Southerncross

Sorry this is so long...

It's been about 3 months since my husband told me (after first telling his family), that he is an alcoholic.

I initially went through different feelings, at first I felt like I had to be there for him and help him. Then came the anger, how could he do this to me? Then I thought that without help he couldn't get better... So I promised to be there for him.
We had been living apart for 1.5 years as I got a job 3 hrs away. He was moving down in a few weeks.

He started going to aa daily, started with a therapist and got placed on antidepressants...

Then he moved - and all of a sudden "he was better". The drugs were making him feel better. He didn't really think he needed aa. He'd find a new therapist when he saw the dr.
I was so upset because I agreed to help him because he wanted to help himself.

Then let's me feel like a horrible person because I am so worried about him when I hear he is having friends visit. What I didn't know was that he had already had his first relapse - he wanted to see if he could control his drinking. Fail.
Then he says he learned from his mistake, will get a therapist and will find meetings etc
I think everything is getting better, although he says he doesn't really need to go to aa as much - his therapist says only 1-2times a week. That doesn't seem right to me, but arguing doesn't help.

And then I find cookies.... Chocolate chip in case you were wondering. Hidden in the filing cabinet. I ask him about them, he says they are from a long time ago (months)blah blah blah. I tell him that hiding cookies makes me think he's hiding other things. About 10mins later I ask him how long they have been in there, honestly. He says 1 week. A blatant lie.

Then we have a giant fight, I tell him I've lost all of the trust I had left. That I don't know him anymore. I don't know if I want this. And he just looked so defeated.

Then I went away for a conference, 9 days. He sent me a photo of our cat at midnight. He should have been sleeping, I knew he was drinking.
Everyday.
He told me when I got home. So at least this time he didn't lie.
But now he's telling me all about his plans to really get into aa, etc etc.
That he needs to fix us... I said he had to fix himself, because we can't work if he can't love himself. He doesn't understand that concept. He is focussing everything on us.
And I know that means he isn't helping himself, And that I will inevitably go back to thinking I can't do this anymore. And that just continues our vicious cycle.

I really want to believe him, but I don't. And I think he has so much more to deal with that he is ignoring that I can't see him being successful.
But I am not in a place where I can walk away. And I don't want to 'give up'. But this is killing me.

I did go to my first alanon meeting last night. It's the first time I cried in a long time. And I'm starting therapy Monday.