I ended up going, and it ended up being fine. I was told up to when I arrived that X wasn't going, but he ended up getting a pass. Spent time with his neices and nephews, and I'm glad. He didn't say hi, or talk to me, except to tell me his brother was looking for me.
Turns out, he wanted his brother to ask me for money. Under the guise that it was for the brother, not for X. The brother flat out said that's what it was for, and said he was just going to report I said no. Which I did.
I talked to X's coworker on the drive to the party. Found out a bunch of things that I didn't want to hear but probably needed to. Basically, it seems like the entire relationship after X got home was a lie. Because the coworker had already noticed X showing up to work high, leaving early, slacking off. And that was about the time I noticed things going south. But I didn't know why or what to do. They met up in jail before X went to treatment, and X was going on about how he was going to marry the new girl and have a baby. I said that's funny, we were still together until about two weeks before that. The coworker just said he was sorry. I'll find someone better. Everyone says that.
I email one of X's cellmates from the states. We have become friends, I guess you could say. As much of a friendship one can form with boyfriend's cellmate in prison, haha. But he calls to check up on X and see how I'm doing. I said well it seems more and more apparent everything was a lie. He said yeah, I can see that because he doesn't speak with me anymore. But you (aurora) will be ok. X doesn't deserve anyone of your caliber. You'll find someone better. But while X was there, I was his future, and I was who he wanted to be with.
Yikes. Maybe the addiction took hold and took over? I mean, X couldn't have been using during his incarceration (well, I mean, who knows what gets snuck in there, really), but coming home and getting out of the HWH he slipped again.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe this rehab will be the catalyst of each of our changes.
I'm going to Alanon tonight. Naranon only has 3-4 people meet once a week, so it's hard to get to (see, we all make excuses don't we?). This Alanon group meets Mondays and Thursdays. I went last Thursday during an anniversary celebration and a speaker from out of state gave a wonderful speech. So I'm going back. I just hate group talk. I know I don't have to say anything until I'm ready, but ugh, I hate speaking in front of people. I like one on one stuff. And anonymous postings behind a screen!
I still wonder if I should be going. I've mentioned going to friends and they sort of look at me and wonder why I want to. This is just a break-up. There's nothing wrong with me. But I feel like I'm stuck. I just can't picture being with anyone else yet.
But I don't treat anyone else like I treated X. I was at a dinner with some friends the other night, and one of their phone's went off. I realized I do not care who he was talking to. That's not the case with X. I always wondered. Just a small example. I hated doing it. I hated playing detective or spy. But I couldn't help it. I don't know even know why I was doing it.
I'm not sure when I stopped believing X's actions. He'd tell me he wasn't a nice guy, he was an A**hole, and ruins everything. I didn't believe him because that's not what I saw. I believed his actions. And when that's how he became, he was telling me everything was OK, and I believed his words. When did it cross over?
Not sure what the point of this was. Just typing, I suppose, because I'm procrastinating at work.
Ugh. Addiction is ugly.