mischa1

Ugh. So I feel the all powerful draw from my stbxah. I had to see him tonight to get the phone taken out of my name. Of course he didn't have everything he needed to do it so we have to go back tomorrow. I have to do it this time. There is no choice. I'm trying to stay mad but he is so dam pitiful and I f-ing love him. I shouldn't love him but I do. After everything. I just don't understand why!?!?!?!?

I'm filing the papers next week whatever day I can make it work. ASAP. I told him I was filing and he will sign anything I want. I can't stop crying. I took off my wedding bands today. Heart crushing.


He of course is pulling out all the stops to get me back and I feel myself sliding back already. I'm letting my brain lead and looking at the pictures of the 1st malicious bruise. The 1st one that was scary. He's a big guy and when he does the buddy punch on the arm if he's drinking leaves bruises. I don't count that bc he didn't mean to do it. This time was different. It was weird. Not mean. He did it in a playful manner which is creepy since it's 3 days later and you can still see the teeth marks. I just don't know where his is brain is if that was playful what will rage be?

My brain is smart my heart is stupid. I told him if he got his poop together and proved that he is changed that we can always get remarried but I feel I have to file the papers now. With annulment the quicker the better. He always says whatever I want. Then promises the world. What I get is 2 weeks of happiness. Not him making any changes but being a wonderful husband on the loving caring part. Not financial at all yet. Or housekeeping. He has a very promising business opportunity but I have heard this so many times and in the end nothing happens. No meetings. No nothing. I just don't believe it's true. And if it is these things usually fall through.

I just don't know. I want him so much. I miss him so much. I love him so much. Am I brainwashed?

allysen

I don't think you're brainwashed. But I do think you've developed some poor techniques to deal with this. Denial being one of them. Fear is what keeps us in denial. I also think it's not him you're in love with, but rather just the idea of him. You miss what you wish he was, not what he is. You're grieving what you think you've lost (even though it was never there to begin with). You're doing the right thing. No matter what, just keep moving forward! Your situation sounds dangerous and you can't afford to take chances. Lotsa hugs for you!

mischa1

Thank you Allysen. I've never been like this with anyone. Is way out of character for me. I believe he is a narcissist. Like the real disorder. I've been doing tons of research and my behavior is total normal in these situations. They get you. It's unexplainable. At the 1st sign of ill treatment I am out. I was horribly abused as a child and I do t got time for that. But him. I just don't know. I really feel like nothing I do will break me free. It's so unlike me. I'm leaving this time because I have bruises but I can't say I won't see him and fall back in again. I'm going to try not to. I'm getting the annulments matter what so I'm not tied to him legally. I live in California. Weird laws here with marriage and divorce. I hope I stay away but don't know if I will. I'm reading everyday and rereading all my old post and journaling. Now I have a bruise picture to go along with it. I hope it's enough. I'm so hooked on him. Like a drug. So creepy.

amy55

misha1, you are being brainwashed. It is so hard to see the poor suffering self, from the aggressive abusive person he is. He can cry you a river of tears, and you may actually think you see the real him.

The real him has no soul.

It's black, and he will hold everything that was done wrong with him in this world against you. He may have put you on a pedastal at one time, but he is there to rip that pedastal down. He has many demons inside of himself, and he is now projecting all of his hatred towards you.

You are the one that is close to him, you are the one that he will take down. Why? don't know how sick minds work. He is projecting all of his feelings of hatred towards you. Projection. Please take care.

amy

mischa1

Thank you amy55. Your post scares the crap out of me. I'm terrified he's messed with my head somehow. I read what I wrote and it's crazy. I drank a beer so I wouldn't go over there. I never drink and drive so I use that to keep me home when I'm weak. And that's crazy. I have a really bad traumatic brain injury on top of it all so when I'm way overstimulated and over stressed I start to have big problems. It scares me to think I'm in so deep. Just going to keep posting. I think I'm mostly panicking because I'm filing next week. I'll feel different once it's done.

amy55

misha, you are a kind and caring person. I know what they look like when they are looking for someone to love them, and I know how quick it can turn. You see that sweet lovable boy, then they turn into a monster. I want better for you, you are too sweet and too trusting. I am like that also. I hate having to watch at for people, but that is something I must do now.

You are going to be OK, just need to get rid if this one. I don't trust him at all.

mischa1

I don't trust him either. I stay NC as much as possible. I will see him tomorrow and then again to serve him his papers and then again to give him his title to his car. Which I'm holding onto until the annulment is complete. Not demanding the money just signing it over. I ask for the money but I'll never get it. Just moving on. Getting really into painting. It's helping. This too shall pass.

ladyscribbler

Big hugs Mischa. Stay strong and know that we will all be here for you.
I'm interested in your painting. What kind of stuff are you doing?
There are some very talented artists and writers around here, so you're in good company.
If you ever need handy-woman advice ask Amy55, she once replaced a grinder pump single handed (like Superman leaping a tall building in a single bound, only, you know, useful). I picture her in a cape and tool belt, swooping in with her enchanted pipe wrench to save the day.
Keep posting and telling your story. It will help someone else and free you from the pain you are suffering right now. I've already seen you working some magic on a couple of threads. I know it hurts to tell those stories. It hurts me when I do it. But that experience is invaluable. Big hugs and thanks.

53500

mischa, EVERYONE'S hearts are stupid. If I had a dollar for every stupid decision I've made about a man I'd be a rich lady lol. Particularly about addicted men I loved (and yes that is addicted MEN, plural). Thank God I FINALLY stopped making those decisions. It took a lot of years and lot of heartbreak to stop.

[QUOTE]This too shall pass.[/QUOTE

Yes it will, now that is a smart and realistic thing to remember. Your love and desire for this man you can't trust will pass. Stay strong.

Hopeworks

Romantic Love is like an addiction to drugs or alcohol and our brain can respond in the same way with overwhelming craving along with the crushing emotional gutting. If you google breakup and brain you will get all kinds of scientific studies on this subject.

Add the dysfunction of codependency and alcoholism and you just threw gas on already raging fire.

Time is in your friend... it does pass and rational thinking does prevail if you let it. WHen you can sort love out from addiction to a toxic person it gets easier.

Do you have a therapist? Alanon? Those are great resources and building blocks to a happy, healthy future.

AnvilheadII

I believe you are also caught in the cycle of abuse which is demonstrated by the FACT that you have a PHOTO of the latest BITE MARK but are focusing MORE on what he SAYS, diminishing the FACTS in favor of the FICTION:

The domestic violence cycle of abuse diagramm helps us to understand the different phases which typically occur in abusive relationships before, during and after an abusive episode, cycle of abuse

Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.

Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.

Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:

TENSION BUILDING -

Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)

This information is provided courtesy of Kim Eyer of rhiannon3.org .

Refiner

Your STB ANNULED AH isn't named Greg, is he? He sounds just like a guy I used to date and was SOOOO in love with. Super good looking and ALL THAT. However, he turned out not to be ALL THAT... he was a lot of lying hot air with those big dreams and jobs and projects that never quite materialized. I was in love with what it "could be"... not with what it was in reality. I would do ANYthing for him. Bought him a truck. Paid for all our dinners and vacations (when his credit limit on his cards were currently at their limit due to some big order he placed to supply his 'business' he was running -- which was a lie the whole time). He was a USER and this was his pattern. Your guy needs a Sugar Mamma. I look back at that and realize how low my self esteem was to get sucked into his control, his world, his dysfunction. You seem very bright and in control. I think you're grieving what "could be". Go forth with your plans for annulment and don't listen to his quacks of promise. See how it all plays out but you'll at least not be legally bound to this user. You may be surprised at how fast he'll move on to his next prey. Good luck.

mischa1

Anvil. It most certainly is a cycle of abuse. I've seen similar things but it was very good to see it again. Every time I leave he immediately gets off his butt and DOES something. I think now he does that so he can say...see...you bi@&$...you just didn't give me enough time. I had something working. But he didn't until I left...again. As soon as I'm back it will all fall through as usual. He's a liar. Plain and simple. He is a master manipulator and the best I've ever seen.

You think if maybe you had a schedule of when they were going to flip you could handle it easier but that will never happen. And that's a crazy thing to "need" in a loving relationship which I clearly don't have.


Refiner. Nope it's not Greg. Lol. But they sound like the same financial suck.

doureallycare2

I'm very proud of you that your taking this step even though everything in you is crying out not too. I stayed in my marriage for 36 years and it only gets harder believe me. something that might help you to not go back: What do you want out of your marriage, from him.. what's the picture in your head that makes you think it would, could be different? Now look at what is real, the bruises, the abuse, the nights and mornings of tears that you have shed, the anxiety... Just because you want him to be different, just because you want the relationship to be different wont change him.. and if they say they will change, its a lie... The only way to tell if they really are willing and have the heart to quit hurting themselves and you is to give them very firm boundaries.

In your case since he physically hurt you, your boundaries should be a definite separation and you seeing him make the changes in his life he needs to.. The thing I didn't realize, is this is the best thing for him!! not just for you... by your staying and enabling him you are hurting him, you are hurting yourself.. Trust me I know.... don't wait 36 years and end up losing anyways.. don't give it another day. Respect yourself enough to not listen to heart. its going to be hard.. come here for support, get a therapist. anything you can do to help you put down boundaries and stick with them...

You are stronger then you think, take back your happiness and your dreams...

doureallycare2

The Privileged Addict: Why Alcoholics Hurt People

I just read this on another post and thought it might help.