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About to call it quits

Old 09-26-2014, 11:13 PM
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About to call it quits

I cant do this anymore. I have spent the last several days dissociating so hard, I cant tell what's real and whats not. I have lived my whole life this way. Dissociating. In crowds especially. I start wandering around, not really seeing anything at all. RAH would get upset all the time that I'd "wander" away at the grocery store or at the mall. Its so overwhelming, Im just not there anymore.

And it has been especially bad since he's been home. He is just one, giant trigger. He is doing great and I am grateful every day. But I am a mess, and no one has the answers to any of my questions. I am a researcher. Im analytical. If you know the TV show Bones...........I am like that in so many ways, enough that RAH's nickname for me is Bones. I don't understand why any of this happened. Why my A father was verbally abusive, what I did or didn't do to make him not love me. Why my childhood sexual abuse happened? Why in his alcoholism RAH did all the abusive things he did. It makes me so sad. I don't understand any of it.

RAH has a huge support system. He had 28 days to focus on himself, he has IOP, he has meetings, he has a family that loves and supports him. I don't have any of that. I cant be around my father, and my mother by proxy because she is his doormat. I don't have any friends anymore, or friends who I feel safe talking to about this stuff. I don't have any really deep friendships with anyone. All I have is work, therapy once a week................which is not enough BY FAR. Im not exactly feeling Al Anon anymore. The folks around here in the rooms, are not exactly friendly. I stand around there after the meetings trying to get involved in a conversation and either get totally ignored or talked over. I don't really trust anyone to talk to about this anyway.

I also no longer believe in a HP. The idea that bad things happen in this world is because of free will is so bizarrely psychotic. None of the traumas that have led me to where I am right now were my free will. If there is a god, he must just be using me as some sort of amusement, like people waiting at a snakes cage for the snake to eat the rat. Either that or I am being punished for some terrible sin. All I know is if there really was a god, there would be a way out of this situation.

At this point I just want to just lay in my bed and wait for it all to be over.
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Old 09-27-2014, 01:01 AM
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Hmm, I have been reading your posts for the last month or so and trying to understand why feel the way you feel about yourself. I know for me, a lot of it is because of my relationship with my AH. But not all of it, just most of it.

Listen, your H is trying to work on his recovery. You really, really need to work on yours. Why don't you explain why "he" is such a trigger? Is it him, or is there some behaviors there that are the trigger? From what I read and understand, you are having a problem with the fact "he got help" with the help "of others". You do know there are places you can go for your help. There are facilities that you can check into. As a matter of fact, I think there may be a facility based strictly Al anon (or at least that is what I heard when my H was in treatment).

I guess I am responding because I was there. Right where you are right now. I was so pissed he could go somewhere else, away from his responsibilities, and get help. He could have a whole team of professionals work on him, while I was a complete mess, a danger to myself, plus all the bs I had to do to get better. I could not go away for 28 days and not worry about just me. That really pissed me off. But, it is what it is and it was what it was.

I don't have advice non how to let go of this anger. My H has done some pretty F'ed up **** to me. But I know anger only hurts me and my relationship with others. When he is in recovery, I find my anger is still there. Why? Idk because I have told myself it is all his fault, all he has to do is get sober and everything else will be okay. WRONG! That is a lie I am telling myself and him. I have a part in our dysfunction. A huge part. My anger, my sadness, my blame, my projection, my gas lighting. You see, we have developed the same traits in order to survive just as they have. We have to admit that before we can move forward. Like I said in previous posts to you...he is in recovery, but what are you doing to recover? Keep it simple. Not everything is going to be okay overnight. But he has made a step in the right direction. Stay on your side of the street, and that does not just mean "don't get involved in his recovery" it also means get involved in yours. Don't give yourself an out because someone makes you feel uncomfortable at meeting. **** them. You are there for you and no one else. Don't let your mind go there.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. That goes for everyone in the game of life. PM me if you need to talk. I will be here for you. Sending you prayers tonight.
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Old 09-27-2014, 02:08 AM
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I can relate. I am an analytical person too. I want things to make sense. As a rational person I am sure you know that children are innocent and cannot make people behave in destructive ways. All children deserve love. A crime against a child is a crime against humanity. None of it was your fault.

Also understand what you mean about RAH support system, which also includes you because you are supporting him financially 100% even as he spends excessively. Could you not afford more support for yourself, whether therapy, yoga, etc, by setting some boundaries there. If his family is so supportive let them get him a credit card....
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Old 09-27-2014, 02:17 AM
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Terpgal really feel for you, sending hugs your way.
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Old 09-27-2014, 02:24 AM
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Originally Posted by mejo View Post
Hmm, I have been reading your posts for the last month or so and trying to understand why feel the way you feel about yourself. I know for me, a lot of it is because of my relationship with my AH. But not all of it, just most of it.

Listen, your H is trying to work on his recovery. You really, really need to work on yours. Why don't you explain why "he" is such a trigger? Is it him, or is there some behaviors there that are the trigger? From what I read and understand, you are having a problem with the fact "he got help" with the help "of others". You do know there are places you can go for your help. There are facilities that you can check into. As a matter of fact, I think there may be a facility based strictly Al anon (or at least that is what I heard when my H was in treatment).

I guess I am responding because I was there. Right where you are right now. I was so pissed he could go somewhere else, away from his responsibilities, and get help. He could have a whole team of professionals work on him, while I was a complete mess, a danger to myself, plus all the bs I had to do to get better. I could not go away for 28 days and not worry about just me. That really pissed me off. But, it is what it is and it was what it was.

I don't have advice non how to let go of this anger. My H has done some pretty F'ed up **** to me. But I know anger only hurts me and my relationship with others. When he is in recovery, I find my anger is still there. Why? Idk because I have told myself it is all his fault, all he has to do is get sober and everything else will be okay. WRONG! That is a lie I am telling myself and him. I have a part in our dysfunction. A huge part. My anger, my sadness, my blame, my projection, my gas lighting. You see, we have developed the same traits in order to survive just as they have. We have to admit that before we can move forward. Like I said in previous posts to you...he is in recovery, but what are you doing to recover? Keep it simple. Not everything is going to be okay overnight. But he has made a step in the right direction. Stay on your side of the street, and that does not just mean "don't get involved in his recovery" it also means get involved in yours. Don't give yourself an out because someone makes you feel uncomfortable at meeting. **** them. You are there for you and no one else. Don't let your mind go there.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. That goes for everyone in the game of life. PM me if you need to talk. I will be here for you. Sending you prayers tonight.
Wow what a powerful post!
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Old 09-27-2014, 02:51 AM
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Terpgal I get it I want things to make sense, I want an explanation as why things happen and I find it so hard that for certain things there is no explanation!

I struggle with why my H has done so many things to upset and hurt me and I struggle with my childhood. What you have experienced as a child and an adult is not your fault, you were an innocent child who deserved love, affection and security and what you went through was not and is not your fault that lies squarely in the hands of your parents and the adults in your life. Here in the uk there are specialist organisations that can help support with childhood sexual abuse, do you have anything like that where you are?? It may be helpful for us along with your counselling.

What I have learned over the years is that our childhood experiences impact heavily on us as adults and the decisions we make and how we feel about ourselves. One thing I have learned is that I am searching for someone to love me as my parents didn't, I didn't feel good enough, loved, and these feelings have continued into my adult life. Where I feel worthless, not good enough worry that friends are only friends because they feel sorry for me, the list goes on and on!!!

Unconsciously I have been looking for someone who I can fix, if I fix them then they truly love me and my parents were wrong, I will then be able to feel that I am good enough etc. does this make any sense I find it difficult to explain. I think that's why I hung in so long with my sep ah, if I can fix him, if he will change and seek help then he truly loves me and he chose me then i will be ok.

Anyway I am learning that I can't fix anyone else to feel better about myself I can only fix me as it is within myself that I have the power to feel worthy and good enough.

It may also be worthwhile to see your dr and speak to him about what is going on for you with the disassociating.

Sending you very tight hugs, you are a wonderful, loving person and you deserve to feel this way about yourself
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Old 09-27-2014, 03:52 AM
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I am a researcher. Im analytical.
Try this on for size: I am a woman and I like to research and analyze things.

It's the way you have become accustomed to handling reality. It's not who you are. See the difference?

I have some free advice (from my therapist -- because when you pay someone $250/hr you should share what you get with others, I think). Here's what she said:

Women -- especially intellectual women -- escape from pain not to drugs or mindless entertainment but to rational thought and analyzing. But you have to see pain as a toxin that needs to be removed from your system. How do you remove it? By feeling your feelings.

Look at a toddler: They don't hold their feelings in. They're angry or sad or upset and they pitch a fit and lie on the floor and kick their arms and legs and cry hysterically. For eight minutes. Then they brush off and go on with life.

We should take a page from their book. She actually advised me to drive out on the highway and find a pull off somewhere and just sit there and cry and scream and yell out my frustration and pain.

The dissociation, I've been told, is an extreme way of avoiding your feelings. It's as unhealthy a coping strategy as spending days reading up on the minutiae of how alcoholism affects the brain and what recent brain research is saying.

I'm preaching to myself here, you know. But I thought I'd share. Feelings are messy and scary and a pain in the rear. So we resort to researching and analyzing because that's our go-to solution and that's a place we feel safe.

Here's the thing: Trying to think yourself out of painful emotions is sort of like... having sex when you're hungry. It distracts you for a while, but in the end, you're still going to have to deal with the real issue.
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Old 09-27-2014, 05:02 AM
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TerpGirl, please do talk to your Dr. Have you met anyone here down in the mental health board? My best advice is you might be trying to do TOO much in early days.

Just like dealing with your mental health and your history, this is not fixed in a day. The 12 steps are learned and then lived daily. Be patient with yourself!
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Old 09-27-2014, 06:41 AM
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If any of us could find a good reason as to why bad or uncomfortable things happen to us...we would all not be here. lol But, it is important (for your sanity) that you think of going to meetings or even a therapist. It is helping me a bunch! Hugs
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Old 09-27-2014, 06:48 AM
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I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Do you think more intense treatment for your PTSD is in order? Maybe try a support group for survivors of sexual abuse or those suffering from PTSD? You need support and you may feel more comfortable with people who have an idea of what you're going through.

Sending love, strength and healing your way.
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Old 09-27-2014, 07:03 AM
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I have a psychiatrist. I take a bunch of psych meds. I see a therapist, starting a new one on Mon actually.I loved my old therapist but shshdoesnt specialize in this. I am sort of jealous of RAH and his huge support network. I DO NOT HAVE a support network and I truly believe I need that. I need therapy more than once a week but my insurance doesn't cover it. If I could pay out of pocket for more sessions but I am supporting myself and RAH and he spends money like water.

There is a DV place here.......deals with other abuse issues too. I am on a wait list there. They are the only agency in the community that does this sort of thing, there is huge demand, and their funds are limited. As far as why RAH is a trigger? He did all his drinking here. Playing video games and getting hammered. Whenever I see him playing video games it's a trigger. I don't trust him. He is not "safe" to be around. At any moment he could pick back up and hurt me.

I don't understand WHY I have to go to Al Anon? I don't find it helpful and you are supposed to be making a support network out of it, right?
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Old 09-27-2014, 07:10 AM
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You don't have to go to Alanon. If it is not working for you find something else. There are many roads to recovery. Can you ask your therapist about free groups for PTSD or survivors of abuse? Look at local hospital websites. There are resources you can use for support. I know you feel alone right now, but you're not. We're here, and there are people out there who care and understand. xoxo
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Old 09-27-2014, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
You don't have to go to Alanon. If it is not working for you find something else. There are many roads to recovery.
In my city, I found CoDependents Anonymous to be more helpful for my journey than AlAnon because in CoDa the focus is strictly on me, whereas in AlAnon sometimes it is easier to get caught up in what "they" are doing and avoid my contributions.

Just my 2 cents for what its worth
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Old 09-27-2014, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Women -- especially intellectual women -- escape from pain not to drugs or mindless entertainment but to rational thought and analyzing.
This strikes a chord with me. But it goes way back...I remember being like this when I was as young as 5. My head would spin with as much rational thought as I was capable of at that age, always trying to sort things out. Never being able to understand why people would hurt other people. If I could just come up with a way (analyze and problem solve) to make people see how they were hurting others, everything would be okay.

So how is a little one supposed to understand alcoholism, addiction, mental illness, abuse, etc.? Little ones can't. Developmentally, the brain isn't even capable. Natural coping mechanisms kick in. For me, it was my smart little brain that took over and tried to help my overly sensitive emotions. Where I had no control over my alcoholic father, I became very good at "controlling" my pain in my other relationships by analyzing and talking people into seeing my point of view. You know...if you can see what you are doing wrong to make me hurt, and I can get you to stop, then everything will be okay.

It took a failed marriage to an alcoholic and a roller coaster 5-year relationship with another one to make me start looking at myself. It took decades for me to learn that alcoholics are going to drink, addicts are going to use, and people are going to hurt others...and I have no control over any of it. No matter how many rational solutions I have in my brain for others' problems, the only person I can heal is myself. Depending on others' happiness to find my own is completely backwards.

I still struggle with this when I feel I've been slighted by someone...I will still try to talk someone into seeing things my way. How often does it work? Pretty much never, because it comes off as bossy and controlling rather than loving and caring which is who I really want to be. I'm still learning to undo all the coping behaviors I developed as the young child of an alcoholic.
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Old 09-27-2014, 08:21 AM
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TerpGal....You have recieved some SUPERLATIVE feedback, here. I hope you can take it to heart with an open mind.
And, I think SallyTaylor is right that CoDependents Anonymous would probably be a better fit for you than alanon.

You are right...I think...that you certainly need more help; more support; more specific therapy.
Here is the thing...IT IS UP TO YOU TO FIND IT. Nobody is going to drop it off in a basket on your doorstep....that is for sure...LOL!
You are supplying help to your husband---by completely supporting...paying for his rehab...covering his spending. Yet, you shrink from spending for yourself.
By doing this, you are devaluing yourself. It is like saying that he is more important than you are.

There is a saying that applies to everyone (including you..LOL)...."if nothing changes..nothing changes" You must be the agent of your own change. Even one change has a ripple effect. If you throw a small stone into a pond.....there is a ripple effect that goes throughout the WHOLE pond. Try that, sometime, and see what happens.

There is more help available. Your new therapist in monday would be a good starting place. The first thing that they will ask are about your "goals". Welll....how about asking her or him to help you find more support groups. More face-to face help! It is there and she should be able to help you find it. Start turning over rocks........

The minute you take a positive action for yourself....the more you feel in control....it is almost like magic, how that happens!!!!!!

Others h ave mentioned this...and I think it is worth repeating.....meditation can be an enormous help for the symptoms that you are experiencing. I highly suggest that you avail yourself of this...... while you are working on m ore specific support groups, etc....
You can easily find someone who can help teach you, individually.

Also, I would like to point out to you.....look at the wonderful posts that you recieve...these other members have put an enormous amount of time and thought and love into these posts for one main reason....YOU are valuable just because you are you..because you exist. You can't say that no one loves you..that no one cares about you, and only feels sorry for you. You can't deny the love that is being sent your way!
Please try to see that for what is is. You criticize "God'....well I consider the universe and everything in is to be the presence of a HP. The way I look at it....God (Universe) is actually acting for you right this minute through the other posters on this board......

You actually have the power of the universe within you. You can direct it any way you want.....

I hope that these thoughts will resonate within you......I hope that you will consider them carefully......as they, also are sent with love......

dandylion
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Old 09-27-2014, 08:32 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Yeah, there isn't much in the way of CoDA around here. I think maybe 2 meetings? Honestly mental health care sucks big time in this area.

I think my analyzing and researching is over the top. Over the years I have had topics that I obsessively research and become an expert in. Sometimes I wonder if I am on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. It runs in my family. I am socially awkward, I don't get jokes or sarcasm, and I have sensory issues as well. Like, if ketchup or salad dressing is left on a plate, I cannot touch it at all. I find certain textures to be comforting and will touch them all day. I have a really hard time with empathy and intepreting body language. I am like Bones in that I take everything literally and do NOT do generalizations at all. I will always find an exception to the rule. Keeping it simple, well nothing is simple to me.
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Old 09-27-2014, 08:56 AM
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TerpGal.....I hear what you are saying. However, it does not take away from the need for you to take action on your own behalf. Lapsing into analyzing isn't going to help with that.

You can't let excuses get in your way. For example....if there are only 2 meetings of CoDa....then, get yourself to them. No excuses.

Do you think Pele decided it was futile to try to become the best soccer player in the world....just because there were no professional teams in his area....and, that he was so poor that he couldn't afford shoes and had to play barefoot. And, that his mother tried to forbid him playing the game altogether.....and, his father told him he was destined to failure as a soccer player unless he learned to be just as good with his left foot as his right foot? He didn't lean on easy excuses......And, he is still the best of all time......

Look at Dr. Ruth....an inspiration to us all. She suffered through the holocaust...came to this country and fought her way up....only to be ostracized by many of her male colleges for being female. She did not lean on easy excuses.

TerpGal.....I am giving you examples of what I am talking about, here.....

There is an expression in AA circles that I like. It is called "paralizin' by analyzing"
This is why I think that meditation would be so good for you. It stops the brain from spinning.....

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Old 09-27-2014, 10:50 AM
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Terp I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Hugs!

FWIW Maybe try other alanon meetings? Like you, my primary reason for going was to develop a support network. I tried 4 meetings before I found the right fit.

#1 Nice people, but I didn't feel a connection as they were dealing with A children.

#2 The group was huge, lacking an intimate feel. Not my thing.

#3 This one was more like an old hen party with elderly women picking at each other throughout the meeting. Ick

#4 Was perfect! Everyone was warm and welcoming, nice mix of ages and experiences. It felt like home so I kept going back.

Keep reaching out to different resources, you will eventually find what you need. And of course you always have all of us.

Take good care of YOU and I hope you're feeling better soon.
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Old 09-27-2014, 12:27 PM
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TG your profile says New Market so I took the liberty of replying- I know its kind of a schlep for you down 70 but there are good alanon meetings around Baltimore & Columbia. Around southwest Baltimore I go to a good one Tues nights, a superlative one on Friday evenings- there are many others.

If people aren't being respectful of you then please do find another one- there are good ones.
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