how do I grow a spine?
This reminds me of a favorite quote: "Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be!" (original quote by Clementine Paddleford)
Baby Steps, soverylost, baby steps are how you grow a spine. Nothing will happen overnight, but in a year of actively hammering away at your recovery, you will make tremendous strides.
The beginning is SO HARD. And confusing. You are still very much caught between the reality of what your life has become vs. what you WANT & PLANNED for it to be. It's hard to let go of all of that at one time.
Boundaries are hard to define because they are so personal. Only YOU can decide what is tolerable & what your reactions are to broken boundaries. It isn't necessary to disclose them to your husband, but it IS necessary for you to define them ahead of time because then when you are triggered by a crossed boundary, you already KNOW what your Plan B is without having to make a decision while you are caught up in the emotions of what is happening.
For example - you don't want booze in the house but he hides it. Maybe you say your boundary is that if you find alcohol in the home you will dump it out without conversation or inquiry. If you don't want to sleep in the same bed as him when he's been drinking maybe your boundary is that you will sleep on the couch, in another room or leave the home altogether until he is sober. It has to be something YOU are comfortable with, not him.
He IS going to be upset when you enforce boundaries, the same way a child gets upset when they get reprimanded for breaking rules.... there's no way around that. You have to develop thicker skin around this issue & realize that what is right for you won't always feel right to him or make him feel warm & fuzzy. Remember that doing
for you doesn't mean you are doing something
against him.
I also wanted to comment on this from your post:
and that's the only one I'm willing to share with right now, for my own personal reasons.
I DO understand the need for privacy & to not run around spreading your business for the World to read, but...... in my experience Secret Keeping like this is part of what kept us ALL sick. Not just RAH but ME. I had to get over myself - over my shame, over my embarrassment, over my inability to ask for help & open up & let my family & friends in to help. I was amazed at what a difference it made to simply be able to talk truths, to humble myself in this way. I was resisting all the good by staying closed off & holding onto the bad. I realize every situation is different but in my case I was judging myself as Terminally Unique when in fact, I was no different than every other person struggling with this same dynamic.
Hang in there!