I understand what you're saying, Rosalba. I've been working hard to separate myself from her adult decisions for the last year or so. I've learned enough here and through Al-Anon that I know I need to let her suffer her own consequences. And that I can still assure her that I love her without cleaning up after her.
She came over to visit last night. I shared a lot with her about what I've learned about myself in the last few years. And about alcoholism and addiction and what it means to be the child of an alcoholic. She listened to every word and shared some. I don't know where she'll go from here. I really don't. And that's the hard part. As atalose shared, no amount of anxiety can change the future. I'm really trying to not let her current troubles get to me.
I've learned that the fierce instinct to protect that comes with being a mother is a hard one to relinquish, or adjust as needed as my kids grow. It seems like a blink ago that dd was an innocent newborn whose very life depended on me. It's just hard.
Her aunt told her she'd love to have her come and stay with her for a while. She lives a few states away. I think it would be a great, healthy move for dd, but she doesn't sound interested right now. I'll just keep letting her know I love her while she finds her way. I encouraged counseling again last night, but she clammed up at that. I will keep praying that that changes.
As for me, I know I need to find someone to talk to face to face. I've been holding back tears and putting on a smile for the past two days, but I noticed tonight that I feel a lot of anxiety from stuffing all of this right now. It's not working. I know I need to do something for myself, just not sure when or how to do that right now.