Terpgal I get it I want things to make sense, I want an explanation as why things happen and I find it so hard that for certain things there is no explanation!
I struggle with why my H has done so many things to upset and hurt me and I struggle with my childhood. What you have experienced as a child and an adult is not your fault, you were an innocent child who deserved love, affection and security and what you went through was not and is not your fault that lies squarely in the hands of your parents and the adults in your life. Here in the uk there are specialist organisations that can help support with childhood sexual abuse, do you have anything like that where you are?? It may be helpful for us along with your counselling.
What I have learned over the years is that our childhood experiences impact heavily on us as adults and the decisions we make and how we feel about ourselves. One thing I have learned is that I am searching for someone to love me as my parents didn't, I didn't feel good enough, loved, and these feelings have continued into my adult life. Where I feel worthless, not good enough worry that friends are only friends because they feel sorry for me, the list goes on and on!!!
Unconsciously I have been looking for someone who I can fix, if I fix them then they truly love me and my parents were wrong, I will then be able to feel that I am good enough etc. does this make any sense I find it difficult to explain. I think that's why I hung in so long with my sep ah, if I can fix him, if he will change and seek help then he truly loves me and he chose me then i will be ok.
Anyway I am learning that I can't fix anyone else to feel better about myself I can only fix me as it is within myself that I have the power to feel worthy and good enough.
It may also be worthwhile to see your dr and speak to him about what is going on for you with the disassociating.
Sending you very tight hugs, you are a wonderful, loving person and you deserve to feel this way about yourself