Thatdeliveryguy slows the wagon down..... " Hop on board mikie we've missed you friend". We've got a full band today, pick a song this fine band will play any song you wish.
Oh my friend, so many times I thought I could do things and could out wit my own urges. It doesn't work, EVER! Do AA, go to whatever works for you, AA ( sounds like you're reluctant) doesn't work for everyone. Look into CBT or rational recovery, counseling, you can and wil be sober again, just focus!
I know those long hard nights all to well, the ones where you just sit and think about life and can't sleep. Its a hard long road to recovery, but worth the journey. While your awake and in bed at night think, try to think about positive things sobreity and what you want out of life and try not to focus on the negative. If your going to be awake at night thinking, better to try and resolve issues in your own mind then create more issues by being up.
Good day friend I wish you well.