Ugh, posting on SOBER recovery while drinking.... nice one, C. Such is life.....
Soberwolf, you asked have I considered rehab. Christ almighty, I would love nothing more than to be locked in a room and for them to throw away the key. I would love to go to rehab. I am exhausted. I am so sick of fighting this battle. I have researched it but cannot find anything near me. I am not sure if this is due to my language skills or what, but rehab doesn't seem to be so widely available here. I also have no idea what I'd do with my kids. I can't leave them unattended.
I was hoping that my kids would go away with their father this summer and I could focus on getting sober then, but due to work the holiday was cancelled. As it is, the only place I feel safe is my home. Every time I leave it is like it is raining wine and I find myself stoping uncontrollably at bars, restaurants, markets and just sucking down alcohol like a maniac.
I sought out help at an outpatient rehab center but was basically laughed out of the place. No one could believe that I walked in on my own accord. I was told "you shouldn't be here" I have a sneaking suspicion part of that was due to the fact that the clientele that I encountered there were in the late stages of drug and alcohol addiction and it showed. I came in freshly bathed, with make up and neat hair, white teeth and a strand of pearls to match. I was there for HELP. I did not and do not consider myself any better or any worse than the people I found there. We are equal, addicts. But the doctors did not seem to take me seriously as I had not reached the point that some others had.
Regarding my doctor. Old school is right. I was astonished by her suggestion to drink while taking antabuse and think I will skip this "test" despite her prescription. I felt fortunate that she even gave me the meds in the first place. I have found time and time again- and I hesitate to make sweeping cultural judgments, but I'm gonna- that people here do not understand alcoholism in the least. If one other person- doctor or otherwise suggests I just "drink more water" I will spit. Water? Are you effing serious? CAN SOMEONE PLASE OFFER ME REAL HELP???????????? Or my other favorite, "just one glass of wine with a meal" Uh, ok. Sure. Nice one.
I found a faint glimmer of hope with my psychologist. She told me that she understood addiction because she was a chocoholic and had been known to lock herself in the bathroom and down 2 kilos of chocolate in one go. Well, yeah. I'd say that is an addiction. She really tried to help me. She helped me with a lot of other issues. I did get the feeling that listening to me bang on about drinking for an hour once a week bored her to tears. She told me she couldn't really help me clear out my other issues unless I quit drinking. I think that was a nice way of firing me as a client as my incessant whining about wine started to grate her nerves. Whatever.
I'm just so over it. I have no idea how I find the energy to pick up each morning and go back at trying for sobriety. But I do. I keep trying and that gives me some satisfaction and hope. I'm exhausted though. I'm really tired of this. How can it be that I come on here and speak so seriously about wanting to be sober and then hours later I am ordering a glass of wine?