself (yes please start today), your future life and family will not regret it. He makes withdrawals only. Addicts are good at that. What does he bring you ? I don't mean the words or promises that make you temporarily feel loved and needed, but caring, truly caring about you.

Perhaps reading the stickies at the top of this forum regarding codependency will help you. I've had a life of it and regret is a horrible thing to live with.

You are young and there is a whole wonderful world out there waiting for you.
Hugs and prayers.

KariSue

You probably won't 'hear' this because a lot of us don't in the beginning (and way beyond the beginning) when we are caught in this web of drug use (in my case it is my son).

Honestly, the best thing you can do is cut off ties with him 100%. Also thank your lucky stars that you don't have any children with him.

He's probably not a bad person. In fact, is probably a wonderful person when not on drugs as you've seen. Most addicts are. Bottom line though as long as they are using you can't reach them...AT ALL. It is NOTHING YOU DO. (caps for emphasis, not yelling ) There is something we call the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The ONLY thing you can do is protect yourself from the fallout. Someday he hopefully will find his way out. Until then, you really can't to one single thing and it will only bring you a lot of pain trying to.

He wants to do drugs. He doesn't want you to bother him while he is doing drugs. You can't help him one single bit because he wants to do drugs. It took me years to figure this out and it wasn't easy dealing with the reality. He will be okay as addicts are very resourceful, unbelievably resourceful, as they have to be to keep up that kind of lifestyle.

Your friend is not unique. I've ready so many stories on here by other moms that I honestly thought "Did they meet my son?" I kind of chuckle writing this but they are pretty much the same. Only small details are different.

That said, I am so so sorry that you are hurting. It is rough. The best thing you can do is be mentally tough and just focus on your life. Anything else, I promise, will just bring you more heartache than you can ever imagine. You did your best. He HAS to handle this himself no matter what happens in the meantime and it IS NOT YOUR FAULT if something does happen.

Hugs, Kari

Lovenjoy

hi sparrow, i am so glad you found SR but i am truly sorry for the need. it is a very sad, dark world that the addict lives in. that doesn't mean you have to live in the darkness too. and i totally get the 'how could i have been so blind' comment. my son is the addict in my life but an addict is an addict is an addict.

i didn't know for 5 years with my son. since i have known i have learned much..... when we know better we do better. mostly i have learned that the only person i can help is myself. new terms for me were self care, be kind to yourself, let go or be dragged. i've learned i need to protect myself and that he is the only one who can do something about the way he lives.

again, i am so glad you've found SR and so sorry for your pain. i believe stumbling onto this community saved my sanity and helped me on the road to healing so i can now live a joyous life no matter what the addict decides to do.

there is much wisdom here from those who are and have traveled the path of having a loved one who is an addict. read, read, read and read some more. reach out to us. we are here for you. you needn't deal with this shock on your own. i had to let go of the idea that if i had known sooner i could have helped. as has been mentioned - you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can not cure it.

sending hugs and good thoughts your way. i just recently told my therapist, ya know my life is pretty good. you mentioned the really good parts of your life. focus on that and pray for him.

AnvilheadII

it's tough when we are faced with the realization that WE are not THEIR priority.......not even close. for years he lied to you but LET you pay for things, take him on trips, lend him money. after getting his EX knocked up, you dove right in to try and help fix that.

it never works when we try to orchestrate any life but our own.

as he's been coked up and sleeping around, you need to make an appointment to get checked out for STDs. he took advantage of you AND put your life and health at risk. he told you to leave him alone.

do that. leave him be. you've done enough, given enough. and all he did was take. he is no longer the person of seven years ago. he's harder, meaner, and addicted. HIS problem. not yours.

Twofish

Dear Sparrow,
Welcome to SR, and I do mean that.
I think Kari was referring to me...I too, for years stayed in denial and blame cause I couldn't fix my daughters. Even after my marriage started to crumble, I continued to think I could fix them, almost like a mom would fix her child's skinned knee...but this is a wound only the person drowning in addiction can fix....
The guilt and blame that I didn't see it coming, made me as sick as they were.
But, I am teachable still. I learned many tools as I read other members experiences and I started one day, not so long ago, to start taking care of me. ME first.
And I became stronger, wiser and healthier.
You can do this too! Please don't do this alone, we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers of peace coming to you from a few thousands of your friends,
TF

KariSue

No, no, no I wasn't thinking of your case at all. I was thinking of mine, for the record.

I just had a lot typed out and my grandson hit the back key....grrrr.

But that you think I did just proves that all our stories are similar like I said.

I think the OP is in a place where I was very early on. She may not listen like I didn't but it was worth it to try and tell her the way it is. I remember when I first came on and people kept telling me to take care of myself I was pi$$ed. I was thinking "How in the world is taking care of me going to help HIM or US?"
I didn't get it for a long, long, long time. (slow learning curve)

One always thinks they can do something, just say the right thing, talk them into getting treatment, love them enough and on and on. When you find out that nothing you ever did (even after years) worked you just have to accept it and try not to get hit by the flying sparks. Then I had to get husband on board. That was really hard but finally it happened! We are doing tough love finally (although we dabbled in it up until now) and it is really tough. One day at a time for us too.

Kari

ladyscribbler

I felt that way about my ex sometimes, sad and depressed that while I was wearing myself out doing things for him he only cared about drinking. It took precedence over everything else in his life, me, our son, everything.
In working on myself, I have realized that I was lying to myself as much as he did, and that everything I did for him was my choice. Waiting for him to appreciate it was just a recipe for resentment. I was the one who needed to look out for my best interests, because he was never going to do that while he was active in his disease.

I found this article posted on the F&F of Alcoholics forum by NWGRITS very helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ot-enough.html

Lots of really good insights on this thread already, especially re the no contact suggestion. You have no children or other permanent ties to this man. As much as it might hurt in the beginning, it will be much less painful in the long run.
Hugs to you. So sorry you are going through this. Take care and keep posting.

jjj111

Ladyscribbler, that article is great. Such simple truths, and yet somehow it's taken me over 20 years of dating to even to begin to figure it out! I think for a long time I thought that I wasn't capable of a love affair that left me feeling good about myself. In the three years since I broke up with a cocaine addict, I have barely dated because I knew I needed to take the time to let these kinds of insights sink in. Somehow I saw all the red flags but still thought that love would make things come out right in the end. These days I'm much more into the idea of getting to know someone well and figuring out whether we might be compatible BEFORE getting involved. Sparrow, I hope that you find some peace. If this relationship doesn't work out, it might be worth taking some time before the next one to think about what you want in a partner and what red flags you won't be willing to overlook in the future. Good luck!

Twofish

Ladyscribbler,
Thank you for transporting the "Love Is Not Enough" over to this Forum.
I saw myself in every word.
Too bad it took me 30yrs to realize it.
TF

sparrow15

Thank you everyone for you caring words and support. I am overwhelmed by the responses. It took me a while to get through them without crying. The 3 C's are very helpful...I've been repeating it to myself all day. I really love the article too.

Part of me wants to be in denial - to go back to not knowing. To go back to ignoring all the signs, to have him message me how my day is going, what I am doing and tell me he cares even though I know that the words are empty, that he would never make the time for me. That although there would be some days that were better than others..the relationship would never be going anywhere.

If he had told me he wanted me to help him I probably would have tried. And I know that that would have pulled me into a dark hole. So in a way I am glad he is giving up on me and found someone else.

The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions.
From feelings of failure...to feelings of relief.... I wonder why what we had and our dreams together werent enough to say no " to the cool thing to do at parties", to realize that while it was a temporary fix that it would pull him the black hole and ruin what we had. And at the same time I feel relieved...there was no way I could ever be enough. There is no way that I could ever compete ...and it was never about me.

I feel so much pain that it is unlikely he will recover anytime soon, if ever, and that there is nothing I can do to help. I remain hopeful, but even the hope makes it hard to keep away and resist the temptation to message him.

What I really want to say is thank you - for making me feel so much less alone.

djlook

Sparrow15

I identify with every feeling and the emotions you're going through. The good thing is, if you can keep doing what you're doing and not have any contact with him you are going to heal.

I got into what I call "the relationship from hell" immediately after a 19-year marriage to a practicing alcoholic. The "relationship from hell" was worse because I invested everything into making it work. I went the whole nine yards with the money and everything you have talked about.

I was a business owner, owned my own home, was (still am) a mother, a respected person in my community. I abandoned everything and everyone, chasing a vapor, a shell of a person, while he was chasing another good time, a party, a bottle, the perfect woman. I sold out to what I wanted that relationship to be.

The thing of it is, I kept picking the same kind of man after that relationship ended. I finally got some help for myself. Today, I would not treat myself that way. It's not about "him" anymore. After I sought help, I find myself choosing healthy people to be around. I get bad vibes when I'm around "sick" people and I take a hike. I don't wait for them to go first and leave me begging and groveling for their love and attention.

The man I'm married to now and have been for 15 years puts me first. His words and actions match. I am loved, cherished, respected, I feel safe, my trust has been restored in people and I can laugh again. I take pleasure in the smallest things.

Alcoholism/drug addiction is a selfish disease.

I have no doubt I could pick up the phone and call "the relationship from hell" and we would pick up right where we left off. My innocence would once again be taken from me. I get chills up my spine just thinking about it, and not good ones either.

It was good to read your post and hear that you're feeling better. You're exactly right. There is nothing you can do for him. It sounds like you know now that all you can do is protect yourself. Don't be surprised when he shows back up. He will. I promise.

zoso77

Sparrow,

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad our members have greeting you and have given you the feedback that they have, so now I guess it's my turn.

This stood out:

The passage I highlighted in bold print is, in my view, cutting all ties with him once and for all. Instantly. But you didn't. And now, here you are.

I point this out not to be critical. All of us here on the board have come to forks in the road with the addict in our lives at one point or another. In my case, I came to that fork at least three times, and each time, I chose to give my then AGF the benefit of the doubt. It's the sort of thing one does when they either love someone a lot or they're highly codependent. Usually, it's a mixture of both.

Every decision we make has intended and unintended consequences. What you've been experiencing are the unintended consequences of giving a sick, pernicious person chance after chance after chance. And how has that gone?

Sparrow...read this very carefully.

You can't help him. No one can help him. And the reason he has turned to drugs is, in the beginning, he wanted to. For whatever reasons he had, he wanted to. And he's choosing to stay stuck, and choosing to squeeze every last bit out of you that he can. Because he can. What consequences has he faced for treating you the way he has?

None. Absolutely effing none.

You have spent all of your young adulthood coupled to someone who has no respect for you whatsoever. So now you're at another fork; ditch him, or stay coupled to him.

If you stay coupled to him, you will endure more of the same, and perhaps worse.

If you ditch him, you'll hurt for a while but gradually heal.

He is not going to change. There is no evidence that he wants to. And in that regard, he's not unique when compared to other addicts. To change...to become a responsible adult...is a lot of work. What evidence is there that he's interested in growing up?

You have a lot of good things in your life. Those are the things you want to nurture and protect. Lose him, Sparrow. Ditch his arse once and for all, and allow yourself to begin the process of healing.

Take care of you.

Twofish

Dear Sparrow,
You will never be able to change or fix his unhealthy choices. Never. And I'm sorry you are in such pain...that pain is REAL and it sucks!
What you can do, when you are ready, is take care of YOU first. In a healthy caring way.
You might not see that yet, but we do.
We care about you, so now, it's time you do the same.
Respectfully,
TF

jjj111

Sparrow, my experience was that the hardest part of dealing with my AXBF was the stress and hurt of dealing with his chaos. Taking the blinders off and facing that I was not able to change him was also difficult, and I certainly cried many tears mourning the relationship I'd fantasized about having. But I also felt a huge sense of relief once I'd made the decision to detach. I slipped up a few times and reached out to him again, but once he realized that the tide was turning and I was no longer going to give him money and look the other way when he acted badly, he began to withdraw from me. And it really was a blessing, as much as it hurt. There is peace for you on the other side of this pain.

Overit23

Sparrow welcome to SR and sorry to hear your going through so much pain.
Been going through this myself for 27 years of marriage. The one thing I can share with you is find a good support system. I go to Alanon, and work on you...get yourself strong and go on with your life. You sound like a great and caring person that just keeps getting sucked in...he said leave him alone~sounds like that would be the greatest gift he could give you. Next time he comes knocking on your door hopefully you will have the strength to keep it closed. God Bless~

Twofish

Dear Sparrow,
How are you feeling today?
Do you feel the support and the love SR is sending you?
We care about that "sparrow" inside, and WE won't ask you to leave
us alone!! You are one of us now, the few thousand strong, the SR family.
Please take care of yourself!
Hugs!
TF

sparrow15

Today has been a harder day. I have not spoken to him since Saturday* but he has messaged me this morning saying he's* sorry and that he doesn't blame me for hating him.*(he also said he was going to end this so as not to ruin anymore people's lives and that he wishes me the best) I haven't responded* but it has left me with a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach all day.

I am proud of myself, for not messaging him, for not checking emails and Facebook. This time around I am able to sleep through the night, I am able to eat (even just a little), I am able to be with friends without checking my phone a million times* ( now its maybe only a thousand), and I am able to limit the amount of time I spend wallowing, crying. I have tried very hard not to over analyze ever memory. And I have tried not to picture him at parties or with her.

That being said he messaged me** and it felt nice to know he's thinking of me...even if it was just long enough to send me a manipulative message...which is probably not a good thing. I know it doesn't change a single thing. And there is nothing that I could respond that would. I know that going back would be just that* a step backwards. I know it would mean sacrificing the peace and calm I feel right now. I long so much for a healthy relationship and I hope to still get married one day and have kids. I know that he is not in any place to offer those things* and may never be. And I feel like I am heading in the right direction.*

I guess right now I am scared of slipping and falling right back.* I wish he wouldn't message me just as much as I wish he would and tell me this was all a big joke.

I don't quite like being alone for any long period of time right now so I think I will stay with my parents for the rest of the week. And I will keep reading your posts. Whenever I feel weak I look for more of your stories, responses and the articles that have helped others. They give me clarity and ground my thoughts..bringing me back into reality and acceptance.

djlook

Sparrow,

So glad to see your post and that you're feeling better off and on. The emotional healing began for me once I got the physical distance and kept it. Anytime the thought comes to you to text him if you'll just reach out here and post a message it'll break the obsession and disrupt the cycle.

I've been told in recovery that if I did the same thing I've always done in the past and expect different results, that that's the definition of insanity. It'll get better, you'll get better, it won't come as often and it won't last as long, nor will you have to start all over again. Hang in there.

zoso77

Well, keep in mind that the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach was what he had in mind when he said what he said. It's called manipulation.

I encourage you to consider changing your number. That will shunt his efforts to play you once and for all.