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Slow the wagon down I need to hop back on...

Old 10-05-2014, 09:22 AM
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Slow the wagon down I need to hop back on...

Greetings all, I haven't been here in quite awhile. I have been back reading the last couple of days because I am once again in this place of drinking every night. The following story could be copied and pasted from so many posts... why did I not heed them.

So, I did well for awhile after finding this place last year. I learned a lot about this disease and myself, and set forth a plan that was working pretty well for me. What happened?

You know what happened. I had a beer with an old friend after none for several months. And then a few days later had another after a round of golf. AV quietly whispered, "see"....

In my infinite wisdom I thought about drinking, and that drinking wasn't the problem before, it was how I spent my time. So I made rules for when I could drink. Never right when I got home from work. Always eat first and always exercise first and ALWAYS talk to a family member or friend first... too keep myself grounded and out of that hole I climbed out of.



So who's an alcoholic? This guy right here.

So for the last month or so I have been drinking 8 16oz beers every night (I was only at 6 when I joined here last year), not exercising and not eating dinner, or breakfast for that matter really. I am back at the bottom of this hole. Every morning feeling like total crap, stressing out at work, not talking to friends and family. Just escaping.

"Worked sucked today" drink and process the day. repeat, repeat, repeat. The exact same place I was in last year. Start blaming work for my stress, when yes there is work stress but 95% of that stress is because I am hung over and not eating well, or exercising.

I am still coming up with a better plan. I know I am going to two things differently. I am going to ask my sister for help me with distraction after work, and I am going to try AA. I don't know if I am into their beliefs etc, but it isn't going to hurt me to go to one meeting.

I feel bad for posting all of the above. Ashamed and disappointed in myself. But I sucked it up and posted anyways because I know I am not the first nor the last to do so and I would receive nothing but open arms here.

My biggest fear is going to bed tonight sober. I hate how I just lay there unable to fall a sleep, and how when I do start to I get a jolt that wakes me back up. But I also remember even though the night is no fun, I feel better with little sleep sober than any morning after what I am doing now.

So slow that wagon down, I'm hopping back on. Any spot will do.
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:31 AM
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Mikie!

So glad you're back. When I started lurking around here almost 1 year ago, yours were some of the first posts I could relate too so I kept up with you & followed your journey (from afar). After I joined I have often looked for & wondered about you. I had a feeling I knew what happened although I had hoped I was wrong.

Thankful you found us again - we saved your spot. You know the drill so whaddaya say you stick around for a while. YOU are worth it!
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:35 AM
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Mike, don't let the shame prevent you from succeeding this time.

Changing your plan this time should help, and remember that there is always support here.
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:38 AM
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Thanks for the post Mikie9. I'm getting back on the wagon after a scary incident. I really shouldn't have thought I could get off.

I think this time I'll super glue myself to the seat. And accept god as someone to help me stay seated. Alcohol nearly killed me this time AGAIN. Don't listen to the lies your mind tells you that it will be different this time.
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:39 AM
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Plenty of room here Mikie!!

I could of posted something similar so many times, it's the gradual spiral of things that always used to creep up on me too, before I knew it I was back to my old ways and most of the time, even worse, before I realised my mind had lied to me a few weeks back, I was already in trouble.

But you can turn it around!! You can do this!!
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:39 AM
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welcome back.

I did the same darn thing. Good news is, sobriety is still right there where you once found it and all you actually have to do is choose it with all your heart and go for it.

I hope you'll give AA an honest shot. I had many reservations too. Took me three times landing in AA over the course of about 10 years to finally decide that even if parts of it 'weren't for me' - the greater majority of it was exactly for me. Because I NEED to be plugged into a community of others who understand, who have been there, who - beyond the drinking - share similar patterns of thinking and responding to life that lie at the core of our struggles with alcohol.

You don't have to become converted. You don't have to buy into everything or believe in anything that doesn't sit right for you. All you have to to is go there, sit down with an open mind and an open heart and be willing to accept the parts that might be helpful to you. Bonus if you open up and begin to offer things from your own experience that might help others.....

you can do this
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:41 AM
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have a look at this post too....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-example.html

I'm not a devout AA member. I often go long periods without a meeting. But I've read the Big Book several times, reference it often, and still go to meetings when I feel called to.

It was a crucial part of my early recovery and helped me lay a strong foundation. It's always there for me, anywhere I may go, if and when I feel I need to plug back into a community of understanding, experience, strength and hope.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:34 AM
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Thanks for the welcome folks. I never should have stopped at least reading posts. I feel lucky I was able to recognize my position much sooner this time. I know where I messed up, I got busy living and left my support group which let my mind forget that I am an alcoholic.

My thoughts for AA isn't so much for the initial stopping of this, but for long term. I will forget again if I stop participating in my and others recovery. SR is great and I owe the months I did have sober earlier this year to a lot of people here. But I know once I get into activities I will not log in as much and I want a constant reminder of where I am now.

I wrote a journal during my first couple of weeks last time, and have read back through it. Looks like some fun roller coaster rides are in store for me, come what may.

I will be posting a bit more this evening. I never have been a day drinker so I am ok other than being dehydrated and starving lol. I am working on that now. Also cleaning up the house, and taking pictures of the computer room where all the empties are. Some day someone will ask me if I want a beer, or I may scream I WANT A BEER! Looking at that pic hopefully will remind me what's at the bottom of that beer.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:39 AM
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Welcome back!
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:53 AM
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I'm glad you're back.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:56 AM
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Thatdeliveryguy slows the wagon down..... " Hop on board mikie we've missed you friend". We've got a full band today, pick a song this fine band will play any song you wish.

Oh my friend, so many times I thought I could do things and could out wit my own urges. It doesn't work, EVER! Do AA, go to whatever works for you, AA ( sounds like you're reluctant) doesn't work for everyone. Look into CBT or rational recovery, counseling, you can and wil be sober again, just focus!

I know those long hard nights all to well, the ones where you just sit and think about life and can't sleep. Its a hard long road to recovery, but worth the journey. While your awake and in bed at night think, try to think about positive things sobreity and what you want out of life and try not to focus on the negative. If your going to be awake at night thinking, better to try and resolve issues in your own mind then create more issues by being up.

Good day friend I wish you well.
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Mikie9 View Post

My biggest fear is going to bed tonight sober. I hate how I just lay there unable to fall a sleep, and how when I do start to I get a jolt that wakes me back up. But I also remember even though the night is no fun, I feel better with little sleep sober than any morning after what I am doing now.
Well - I'm Mikie, I'm glad you're back b/c you gave me permission to lounge in bed all day, with my "0-minus-75" energy level. haha.

But, w/regard to sleep - have you tried melatonin or valerian? These are natural relaxation aids, and really help alot. You can find them at your drug store or a health food store. Also, I've heard people who are new to sobriety use Benadryl. I use melatonin, and it does the trick.

Also - not sure if you're a praying type of person - when my mind goes all "nightime monkey," I start praying -- giving thanks for everthing and everyone that comes to mind - and more importantly, praying for peace and comfort for all the children, and moms and dads in the horrible war zones around the world. I'm usually asleep before I get through half of them, but I think God is cool with that.

Hang tough. You've done this before - you have practice. :-)
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:19 PM
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You can do this
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:33 PM
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You are very welcome back aboard.
We don't need to go back out there to do more research.
We know the score.
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Old 10-05-2014, 03:50 PM
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Mike, we are all human, you are amongst friends, good to have you back in the fold
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Old 10-05-2014, 03:52 PM
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Welcome back Mikie

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Old 10-05-2014, 03:53 PM
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It's good to see you back with us Mike. Sometimes it takes a little more convincing to become determined to kick it. Sounds like you are there.
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Old 10-05-2014, 04:17 PM
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Welcome back Mikie
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Old 10-05-2014, 05:02 PM
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I am back on the wagon... damn this is a bumpy ride.

The sister helped me get past my trigger time and the niece talked me through until now when I just got home. I did yard work and house work today and made it through my worst trigger, being alone.

I am going to now eat some ice cream, smoke some cigarettes and camp on the couch until I have to be at work tomorrow morning.

Bottle of water? check
a full belly? Incoming.
anxiety and dread? check.
hope? check.

The AV is telling me i messed up by not drinking tonight.
I can do nothing but lay here and whisper, "you are why this must go away".

It is too late for me to drink tonight and I am ready to just lay down and do nothing but rest.

After my ice cream
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