TerpGal

I really liked those. Made a lot of sense. I do wonder though.........HOW do you come to learn that you ARE good enough? Because I am totally not there yet

My "arena" right now is my recovery. I have been holding back and holding back on it so long, because I AM ashamed. I don't think I am a worthwhile person. To be happy, worthy of being liked or loved. I have only felt "needed" by RAH. He says he loves me, but really he NEEDS me because he is just as big a codie as I am.

The difference between us is our mental illnesses. His is addiction. Mine is depression or bipolar or whatever they want to diagnose me as. For him, the constant thought, the constant NEED is for alcohol above all else. For me, the constant thought, the allure of relief is in killing myself. I think about it on a daily basis. When I am angry, lonely, tired......not so much hungry.....but being hungry makes me irritable........so yeah that too. Most days I do not act on that thought. Because through enough therapy I have learned that I don't HAVE to act on it. When my stress level outweighs my coping mechanisms, but not by much because I don't have many coping mechanisms, there becomes no other option to end the pain. Which is why I have attempted suicide 4 times.

Anyway, at this point I have no choice BUT to enter the arena, if I am ready or not. My life depends on it. I have no doubts that if I don't do this now......it will probably kill me. Whether I feel worthy of it or not. I don't have a choice anymore.