Talking it out a bit

Old 09-27-2014, 07:29 AM
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Talking it out a bit

Have an AD who is the 3rd of 5 children to become addicted (thanking my HP who I call God that the older 2 are functional, leading lives as adults and dealing with their lives now).

In June, after almost 6 years of trying to deal with her addiction--18 years overall from the first child...she cut contact with me for the second time in less than 18 months (the first time, I found a way to come back from south america, my higher power found me a job on Skype, and did a lot of things to 'find her', 'help her'...and most here know what the outcome of that was...so for the first time, I chose to accept her no contact...set some boundaries with my older adult children and kept them).

It wasn't easy and I was so very stressed for most if not all of the time...but I kept at it...and started to feel better...and walked through some stuff...still walking through and always will probably...my two oldest children reached out individually...which was nice...I had written an email letting them know just how much I love them...out of a real spirit of love.

Don't have to tell anyone that the family is fragmented...so I simply worked at letting things be what they are and unfold as they should. When I received a negative email in response from my 3rd child (ex crystal meth addict)--I simply didn't reply and let it go.

Was working like a demon...and getting lots of things done...and was let go 1 1/2 weeks ago...and chose not to tell my adult children...as I didn't want to stir up more issues. All the children have made it clear that their father is the one who 'understands' them and listens to them...i know that I have been a fixer...and have worked for years on it...but this daughters addiction in the past 3 years has brought it all down around my ears again...me...not anyone else...

In any case, my oldest daughter called and we met yesterday for a time to just be together at the playground with my grandson. When my son reached out...I asked for 3 things only...which he agreed to...1) meet at a neutral place, 2) make it simple, 3) keep on topics that do not include speaking about others especially in our family except in brief updates, and 4) for him nor myself to speak for others - he and my oldest daughter have taken to representing all of the 5 kids in their speaking...and it is overwhelming.

Although I haven't yet met with my son...he knows now that I lost my job (ended up mentioning my job search)--he seemed very happy with these requests...and the time with my daughter was blessed. My grandson is a wonderful 4 year old and it was lovely to watch her be a wonderful mom and him be a wonderful boy...it was a calm and peaceful time.

During that time, she chose to share with me that she and her sister have been trying to help the youngest daughter...and what they have done...which is the same that we all do. I heard it and felt much love for these two who are giving more than they can give as they both have young children to raise as single mothers.

I didn't know what to say...but chose to say how much I love them for their wonderful hearts and that they did quite a bit...and then briefly explain that I had had to accept no contact in late June...and that I love them dearly...and that I want them to be the lovely mothers they are and to take care of their children...and not to get too stressed as I did (& have for many years although I didn't mention that as that is not an ok topic).

We then moved on with the rest of our lovely time together...at least from my perspective.

I find that I don't trust myself to say the right things any more...I am not sure that I look 'normal' from the outside...and yet I am working on it...and coming here and have set a goal to attend a f2f meeting next Thursday...have reached out and know address. I am working on what is on the plate...and praying and meditating...as a good introvert...

Just know that yesterday was a wonderful moment...need to fill the weekend ...and will need to turn things over to God...
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Old 09-27-2014, 11:59 AM
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Wow, I feel your pain reading this post. I am sorry. It must be very painful. I will be praying for you.
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Old 09-28-2014, 04:59 AM
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I'm glad you had a nice get together and I hear your "fretting" about what to say to your children and I am glad you were able to relax and just "be" with them.

For me, I found sharing my deepest fears and concerns was best done safely with others in recovery, like here or at meetings. Sometimes family is too close to understand without getting emotional, how we feel. Family should be close and one day you may be able to share more with them, but sometimes keeping family as family and recovery friends as recovery friends is a good choice.
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Old 09-28-2014, 07:19 AM
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irisgardens,

it seems like a time of growing for you, for your children. I applaud you on your courage and your strength to let go, healthy letting go, and on setting good boundaries for yourself. You are making progress- it shows.

wishing you luck on finding work, too.

and how wonderful to spend time with your children and precious grandchildren

wishing you peace today.
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:12 AM
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mejo--thank you.

Ann--that is great advice...I feel like maybe I should have known it...but didn't...am very grateful...

chicory--the encouragement is magnificent...this is the hardest phase I have gone through and I feel like a beginner, just dedicated to being as healthy as possible...and you are kind and real to affirm for me that I need to keep on keeping on...although there have been many things...this one is the hardest...letting go of the children and treating them like adults is a very challenging thing...and, of course, as adults...they have their own lives and opinions...and i feel as if respecting them in this is good. i also have my own life and opinions...and to speak to my recovery friends sounds right.

yesterday was tough...today i am moving around more...and working not to think...but to be and do...and to let the brain have its rest while my higher power instructs me and helps me to get through things and with things...

attended a phone alanon meeting last evening and it was good...and helpful...will need to attend more meetings...
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Old 09-28-2014, 07:19 PM
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drove to the ocean today and just sat on a bluff and watched the waves...it was good...i prayed it all out...and since i have always sought the ocean in my times of seeking nature...i was calm and felt the presence of my higher power who I call God.

asked for guidance and direction.
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Old 09-28-2014, 07:42 PM
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That sounds so peaceful, irisgardens. Your HP called you to a place where your soul is nourished and calmed. A wonderful place to pray.

wishing you a good day tomorrow, and please, keep posting. it helps us all.

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Old 09-28-2014, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by irisgardens View Post
drove to the ocean today and just sat on a bluff and watched the waves...it was good...i prayed it all out...and since i have always sought the ocean in my times of seeking nature...i was calm and felt the presence of my higher power who I call God.

asked for guidance and direction.
We're glad you found peace. Next time you go there take some hokey
little bottle.....doesn't have to be big.....and abscond with some sand from
your special place on your bluff......to keep with you.

God will understand.
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Old 09-29-2014, 01:32 PM
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I so appreciate being able to come here...and to just be...who I am. I will do the bottle thing...am simply trying to do what today calls for...have what seems like a lot of time on my hands as I was working 70 hours a week...I know that that was a lack of balance and that my worst came out in that...couldn't seem to manage it.

I am praying and reading and will work very hard to get to that naranon meeting today...and am just practicing one day at a time...trying not to criticize or blame myself.

Yesterday was such a blessing...and it was beautiful...and I will evoke it in my mind as I did another task today that I didn't want to do but it is now done. Now to the next one. I resist so much from so deep...wish that wasn't so...but I will persevere in my program.
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