Invitation to AXBF's family function this weekend

Old 10-01-2014, 11:27 AM
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Invitation to AXBF's family function this weekend

Hello, all.

I was sent a FaceBook invitation to my AXBF's family event this upcoming Sunday. It's his dad's and nephew's joint birthday party. For anyone who has tracked my threads, I worked with X's dad and am very close with him, and his nephew is one of the kids I had for a while during X's sister's crisis. So, whether or not X and I were ever together, I would be invited.

My struggle comes from choosing to go. I would love to. I love his family dearly and the nephew is turning 13. I have a blanket I'm making for him. And of course, I love his dad.

Last birthday party of his family's I went to, X dumped a water balloon on me. As a joke, apparently. The joke is on him, because his family all seemed to think it was a mean and immature thing to do.

I don't want to make things awkward if he is there.

I guess I should stop this whole story and say I'm not sure if X will be there because he is currently in an inpatient rehab facility. His 90 days will put him released in about three weeks. If he gets a pass to go, he will be there. As far as I can tell, he hasn't had a pass since the Great Waterballoon Incident of September (as I like to call it, ha!)

So again, not sure if he will be there. I've been welcomed to his family with open arms, and was friendly with them before even meeting X. His older sister (nephew's mother) is putting the whole thing together and was the one to invite me. She has told me from day 1 that if X and I ever broke up, she and I don't have to break out friendship. That's the consensus everyone has given me (well, all who have said anything to me).

The advice I have received on here has been to seperate from the family for a while. I have done so, kind of. I have seen the family, but am no longer staying weekends with them.

As for me, I've been sick with the flu/cold all month! So I've been sleeping a lot. But on a serious note, I've been reading through this site, finished Codependent No More, reading other books on addiction/recovery/codependency. I hung out with some old friends over the weekend, that was good. Cleaning my room up (ugh!) and trying to wrap up some projects I have laying around. Oh, and setting up my new computer!

I still miss my X so, so much. And I still drive myself crazy thinking about him. I guess I'm doing that whole trying to rationalize the irrational thing: why this, why that, why me, why us, why?! And I still get sad thinking about the fact that he cheated on me and dumped me. But, I've read on here that cheating and addition are not hand-in-hand, so maybe the cheating is the boundary he crossed that can't be fixed. I'm having a hard time accepting that. Very hard. I never didn't want to be with him because of addiction, but I never thought he was an active addict, either.

I'm worried that by being at this party, and if he's there, it will be awkward. Everyone knows (most of) what happened, and I don't want to infringe on his day out to spend with his family. They are his family, after all (see, I'm slowly getting it!) But I don't want to stop what I would regularly do because of him. And I'm worried his sister and nephew will be hurt if I don't go. I kind of feel like I should just put on my big girl pants and say who cares if X is there, I'm going to have fun! (Maybe that would be more appropriate if it weren't his family's funcion?)

I know I'm worrying a lot about what could or couldn't happen, but I'm just looking for some thoughts.

I've been invited to other things his family will be doing, but not ones he will be at. That's why I'm worried about how to deal with this one.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 10-01-2014, 11:36 AM
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but I'm just looking for some thoughts.
Here's mine: f**k no.

Forgive my bluntness, Aurora. But ask yourself, how does going to his family function benefit you or your recovery in any way? The longer you stay coupled to him in any way shape or form, you longer you delay your healing process.

Again, you have more than enough evidence that not only is your AXBF a remorseless addict, he's an a-hole to boot.

Cut your ties, keep his family in your heart, and allow yourself to heal.
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Old 10-01-2014, 11:39 AM
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Oh honey...you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Eventually he will be out and these will be HIS family functions, not yours. Give the gift ahead or right after with a polite note saying you cannot attend and wish them a Happy Birthday.
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Old 10-01-2014, 03:24 PM
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they aren't your "family" anymore......and as you are now EX'd that means you start EX'ing yourself from his family. sorry, but it's the way it goes. and since you are already so conflicted about attending and what may or may not transpire, who may or may not be there etc, that's already more baggage than the EVENT calls for.

you drop off the blanket and a card on another day, and express your birthday wishes and appreciation for the invite. and then you go on your way.

see the day isn't about you.......or your ex. it's about a boy who is turning 13 and an adult. and presents and cake. but you and the ex have a drama-rama which really has no place at such a function. etiquette and all that.
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Old 10-01-2014, 03:52 PM
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First off, this speaks volumes for the type of person you are to be included.
Being divorced, I've done several things with the Ex's family.
I've done several night outs with the ex bil and sil.

You mentioned you were friends with your x's dad. How well do you get along with the mom etc.

Would you have a good time going? You mentioned you didn't think, the x bf would be there. What happens if he is there? Could you still have a good time?
Lastly, who invited you? Is there a hidden motive there to get you back with their son?
Do you see a remote chance of that if he's sober etc. ?
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Old 10-01-2014, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000 View Post
First off, this speaks volumes for the type of person you are to be included.
Being divorced, I've done several things with the Ex's family.
I've done several night outs with the ex bil and sil.

You mentioned you were friends with your x's dad. How well do you get along with the mom etc.

Would you have a good time going? You mentioned you didn't think, the x bf would be there. What happens if he is there? Could you still have a good time?
Lastly, who invited you? Is there a hidden motive there to get you back with their son?
Do you see a remote chance of that if he's sober etc. ?
His mom loves me. His family loves me. As I said, I've had invitations to other events (his litte sister and SIL are having party in a couple weeks they wanted me to go to and then take me out for my birthday that night, his brother wants me to do his hair, his older sister wants me to do family portraits before she moves, etc.)

He is clean as far as I know, because he is still in the rehabilitation center.

Yes, I would have a good time there. And I could have a good time with him there or without him there. I want to go because the older sister is moving her family (nephew) in a couple months and I wouldn't have the opportunity too much longer to see them.

His older sister invited me. (The mother of the birthday nephew.) No, I don't think it was for alterior motives, just that we're friends and I'm a friend of the family. His family has never made it weird for me to be around them since the breakup.

I think my not going would make it more weird for them than my attending would make it for him.

Yes, part of me wants to go to see him. The other part of me wants me to not go so I don't see him. The other part of me says who cares what he thinks, do what you want. The last part says that's mean, this is his recovery, don't make it harder.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:13 PM
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I ended up going, and it ended up being fine. I was told up to when I arrived that X wasn't going, but he ended up getting a pass. Spent time with his neices and nephews, and I'm glad. He didn't say hi, or talk to me, except to tell me his brother was looking for me.

Turns out, he wanted his brother to ask me for money. Under the guise that it was for the brother, not for X. The brother flat out said that's what it was for, and said he was just going to report I said no. Which I did.

I talked to X's coworker on the drive to the party. Found out a bunch of things that I didn't want to hear but probably needed to. Basically, it seems like the entire relationship after X got home was a lie. Because the coworker had already noticed X showing up to work high, leaving early, slacking off. And that was about the time I noticed things going south. But I didn't know why or what to do. They met up in jail before X went to treatment, and X was going on about how he was going to marry the new girl and have a baby. I said that's funny, we were still together until about two weeks before that. The coworker just said he was sorry. I'll find someone better. Everyone says that.

I email one of X's cellmates from the states. We have become friends, I guess you could say. As much of a friendship one can form with boyfriend's cellmate in prison, haha. But he calls to check up on X and see how I'm doing. I said well it seems more and more apparent everything was a lie. He said yeah, I can see that because he doesn't speak with me anymore. But you (aurora) will be ok. X doesn't deserve anyone of your caliber. You'll find someone better. But while X was there, I was his future, and I was who he wanted to be with.

Yikes. Maybe the addiction took hold and took over? I mean, X couldn't have been using during his incarceration (well, I mean, who knows what gets snuck in there, really), but coming home and getting out of the HWH he slipped again.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe this rehab will be the catalyst of each of our changes.

I'm going to Alanon tonight. Naranon only has 3-4 people meet once a week, so it's hard to get to (see, we all make excuses don't we?). This Alanon group meets Mondays and Thursdays. I went last Thursday during an anniversary celebration and a speaker from out of state gave a wonderful speech. So I'm going back. I just hate group talk. I know I don't have to say anything until I'm ready, but ugh, I hate speaking in front of people. I like one on one stuff. And anonymous postings behind a screen!

I still wonder if I should be going. I've mentioned going to friends and they sort of look at me and wonder why I want to. This is just a break-up. There's nothing wrong with me. But I feel like I'm stuck. I just can't picture being with anyone else yet.

But I don't treat anyone else like I treated X. I was at a dinner with some friends the other night, and one of their phone's went off. I realized I do not care who he was talking to. That's not the case with X. I always wondered. Just a small example. I hated doing it. I hated playing detective or spy. But I couldn't help it. I don't know even know why I was doing it.

I'm not sure when I stopped believing X's actions. He'd tell me he wasn't a nice guy, he was an A**hole, and ruins everything. I didn't believe him because that's not what I saw. I believed his actions. And when that's how he became, he was telling me everything was OK, and I believed his words. When did it cross over?

Not sure what the point of this was. Just typing, I suppose, because I'm procrastinating at work.

Ugh. Addiction is ugly.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:40 PM
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Aurora,

I'm glad that things went well. This time.

I don't have a stake in what you do or don't do. You're an adult. But FWIW, I'm of the opinion that you took an unnecessary risk. To me, it's akin to standing next to a cottonmouth while he's got his mouth open and he's looking right at you. The longer you stand next to him, the risk you'll get envenomated increases.

You can't blame the snake for biting you. If you know the snake can envenomate you and you stand next to him, that's your fault. The snake's just being a snake.

Anyways, hope things get easier as time goes on.
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