I thought (hoped) he was changing.. Boy was I wrong

Old 09-16-2014, 03:18 PM
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I thought (hoped) he was changing.. Boy was I wrong

Sorry this is so long...

It's been about 3 months since my husband told me (after first telling his family), that he is an alcoholic.

I initially went through different feelings, at first I felt like I had to be there for him and help him. Then came the anger, how could he do this to me? Then I thought that without help he couldn't get better... So I promised to be there for him.
We had been living apart for 1.5 years as I got a job 3 hrs away. He was moving down in a few weeks.

He started going to aa daily, started with a therapist and got placed on antidepressants...

Then he moved - and all of a sudden "he was better". The drugs were making him feel better. He didn't really think he needed aa. He'd find a new therapist when he saw the dr.
I was so upset because I agreed to help him because he wanted to help himself.

Then let's me feel like a horrible person because I am so worried about him when I hear he is having friends visit. What I didn't know was that he had already had his first relapse - he wanted to see if he could control his drinking. Fail.
Then he says he learned from his mistake, will get a therapist and will find meetings etc
I think everything is getting better, although he says he doesn't really need to go to aa as much - his therapist says only 1-2times a week. That doesn't seem right to me, but arguing doesn't help.

And then I find cookies.... Chocolate chip in case you were wondering. Hidden in the filing cabinet. I ask him about them, he says they are from a long time ago (months)blah blah blah. I tell him that hiding cookies makes me think he's hiding other things. About 10mins later I ask him how long they have been in there, honestly. He says 1 week. A blatant lie.

Then we have a giant fight, I tell him I've lost all of the trust I had left. That I don't know him anymore. I don't know if I want this. And he just looked so defeated.

Then I went away for a conference, 9 days. He sent me a photo of our cat at midnight. He should have been sleeping, I knew he was drinking.
Everyday.
He told me when I got home. So at least this time he didn't lie.
But now he's telling me all about his plans to really get into aa, etc etc.
That he needs to fix us... I said he had to fix himself, because we can't work if he can't love himself. He doesn't understand that concept. He is focussing everything on us.
And I know that means he isn't helping himself, And that I will inevitably go back to thinking I can't do this anymore. And that just continues our vicious cycle.

I really want to believe him, but I don't. And I think he has so much more to deal with that he is ignoring that I can't see him being successful.
But I am not in a place where I can walk away. And I don't want to 'give up'. But this is killing me.

I did go to my first alanon meeting last night. It's the first time I cried in a long time. And I'm starting therapy Monday.
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Old 09-16-2014, 03:36 PM
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Big giant ((((hugs)))), Southerncross. It sucks, and I'm sorry you're in the place you're in.

Stick around SR--us plus Alanon might help you out a whole lot. Good job on getting to a meeting. Hope the therapy is helpful also.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 09-16-2014, 03:44 PM
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I'm sorry, friend. I know that pain.

You're doing the right things for yourself. And that's all you can do right now. Focus on building you. Whatever he decides to do with his life is for him to decide.
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Old 09-16-2014, 04:01 PM
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Southerncross.....hang on to your boundaries!!!!!!!

Sounds like he is still up to his knees in denial. It so often seem that if they announce that they are an "alcoholic"...that the loved ones will be so grateful and swollen with fresh hope...that they can write their ticket the way THEY want it.

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Old 09-16-2014, 04:06 PM
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That's an issue I have, how to set boundaries.

I don't really know how to know what I am ok or not ok with. And therefore how do I tell him?
Every time he tells his parents anything, it'll be after he comes to a "new beginning" in his recovery. So they think he's doing great. And then I see what's really happening.
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Old 09-16-2014, 04:28 PM
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If Alanon feels right for you, stick with it. You will learn how to set boundaries; through listening to other people share, you will find your own story (or variations of it) described by many people, and that can help to give clarity, too. It's also enormously reassuring to realise we're not alone.

For now, don't concern yourself with what he is or is not doing, how his parents are reacting, or what he's hiding. Recovery is something we do for ourselves, and that applies to both you and him. So, just for now, concentrate on being nice to yourself, and participate in as many self-nurturing activities as you can.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:34 PM
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Welcome Southerncross. Regarding boundaries, I had some issues with figuring out what I was okay with and what I wasn't okay with too. I decided to start by looking at what I thought were the really obvious, way out there, non-negotiable things. Not saying these are boundaries for everyone but I choose 1-physical violence against me or our son and 2-driving while drunk with my son in the car. I almost felt like I wimped out selecting these because they were two things I knew my AH would never do. Well, fast forward a few weeks and he actually did #2. I was glad I had set that boundary because it made the decision to separate more of a fact than an opinion - if that makes sense. It's like it was out of my hands (in a good way.) I don't know if that helps but I guess I'd suggest setting some really obvious boundaries and you can always tighten them up when things become clearer to you.
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:41 PM
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I was so upset because I agreed to help him because he wanted to help himself.

honestly, he doesn't NEED your HELP to get sober. or stay sober. in fact, as soon as you began to make it EASIER for him....he relapsed. cuz he thought he had done enough.

recovery is a LIFE long process, every day. not here weeks or three months. and there are no "vacations" from recovery - ie when the wife is away.

if you decide you can no longer live the life of active addiction - you are not giving up, you are simply moving yourself to a SAFE place. he may some day GET it....it's up to you how much of your life you are willing to waste tied to someone who can't get their head out of their @ss........
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:42 PM
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Wait, am I missing something? Cookies? literal cookies? If this started a fight then I think you were/are harboring anger. Is he diabetic or something? I am so confused right now. Why would he hide cookies? Maybe this is a new term for alcohol or something.
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:46 PM
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Literal cookies...

The reason I got angry was the fact he hid them. And then lied about it. I can understand someone having a sweet tooth and hiding it, but once asked most people would admit they were eating it.
But he lied, blatantly, to my face.
So I got angry - and yes I know it's something I have to work on (hence therapy) - but if he can lie about cookies, what else is he ok with lying about?
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Old 09-16-2014, 07:14 PM
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I amsorry. I can relate to your pain. My AH had a few relapses before I knew what my boundaries were. Actually they seemed to come out of nowhere until I said them. Up to that moment I was not sure how much I could take. Everyone has to figure out what they are and when to set them for themselves.

As for the cookies. Did he say why he was hiding them? I learned that many alcoholics in recovery have a big sweet tooth. It helps with the cravings. You should have seen the desserts at AH's rehab center! When he came home he would eat a carton of ice cream by himself in 3 days! When he stopped eatting it I knew each time he was heading for a relapse.
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Old 09-17-2014, 04:11 AM
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I am sorry for what you are going through - but the cookie thing indicates to me you have more issues in this marriage than alcoholism.

Why would your husband hide cookies in the first place? Why would you care? Do you monitor your husband's food choices?

If a grown man is hiding a pack of cookies I have to say…..hmmmm. Wtf?
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Old 09-17-2014, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Southerncross View Post
Literal cookies...

The reason I got angry was the fact he hid them. And then lied about it. I can understand someone having a sweet tooth and hiding it, but once asked most people would admit they were eating it.
But he lied, blatantly, to my face.
So I got angry - and yes I know it's something I have to work on (hence therapy) - but if he can lie about cookies, what else is he ok with lying about?
Erm... perhaps he's feeling controlled and dominated?
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:01 AM
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I must admit something...I hide chocolate. I lie about not having it. I know it is wrong, but it is MINE. For years I kept it in the kitchen or my nightstand drawer. He was welcome to it. But, it always disappeared. I would look for it and it was gone. Or there would be wrappers in the trash from a midnight chocolate binge that he would deny. I was done with that conversation, I knew what would happen, so I hide chocolate.
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:13 AM
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LOL...This made me laugh!

Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I must admit something...I hide chocolate. I lie about not having it. I know it is wrong, but it is MINE. For years I kept it in the kitchen or my nightstand drawer. He was welcome to it. But, it always disappeared. I would look for it and it was gone. Or there would be wrappers in the trash from a midnight chocolate binge that he would deny. I was done with that conversation, I knew what would happen, so I hide chocolate.
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:41 AM
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Perhaps this should be a new thread......

I have a particular ice cream treat I LOVE. It is not cheap and there are only like 6 to a box.

When my kids were younger I would buy them their ice cream treats. Those of course would be gone within a week. I liked to savor mine a bit longer.

The kids of course would help themselves to MY treats and I didn't have the heart to say MINE MINE MINE, they needed to understand sharing.

Anywho to avoid the drama I would buy my treats, take them from the original box and put them in an empty box that once was for some frozen cod.

They were none the wiser and mama got to have her little indulgence.
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Old 09-17-2014, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Southerncross View Post
Literal cookies...

The reason I got angry was the fact he hid them. And then lied about it. I can understand someone having a sweet tooth and hiding it, but once asked most people would admit they were eating it.
But he lied, blatantly, to my face.
So I got angry - and yes I know it's something I have to work on (hence therapy) - but if he can lie about cookies, what else is he ok with lying about?
I agree. I have been there. The lies are what destroys the relationship IMO.
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Old 09-17-2014, 09:02 AM
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Could the cookies have contained marijuana???
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Old 09-17-2014, 09:23 AM
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I do completely understand where you are coming from Southern. My xabf lied about everything. I get this is not about cookies. My trust was so broken I had to walk. I just didn't want to live second guessing everything, and I knew I would.
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Old 09-18-2014, 05:22 AM
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They were just store bought cookies, no drugs.
And he says he thought I would get mad at him - but my craving food is fried chicken! And I don't hide how much I love it, so I don't see why he thought I would get mad about cookies!

I'm really just learning that he has no trust in anyone, so he lies and hides everything.

But I really do have zero trust left, I hear what he is saying and really WANT to believe him that he is NOW on the right track... But I honestly don't think he has the right frame of mind. He is focused solely on fixing us - not helping himself.

So I'm just waiting it all out and finding out how I can help myself, whilst being as supportive for him as I can be (without being detrimental to my own well being). Even if we don't end up working out, I just want to know I 'helped' at least a little... Even if it's just not getting angry at him anymore.
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