Talking it out a bit
Have an AD who is the 3rd of 5 children to become addicted (thanking my HP who I call God that the older 2 are functional, leading lives as adults and dealing with their lives now).
In June, after almost 6 years of trying to deal with her addiction--18 years overall from the first child...she cut contact with me for the second time in less than 18 months (the first time, I found a way to come back from south america, my higher power found me a job on Skype, and did a lot of things to 'find her', 'help her'...and most here know what the outcome of that was...so for the first time, I chose to accept her no contact...set some boundaries with my older adult children and kept them).
It wasn't easy and I was so very stressed for most if not all of the time...but I kept at it...and started to feel better...and walked through some stuff...still walking through and always will probably...my two oldest children reached out individually...which was nice...I had written an email letting them know just how much I love them...out of a real spirit of love.
Don't have to tell anyone that the family is fragmented...so I simply worked at letting things be what they are and unfold as they should. When I received a negative email in response from my 3rd child (ex crystal meth addict)--I simply didn't reply and let it go.
Was working like a demon...and getting lots of things done...and was let go 1 1/2 weeks ago...and chose not to tell my adult children...as I didn't want to stir up more issues. All the children have made it clear that their father is the one who 'understands' them and listens to them...i know that I have been a fixer...and have worked for years on it...but this daughters addiction in the past 3 years has brought it all down around my ears again...me...not anyone else...
In any case, my oldest daughter called and we met yesterday for a time to just be together at the playground with my grandson. When my son reached out...I asked for 3 things only...which he agreed to...1) meet at a neutral place, 2) make it simple, 3) keep on topics that do not include speaking about others especially in our family except in brief updates, and 4) for him nor myself to speak for others - he and my oldest daughter have taken to representing all of the 5 kids in their speaking...and it is overwhelming.
Although I haven't yet met with my son...he knows now that I lost my job (ended up mentioning my job search)--he seemed very happy with these requests...and the time with my daughter was blessed. My grandson is a wonderful 4 year old and it was lovely to watch her be a wonderful mom and him be a wonderful boy...it was a calm and peaceful time.
During that time, she chose to share with me that she and her sister have been trying to help the youngest daughter...and what they have done...which is the same that we all do. I heard it and felt much love for these two who are giving more than they can give as they both have young children to raise as single mothers.
I didn't know what to say...but chose to say how much I love them for their wonderful hearts and that they did quite a bit...and then briefly explain that I had had to accept no contact in late June...and that I love them dearly...and that I want them to be the lovely mothers they are and to take care of their children...and not to get too stressed as I did (& have for many years although I didn't mention that as that is not an ok topic).
We then moved on with the rest of our lovely time together...at least from my perspective.
I find that I don't trust myself to say the right things any more...I am not sure that I look 'normal' from the outside...and yet I am working on it...and coming here and have set a goal to attend a f2f meeting next Thursday...have reached out and know address. I am working on what is on the plate...and praying and meditating...as a good introvert...
Just know that yesterday was a wonderful moment...need to fill the weekend ...and will need to turn things over to God...