enabling because of emotions

Old 09-24-2014, 11:27 AM
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enabling because of emotions

I've been thinking a lot about this. I know I need to work on myself, and this is what I'm trying to conquer right now- or at least get my head around.

I know I enable AH. I know why too. I think about all the good times we've had, all the hopes and dreams we've shared. I think of all the plans we still have together for the future. We're taking our son to see a children's concert tomorrow. We're taking my mom on a riverboat cruise on Sat. All those things, even those little ones, gone.

I think about how much he loves our children, and how much they love him.

I think of all the wonderful things he does for me and our family, even now. How hard he works. How much stress he is under because of his job.

I think about how horrible he feels when he drinks too much and yells. He knows how much it hurts us, i can see how much it's wearing on him. Not giving him a pass on this one anymore., or at least trying not to. "Sorry" only goes so far.


I know this is me quacking to myself, in a way. The emotions, the love, is real. I know I can't truly show love if I keep enabling. i know i didn't casue it, can't control it or cure it, but how do i stop enabling?

I would like my boundaries to ultimately be stricter than they are. And I'm not even sure what they are right now. I know I can't talk to him when he's drinking, but I don't know that always until it's too late - he's drunk and I didn't realize (sometimes he's away from home and texting, and I don't realize till half way thru). I know I can't sleep in the same bed with him when he's drunk -he stinks - but I desparetly need sleep, and we don't have anywhere else for me to sleep and he won't leave it if he's drinking. Ultimately I don't want booze in our house at all, but he hides it, and I never know. When i try to enforce boundaries, he gets so upset, and i always end up feeling like the bad guy, like i am somehow being unreasonable.

how do I grow a spine? I don't want to kick him out, not at the moment, we are starting counseling on Monday and i want to see where that goes. He is so much a part of me that not only can i not enforce boundaries, i feel bad when i do.

I'm really struggling with this. I see my therapist tomorrow, i haven't been able to go to any meetings of any sort - Al Anon or CoDA because of the toddler, and not ready to involve any family members to babysit yet. SIL was supposed to, but always has something else more urgent when the time comes. and that's the only one I'm willing to share with right now, for my own personal reasons.
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Old 09-24-2014, 12:27 PM
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how do I grow a spine?
This reminds me of a favorite quote: "Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be!" (original quote by Clementine Paddleford)

Baby Steps, soverylost, baby steps are how you grow a spine. Nothing will happen overnight, but in a year of actively hammering away at your recovery, you will make tremendous strides.

The beginning is SO HARD. And confusing. You are still very much caught between the reality of what your life has become vs. what you WANT & PLANNED for it to be. It's hard to let go of all of that at one time.

Boundaries are hard to define because they are so personal. Only YOU can decide what is tolerable & what your reactions are to broken boundaries. It isn't necessary to disclose them to your husband, but it IS necessary for you to define them ahead of time because then when you are triggered by a crossed boundary, you already KNOW what your Plan B is without having to make a decision while you are caught up in the emotions of what is happening.

For example - you don't want booze in the house but he hides it. Maybe you say your boundary is that if you find alcohol in the home you will dump it out without conversation or inquiry. If you don't want to sleep in the same bed as him when he's been drinking maybe your boundary is that you will sleep on the couch, in another room or leave the home altogether until he is sober. It has to be something YOU are comfortable with, not him.

He IS going to be upset when you enforce boundaries, the same way a child gets upset when they get reprimanded for breaking rules.... there's no way around that. You have to develop thicker skin around this issue & realize that what is right for you won't always feel right to him or make him feel warm & fuzzy. Remember that doing for you doesn't mean you are doing something against him.

I also wanted to comment on this from your post:
and that's the only one I'm willing to share with right now, for my own personal reasons.
I DO understand the need for privacy & to not run around spreading your business for the World to read, but...... in my experience Secret Keeping like this is part of what kept us ALL sick. Not just RAH but ME. I had to get over myself - over my shame, over my embarrassment, over my inability to ask for help & open up & let my family & friends in to help. I was amazed at what a difference it made to simply be able to talk truths, to humble myself in this way. I was resisting all the good by staying closed off & holding onto the bad. I realize every situation is different but in my case I was judging myself as Terminally Unique when in fact, I was no different than every other person struggling with this same dynamic.

Hang in there!
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Old 09-24-2014, 01:09 PM
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It helped when I saw that the reason I was with an abusive alcoholic was my low self-esteem because then I was able (thanks to Alanon) to work on that problem. I learned that the way to get self-esteem was to take "esteemable" actions, which included setting boundaries. It was two steps forward, one step back. But the small victories were enormous reinforcement that change is possible; it felt good to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. This led to taking the bigger, more difficult steps of leaving someone who only brought pain to my life.
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Old 09-24-2014, 01:12 PM
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great post.
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Old 09-24-2014, 01:34 PM
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when it comes to boundaries, IMHO, less is more. start with what is your bottom line NO CAN DO will not happen, i'm hopping the next rocket to the moon event.

and then ask what will you do should that event happen....then ask yourself if you are really ready to ACT - if for example your boundary crossed response is that you will leave the premises, will you actually leave if needed? where will you go? what if it's 2am? is there a friend or hotel nearby?

think thru how YOUR responses will play out. have a plan in place, a good plan, not a sort of thought i might plan...
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Old 09-24-2014, 04:43 PM
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In determining boundaries, I'd focus on protecting the children from the effects of being around an active alcoholic. And since he loves his children, this shouldn't bring a lot of dissension.
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Old 09-24-2014, 08:19 PM
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enabling because of emotions reminds me of an A saying they drink because of emotions. yes, both are probably true, but they are excuses not to do the internal hard work and subsequent maintenance.

living in the reality of today rather than the past or future will help to take off the rose-colored glasses. sometimes we have to set a boundary and make the intellectual choice that we will uphold it. our hearts might longer to catch up but eventually they will.
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:11 AM
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I am so in the same boat.

I asked my AH for a separation last Friday. He loves us and doesn't want to leave us....I had told him if he didn't stop this was coming and I had to follow through. I can't afford the rent where we are so I told him if he didn't actively look for a new place I was going to. I love him desperately and we have been married 19 years. Our oldest dd is 17 youngest is almost 15. Ultimately it was them feeling like they had to watch their father like a hawk that made my decision.

Now though, he is taking steps to get help, which is all I wanted. He is going to counselling. He is going to AA. I have hope, but I'm afraid to trust. The plan has changed but only minorly.....since I was already planning to take my time looking I have a bit of time for the wait and see approach. I'll still be looking, and I'm putting firm boundaries in place, but the hope is there. I'll also be going to counseling as will our girls. And al anon and alateen too.

I'm sure I've enabled in the past. Actually, it's kind of funny....recently I've been trying so hard to protect myself and my kids that I've been enabling less and less. I've been detaching and not realizing I was. I still get angry, and I'm working on that one, and hurt as well, but my main concern is my kids. He keeps saying he doesn't want to lose us. He seems to be taking the steps I said I needed for that to happen, but I don't have my eyes completely closed now either. So it's plan for the worst hope for the best.
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Old 10-02-2014, 08:05 AM
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He is so much a part of me that not only can i not enforce boundaries, i feel bad when i do.
There's your problem right there, as the mechanic said.
It sounds like the first boundary you could consider is one that separates the two of you as individuals. If he is "a part of you" you can no more have boundaries with him than if you're trying to set a boundary with your own body.

When I left, my ex wanted me to go to counseling with him. I didn't. I went to counseling for myself instead, to -- as NYCDoglover said -- figure out why my self esteem was so low that I thought it was appropriate for me to be treated like I was.

And forgive me, but I've grown a bit cynical with time:
I think about how much he loves our children,
Apparently not more than his booze, though, or he would get help.

and

I think about how horrible he feels when he drinks too much and yells. He knows how much it hurts us, i can see how much it's wearing on him.
Do you know that he could change this if he wanted to? I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. He apparently doesn't feel it's enough of a problem to warrant changing for.
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Old 10-02-2014, 08:15 AM
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Do you know that he could change this if he wanted to? I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. He apparently doesn't feel it's enough of a problem to warrant changing for.

It took me a long time to get this through my head. He was fine with his drinking and everything he put us through, the abuse, the destruction, all of it. It can be hard to reconcile that at the beginning when they still sometimes seem remorseful, but that is not genuine regret. It is just one more tool in the alcoholic's arsenal that lets them drink without consequences for a little bit longer.
If he was really sorry, if he really cared about how it affected you and the kids, if he really wanted to stop drinking and change his behavior, he would do it.
My ex was totally fine with drinking and mistreating the family. I was the one who had a problem with it.
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Old 10-02-2014, 08:54 AM
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If he was really sorry, if he really cared about how it affected you and the kids, if he really wanted to stop drinking and change his behavior, he would do it.
My ex was totally fine with drinking and mistreating the family. I was the one who had a problem with it.
Exactly.
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
when it comes to boundaries, IMHO, less is more. start with what is your bottom line NO CAN DO will not happen, i'm hopping the next rocket to the moon event.

and then ask what will you do should that event happen....then ask yourself if you are really ready to ACT - if for example your boundary crossed response is that you will leave the premises, will you actually leave if needed? where will you go? what if it's 2am? is there a friend or hotel nearby?

think thru how YOUR responses will play out. have a plan in place, a good plan, not a sort of thought i might plan...
So, I'm genuinely curious. The minimum boundary, right? So what if my AH drinks until he's sick and pukes all over the bathroom again--would an effective boundary be for me to say, "If I come home to that again, I will pack a bag and leave?" For me, I'd also add that I would 1) go to a nearby hotel (which would kill him because it'd be wasting money), and 2) I would either call in sick to work the next day, or go in late, because I'm not going to worry about keeping up a good work record if HIS actions force my routines to be interrupted. This would also not be good for him or for our finances, of course--so maybe it would be a consequence that would hit him where he lives?

Is something like this a good thing, or a bad thing to do in trying to navigate a somewhat livable life with an ?
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Sikofit View Post
So, I'm genuinely curious. The minimum boundary, right? So what if my AH drinks until he's sick and pukes all over the bathroom again--would an effective boundary be for me to say, "If I come home to that again, I will pack a bag and leave?" For me, I'd also add that I would 1) go to a nearby hotel (which would kill him because it'd be wasting money), and 2) I would either call in sick to work the next day, or go in late, because I'm not going to worry about keeping up a good work record if HIS actions force my routines to be interrupted. This would also not be good for him or for our finances, of course--so maybe it would be a consequence that would hit him where he lives?

Is something like this a good thing, or a bad thing to do in trying to navigate a somewhat livable life with an ?
Well, boundaries are a very personal thing so what you find comfortable is all that really matters.

That said, I will offer that boundaries are NOT intended to be ultimatums or used as a punishment. It's about YOU creating a safe place FOR YOU during a situation you find intolerable. It's a way for you to defend yourself when you are feeling unsafe, disrespected, abused or taken advantage of.

IMHO your example above sounds more like a you are striving to punish him with consequences rather than acting in defense of your own best interests. If you find the situation intolerable & need to remove yourself, that's cool - but giving yourself permission ahead of time to skip work or create a financial strain because it will "hit him where it hurts" just sounds retaliatory to me.
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Old 10-02-2014, 09:36 PM
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You've gotten great insight so far. I'll just add that going to counseling with an active A is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. Save your money and your time. It won't do any good.
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Old 10-03-2014, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
I'll just add that going to counseling with an active A is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

OMGosh this is such a great analogy!!! LOVE it!
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