Acceptance

Old 09-15-2014, 06:07 PM
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Acceptance

I met with my sponsor today and she asked me where I thought I was in the steps. I am still as step one. Acceptance that I have no control and I can't reason, rationalize, or "figure it all out". This is an irrational, illogical disease. So what about acceptance is hard for me? It's the letting go and that I DONT have a crystal ball, and I could never anticipate all the outcomes. Why is that? If my life really DID fall apart, what does that mean.

It makes me feel helpless and vulnerable. Not free. Not a relief. I don't like feeling vulnerable. Why is that, I asked myself on the way to the meeting. She asked me about my "fulfilling life" when RAH and I first met. Was I doing them because it liked all those activities? And yes, they were fun. But really it was always about external validation. If people looked up to me, I was worthy.

The fact of the matter is that I have to accept we are 2 separate people. It was easy to laatch onto RAH during the first good years of our relationship because it seemed to me that he had a really big personality. If we are seperate people and if my life DID fall apart.........I would be, and AM stuck with ME. I don't like me. In fact I HATE me. I do not feel I am a worthwhile person. Why should I set boundaries? I am not worth protecting. Why would anyone like me if I had to stand on my own 2 feet? I am unlikeable. How am I supposed to this. To just BE in a skin, alone, with someone who ain't worth nothin?
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Old 09-15-2014, 06:22 PM
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Oh my you are tearing along in your personal insight!

Here us a Brene Brown, she is a PhD studying shame, vulnerability and some other big issues. She has several excellent books out!

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability


And here is an awesome cartoon adaptation...

ZEN PENCILS » 139. BRENÉ BROWN: The Woman in the Arena

Keep on keepin on Yurtle the Turtle!
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Old 09-15-2014, 06:23 PM
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I hear and feel everything that you are saying. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-15-2014, 06:28 PM
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I am right where you are. Sometimes I can accept steps one and two without hesitation, some days I cant get past step one. I have lost who i am, not sure if i like me at all. Whomever me is. Most times I don't want to be on this journey at all, it feels forced upon me by someone else's choices. It's frustrating but there is no choice but to move forward.
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Old 09-15-2014, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Oh my you are tearing along in your personal insight!

Here us a Brene Brown, she is a PhD studying shame, vulnerability and some other big issues. She has several excellent books out!

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability


And here is an awesome cartoon adaptation...

ZEN PENCILS » 139. BRENÉ BROWN: The Woman in the Arena

Keep on keepin on Yurtle the Turtle!
I really liked those. Made a lot of sense. I do wonder though.........HOW do you come to learn that you ARE good enough? Because I am totally not there yet

My "arena" right now is my recovery. I have been holding back and holding back on it so long, because I AM ashamed. I don't think I am a worthwhile person. To be happy, worthy of being liked or loved. I have only felt "needed" by RAH. He says he loves me, but really he NEEDS me because he is just as big a codie as I am.

The difference between us is our mental illnesses. His is addiction. Mine is depression or bipolar or whatever they want to diagnose me as. For him, the constant thought, the constant NEED is for alcohol above all else. For me, the constant thought, the allure of relief is in killing myself. I think about it on a daily basis. When I am angry, lonely, tired......not so much hungry.....but being hungry makes me irritable........so yeah that too. Most days I do not act on that thought. Because through enough therapy I have learned that I don't HAVE to act on it. When my stress level outweighs my coping mechanisms, but not by much because I don't have many coping mechanisms, there becomes no other option to end the pain. Which is why I have attempted suicide 4 times.

Anyway, at this point I have no choice BUT to enter the arena, if I am ready or not. My life depends on it. I have no doubts that if I don't do this now......it will probably kill me. Whether I feel worthy of it or not. I don't have a choice anymore.
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Old 09-15-2014, 08:25 PM
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Well, there is some truth to fake it til you make it.

A gratitude journal really helped me too.
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Old 09-15-2014, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by TerpGal View Post
I really liked those. Made a lot of sense. I do wonder though.........HOW do you come to learn that you ARE good enough? Because I am totally not there yet

My "arena" right now is my recovery. I have been holding back and holding back on it so long, because I AM ashamed. I don't think I am a worthwhile person. To be happy, worthy of being liked or loved. I have only felt "needed" by RAH. He says he loves me, but really he NEEDS me because he is just as big a codie as I am.

The difference between us is our mental illnesses. His is addiction. Mine is depression or bipolar or whatever they want to diagnose me as. For him, the constant thought, the constant NEED is for alcohol above all else. For me, the constant thought, the allure of relief is in killing myself. I think about it on a daily basis. When I am angry, lonely, tired......not so much hungry.....but being hungry makes me irritable........so yeah that too. Most days I do not act on that thought. Because through enough therapy I have learned that I don't HAVE to act on it. When my stress level outweighs my coping mechanisms, but not by much because I don't have many coping mechanisms, there becomes no other option to end the pain. Which is why I have attempted suicide 4 times.

Anyway, at this point I have no choice BUT to enter the arena, if I am ready or not. My life depends on it. I have no doubts that if I don't do this now......it will probably kill me. Whether I feel worthy of it or not. I don't have a choice anymore.
You will walk through the fire and come out singed, but essentially unharmed. It is hard, it is uncomfortable and it will burn the bottoms of your feet, but you will live.
Are you a Game of Thrones fan? I love the motto of the Ironborn who worship the Drowned God:
"What is dead never dies, but rises again, harder and stronger."
Check out the books. One of my million and one lame reasons to live- the next book will be coming out and I need to live to finish the series.
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:08 AM
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You are worth it. You are worth figuring out WHO you are under all of the hurt. It's like peeling back the layers of an onion, and that can be a very slow process.

We care about you. We know you are worth it. You have two choices, stand still and move forward. Either one of those are ok, just don't move back.

Tight, tight hugs. Sending you lots of love today!
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
Check out the books. One of my million and one lame reasons to live- the next book will be coming out and I need to live to finish the series.
So does George!!!
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:55 AM
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Sure we get the Mental Illness stuff. Even folks around here that do not have those particular aspects have either been around or lived with folks that do.

But you have wandered into some VERY POWERFUL and VERY EFFECTIVE methods to deal with this stuff.

Do you understand WHY the Steps Programs have been around for over 100 years and are still expanding? Because they WORK. Else they would have been already tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper.

Let's Get Your Eyes on the Prize and Where You Are Heading?

Concerned for your Mental Illness? Covered.

Look at "How it Works" Chapter 5, AA Big Book -- Opening Paragraph . . .

==============

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

==============

If you have Honesty, and it looks like you do . . . you have EVERYTHING.


And you want to see out ahead to the outcome?

==============

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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