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What could have been....

Old 09-26-2014, 11:55 AM
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What could have been....

Hello friends, I am safe at home, without alcohol on a Friday night. But I did drink alcohol tonight.
This afternoon I dropped my kids at their grandparents house- a rare treat for both them and myself- and then went to see my doctor about my blood test results. Everything came back 100% fine. I attribute this to the extreme care I take in guarding my health via healthy eating, vitamins and supplements despite my heavy drinking. I was then given, as asked, a prescription for antabuse. I stopped by the pharmacy and a frowning pharmacist informed me that she had to order it, I could pick it up Monday. I then went immediate to a bar to load up on glasses of wine despite having 5 sober days under my belt. I won't speak to what led me there, typical alcoholic behavior and all, but I felt like having one last hurrah prior to my forced sobriety.
But I'll tell you what made me sad. I was there, this tiny little bar in this tiny little village in Italy where I live. Everyone was so happy and jovial. They had planned a special night with some random singer from France. We spoke to him and he said that there would be karaoke later. KARAOKE! I love it! I am the world's WORST singer, I assure you, but I love karaoke and participate any chance I get. That said, I am also getting more into trying to be sober and not making such a fool of myself in public. That said I realized that I was well on my way to tipsy....which would soon be completely drunk, and I had to leave.
I have to tell you that foreigners are not so completely welcomed where I am, but I have been welcomed with open arms. People were begging me to stay and eat, drink, sing, hang out, dance.... and Oh! how I wanted to. But I knew if I stayed it would result in an embarrassing situation so I left. How sad. Had I just been sober I could have enjoyed this fun, one off, night in my little town. Instead, being the active alcoholic that I am I had to leave to protect myself. How sad, what could have been a great night has turned into me, alone, slightly tipsy at home.
The good news is I start my antabuse Monday when it finally arrives. My doctor gave me strict instructions on how to take it, 3 days of taking 3 pills a day, then going down to one a day. On the 6th day she told me to drink 100ml of wine and experience the effects, continuing to 1 a day after that. I am TERRIFIED. I think that in the US they no longer call for the "test experience" but my doctor here (Italy, Europe) was adamant that I do so. Should I do this? I am scared, but want to follow my doctor's orders.
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:11 PM
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is it supposed to make you feel horrible when you drink? If not, then Im not sure I would have the drink (actually I wouldnt either way)... I wonder what it is supposed to achieve.
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
I felt like having one last hurrah prior to my forced sobriety.
Are you ready to be sober?
Forced?
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by jryan19982 View Post
is it supposed to make you feel horrible when you drink? If not, then Im not sure I would have the drink (actually I wouldnt either way)... I wonder what it is supposed to achieve.
that is exactly the purpose.
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:19 PM
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No, I am not being "forced" by anyone other than myself. I WANT to quit drinking with every fiber of my being. But I can't seem to stop. It makes me horribly sad and frustrated. I wake up every single morning absolutely SURE, 100% CERTAIN that I will not drink and then I do. I DO!!!!!!! Why? However, when there is a "power" greater than myself I have been known to stop. For example when I was pregnant I was able to control myself. I still drank, but maybe 1/2 to 1 glass of wine once every 3-4 weeks. Nothing close to the 2+ bottles of wine I drink now. I have an extreme desire to stop so I thin that having antabuse in my system will help me. And yes, antabuse is a drug you take that provides extreme reactions. If you drink while taking this drug you have severe reactions, much worse than a normal drunk episode or hangover.
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Jupiters View Post
that is exactly the purpose.
well...
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:41 PM
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It sounds like you have been doing some research on this and I hope it helps and you are successful. Very strange that your Doctor instructs you to drink alcohol when the purpose is to stop drinking. If the whole idea is to become violently ill I would skip the test phase. Best wishes.
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:46 PM
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This is just my humble opinion, but why on earth would your dr tell you to drink after 6 days sober? Clearly this dr has no clue about addiction. If I had drank on Day 6 (antabuse or not) I'd have carried right on and lost all the hard work I'd done to get to Day 6.
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Old 09-26-2014, 01:12 PM
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Good luck to you and God bless you. That's all I got.

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Old 09-26-2014, 01:20 PM
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The instructions to drink on day 6 are... odd, to say the least. I understand they want you to feel the effects and all, but do you really need to do that?? I think I'd take their word for it.

Anyway, it seems from reading your post I get the sense that you enjoyed being in that bar and participating, and that by bowing out somewhat gracefully at the point you chose to, you are minimizing or justifying your actions as a sort of harm reduction in this situation. That is how it reads to me, anyway.

Like, I only drank 5 glasses of wine instead of 10.

Can you examine carefully the point where you left the pharmacy and made your way to the bar? That is the critical point, imo. Or were you planning to before you went to the pharmacy?
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Old 09-26-2014, 01:27 PM
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Is mixing antabuse with alcohol an attempt to scare you into Sobriety? as it'll end up making you incredibly ill!!

But regardless of all the ins and outs, a solid plan of Sobriety is the key to it all, with or without antabuse factored in, antabuse isn't a long term solution, it'll give you breathing space, as alcohol is off the table, to build up some Sober muscles, but kicking on with a plan of recovery is then what is needed to keep pushing through!!

You can do this!!
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Old 09-26-2014, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
No, I am not being "forced" by anyone other than myself. I WANT to quit drinking with every fiber of my being. But I can't seem to stop. It makes me horribly sad and frustrated. I wake up every single morning absolutely SURE, 100% CERTAIN that I will not drink and then I do. I DO!!!!!!! Why? However, when there is a "power" greater than myself I have been known to stop. For example when I was pregnant I was able to control myself. I still drank, but maybe 1/2 to 1 glass of wine once every 3-4 weeks. Nothing close to the 2+ bottles of wine I drink now. I have an extreme desire to stop so I thin that having antabuse in my system will help me. And yes, antabuse is a drug you take that provides extreme reactions. If you drink while taking this drug you have severe reactions, much worse than a normal drunk episode or hangover.
sorry, I misunderstood your wording when you said "forced"
I hope you decide to skip the test. I have never heard of it being a pleasant experience
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Old 09-26-2014, 01:34 PM
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I took antabuse and I drank on it. For the first drink - no prob. So I thought, fine, might as well have some more. For the next eight hours I was violently sick and could barely move. I was totally alone and so incapicated I couldn't call for help.

I really don't think that helped me get sober. In fact, this time I'm trying a completely different and pharmaceutical free approach and it's working a lot better.
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Old 09-26-2014, 01:36 PM
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I'm not a medical doctor, and I don't give medical advice. Your doctor is, um, "old school," to say the least. I don't know whether or not this is a cultural thing that's sanctioned in Europe. Nor I'm I completely aware of all the dangers involved in drinking alcohol after taking ten doses of Antabuse but, at the very least, I'd expect some level of physical trauma. Picking up a drink after six sober days also seems counter-productive.

In my field, what your doctor's plan amounts to is known "aversion therapy," that involves linking a simultaneously harmful yet irresistible stimulus (alcohol/drinking alcohol) with an undesirable or uncomfortable/unwanted response. In your case, it would seem that the consequences of drinking while involved in Antabuse therapy -- nausea, vomiting, sweating, palpitations, dizziness and more -- would convince you that it's not a good idea to drink. It's textbook behavioral psychology, but psychology in the hands of non-professionals is a risky business.

Other drugs, such as Vivitrol/naltrexone, are also based on behavioral theory. When it works, naltrexone is supposed to inhibit the pleasurable effects of drinking alcohol. Again, the treatment plan includes continued drinking once the treatment begins until the patient loses his or cravings for alcohol. The theory is that an irresistible stimulus (alcohol/drinking alcohol) is linked with an unrewarding/nonreinforcing response (absence of anticipated pleasure), and that the stimulus (alcohol/drinking alcohol) is therefore extinguished over time.

You might consider getting a second opinion.
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Old 09-26-2014, 01:38 PM
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Mera have you considered rehab ?
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Old 09-26-2014, 02:12 PM
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I agree with everyone that the suggestion to drink after building up a strong therapeutic level of Antabuse in your system is odd, to say the least, and potentially dangerous. I am not a doctor but I work with psychiatrists who treat addicts. Your doctor does not seem to be very well-informed / up-to-date about alcoholism and addiction. The effect and the individual reactions to Antabuse can be very unpredictable and if anything, I am surprised that your doctor suggested to drink on it on your own at home.

Also, negative reinforcement is famously not very effective in active addicts (or only after a few days of sobriety). In the core of the whole mechanism of addiction is "compulsive engagement in the behavior, despite adverse consequences". It sounds like you have had relapses, so it's even less likely to be very efficient in your case and would just re-expose you to your "drug of choice".

If you think that you can benefit from some indirect negative reinforcement in early sobriety (I did!), I suggest coming to SR daily and reading posts about relapses, or if you have access, volunteering in homeless shelters, a rehab, or elsewhere you can have a chance to see active addicts in a bad shape.

Also, I am sure you know well that it would be a better choice to avoid those bars and karaoke places for a while because they would achieve the opposite" reinforce your interest in drinking in a positive way!

The way to go is changing your habits to positive and sober experiences.
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:39 PM
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Ugh, posting on SOBER recovery while drinking.... nice one, C. Such is life.....
Soberwolf, you asked have I considered rehab. Christ almighty, I would love nothing more than to be locked in a room and for them to throw away the key. I would love to go to rehab. I am exhausted. I am so sick of fighting this battle. I have researched it but cannot find anything near me. I am not sure if this is due to my language skills or what, but rehab doesn't seem to be so widely available here. I also have no idea what I'd do with my kids. I can't leave them unattended.
I was hoping that my kids would go away with their father this summer and I could focus on getting sober then, but due to work the holiday was cancelled. As it is, the only place I feel safe is my home. Every time I leave it is like it is raining wine and I find myself stoping uncontrollably at bars, restaurants, markets and just sucking down alcohol like a maniac.
I sought out help at an outpatient rehab center but was basically laughed out of the place. No one could believe that I walked in on my own accord. I was told "you shouldn't be here" I have a sneaking suspicion part of that was due to the fact that the clientele that I encountered there were in the late stages of drug and alcohol addiction and it showed. I came in freshly bathed, with make up and neat hair, white teeth and a strand of pearls to match. I was there for HELP. I did not and do not consider myself any better or any worse than the people I found there. We are equal, addicts. But the doctors did not seem to take me seriously as I had not reached the point that some others had.
Regarding my doctor. Old school is right. I was astonished by her suggestion to drink while taking antabuse and think I will skip this "test" despite her prescription. I felt fortunate that she even gave me the meds in the first place. I have found time and time again- and I hesitate to make sweeping cultural judgments, but I'm gonna- that people here do not understand alcoholism in the least. If one other person- doctor or otherwise suggests I just "drink more water" I will spit. Water? Are you effing serious? CAN SOMEONE PLASE OFFER ME REAL HELP???????????? Or my other favorite, "just one glass of wine with a meal" Uh, ok. Sure. Nice one.
I found a faint glimmer of hope with my psychologist. She told me that she understood addiction because she was a chocoholic and had been known to lock herself in the bathroom and down 2 kilos of chocolate in one go. Well, yeah. I'd say that is an addiction. She really tried to help me. She helped me with a lot of other issues. I did get the feeling that listening to me bang on about drinking for an hour once a week bored her to tears. She told me she couldn't really help me clear out my other issues unless I quit drinking. I think that was a nice way of firing me as a client as my incessant whining about wine started to grate her nerves. Whatever.
I'm just so over it. I have no idea how I find the energy to pick up each morning and go back at trying for sobriety. But I do. I keep trying and that gives me some satisfaction and hope. I'm exhausted though. I'm really tired of this. How can it be that I come on here and speak so seriously about wanting to be sober and then hours later I am ordering a glass of wine?
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:52 PM
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I'm sorry that you're in a place where alcoholism is not understood, even by doctors, Mera.
The bottom line is you understand it tho.

There plenty of support here..and I'd imagine some kind of online AA as well (and other methods)

don't let you addiction convince you that you can't get sober where you are...it may take some work and some self sacrifice but it can be done.

Drinking on on antabuse on day 6 is not something I'd do, especially if you have children to look after.

D
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
How can it be that I come on here and speak so seriously about wanting to be sober and then hours later I am ordering a glass of wine?
You're not the first, and will not be the last.

If alcoholism and addictions made sense, we wouldn't be here.
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Old 09-26-2014, 09:01 PM
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Hi mera i have known of this rehab in italy for a while
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