lillamy

Hopeful, I can relate to this. I was unbreakable before my alcoholic marriage, and after it, I was broken. It was as if the reality of evil (or bad things or pain or whatever word you want to use) had entered my world. And once it had been there, I was no longer unbreakable. I had felt it and I knew it could return. And then I started fearing it everywhere.

I didn't know what anxiety was before I met AXH. And it's hard to admit how much the marriage affected me. That it really changed me and turned me into a person I no longer recognized.

I'm working on becoming "me" again. It won't be the same me as before the alcoholic marriage. It will be a more cautious, more suspicious me. But I refuse to live the rest of my life in fear of the other shoe dropping. That's what it feels like to me. I can't pinpoint what "the other shoe dropping" would be -- but I keep worrying about it. And like you're describing, it's usually things that aren't really that big of a deal (well, except ebola, that would be a big deal).

One thing I try to do when I get anxious about something is to rationally consider it. One: What is the worst thing that can happen if you have to check your carry-on (that's a big worry for me too when I travel, I know it sounds silly)? You have to take out a few things and then check the bag. Presto, done. Two: What are the chances, really, of what you're worrying about happening? Ebola? Well, last count, I believe there are four identified cases in the US. You're probably more likely to be hit by a comet than to catch ebola.

But sometimes that reasoning doesn't help me because what I think I'm anxious about isn't really what I'm anxious about.

Here's how it works: Your body produces hormones that make you feel anxious. For whatever reason. Your brain then goes "hey, you're feeling anxious, body -- let me look around and see if I can determine what the reason is for being anxious. No saber tooth tigers. Nobody threatening your life. Oh, but look -- there's a garbage can over there. I bet that's a really DANGEROUS garbage can. Yep. I'll decide that the GARBAGE CAN is a deadly threat and you should be REALLY anxious about it being there."

The brain looks for something to "hang" your feelings on. They did studies about this in the 60s, before it was deemed unethical, with college student volunteers. They'd close them in a room with ONE item -- a Coke can, a chair, a writing pad -- and then flood their system with anxiety inducing hormones (adrenaline and cortisol). In every single case, the test person became convinced that that ONE object was out to kill them and they needed to get away from it.

I love that story because it sort of puts my anxiety in perspective. If you're being chased by a saber tooth tiger, it makes perfect sense to be anxious (and to run like hell, or something). But most of the time, my anxiety is not caused by anything dangerous -- my mind just finds something to attach the feelings to.

So I'm wondering if SparkleKitty's question is the real one here: Is your anxiety really about your RAH relapsing while you're gone, and you're attaching that anxiety to a bunch of other things because you know you don't have any control over what he does?

I hope you got on that flight fine and that your anxiety died down. (((hugs)))