enabling because of emotions
I've been thinking a lot about this. I know I need to work on myself, and this is what I'm trying to conquer right now- or at least get my head around.
I know I enable AH. I know why too. I think about all the good times we've had, all the hopes and dreams we've shared. I think of all the plans we still have together for the future. We're taking our son to see a children's concert tomorrow. We're taking my mom on a riverboat cruise on Sat. All those things, even those little ones, gone.
I think about how much he loves our children, and how much they love him.
I think of all the wonderful things he does for me and our family, even now. How hard he works. How much stress he is under because of his job.
I think about how horrible he feels when he drinks too much and yells. He knows how much it hurts us, i can see how much it's wearing on him. Not giving him a pass on this one anymore., or at least trying not to. "Sorry" only goes so far.
I know this is me quacking to myself, in a way. The emotions, the love, is real. I know I can't truly show love if I keep enabling. i know i didn't casue it, can't control it or cure it, but how do i stop enabling?
I would like my boundaries to ultimately be stricter than they are. And I'm not even sure what they are right now. I know I can't talk to him when he's drinking, but I don't know that always until it's too late - he's drunk and I didn't realize (sometimes he's away from home and texting, and I don't realize till half way thru). I know I can't sleep in the same bed with him when he's drunk -he stinks - but I desparetly need sleep, and we don't have anywhere else for me to sleep and he won't leave it if he's drinking. Ultimately I don't want booze in our house at all, but he hides it, and I never know. When i try to enforce boundaries, he gets so upset, and i always end up feeling like the bad guy, like i am somehow being unreasonable.
how do I grow a spine? I don't want to kick him out, not at the moment, we are starting counseling on Monday and i want to see where that goes. He is so much a part of me that not only can i not enforce boundaries, i feel bad when i do.
I'm really struggling with this. I see my therapist tomorrow, i haven't been able to go to any meetings of any sort - Al Anon or CoDA because of the toddler, and not ready to involve any family members to babysit yet. SIL was supposed to, but always has something else more urgent when the time comes. and that's the only one I'm willing to share with right now, for my own personal reasons.