I have had my fair share of tough love and straight talk here over the years, and I have always taken it with good humor and a healthy appreciation for the sentiment behind it. That said, I feel like I'm not explaining myself well here. I never said I have done anything behind my AH's back. We agreed that I would find the counselor and make the appointment, which I did. I am not hiding anything from him. It is not my job to be his mommy and give him a detailed list of information about a counselor, when he could spend five minutes looking it up himself. I am also sure that the counselor's credentials will be front and center at our appointment. I'm not trying to sneak my AH into an addiction counselor to try to make him better. In fact, my AH has given zero indication he is even remotely ready to acknowledge his disease. And that's none of my business.
As for controlling, the only thing I am trying to control is how I spend my time, and the environment I am in when I discuss divorce--I do not want to spend it with a marriage counselor who has no training on addiction, and will not be equipped to manage a potentially volatile confrontation. As someone who has been on the receiving end of plenty of emotional abuse, I consider it an act of strength that I am trying to proactively manage the situation I may be in when I bring up divorce. I have no intention of lying to the therapist, or my AH. This is not about game playing. It's about ME trying to end this relationship in as safe a way as possible, in a place that does not involve our children. I do not have friends or family here who can come and take the children while I have these potentially rage-inducing conversations with my AH. It is my opinion that this is the best way for me to get help for myself, and for me to make the break in a way that puts my children and me at the least risk.
As for counselors with experience with treating those with co-dependency, this counselor is exactly that, as are most counselors who treat both addiction and families of addicts. The only expectations I have of these sessions are for myself--what I hope to get out them by being honest with a counselor who knows about addiction AND the havoc it wreaks on loved ones AND the way co-dependency just makes the whole dynamic that much more toxic.