allysen

I don't think you're brainwashed. But I do think you've developed some poor techniques to deal with this. Denial being one of them. Fear is what keeps us in denial. I also think it's not him you're in love with, but rather just the idea of him. You miss what you wish he was, not what he is. You're grieving what you think you've lost (even though it was never there to begin with). You're doing the right thing. No matter what, just keep moving forward! Your situation sounds dangerous and you can't afford to take chances. Lotsa hugs for you!