Acceptance
I met with my sponsor today and she asked me where I thought I was in the steps. I am still as step one. Acceptance that I have no control and I can't reason, rationalize, or "figure it all out". This is an irrational, illogical disease. So what about acceptance is hard for me? It's the letting go and that I DONT have a crystal ball, and I could never anticipate all the outcomes. Why is that? If my life really DID fall apart, what does that mean.
It makes me feel helpless and vulnerable. Not free. Not a relief. I don't like feeling vulnerable. Why is that, I asked myself on the way to the meeting. She asked me about my "fulfilling life" when RAH and I first met. Was I doing them because it liked all those activities? And yes, they were fun. But really it was always about external validation. If people looked up to me, I was worthy.
The fact of the matter is that I have to accept we are 2 separate people. It was easy to laatch onto RAH during the first good years of our relationship because it seemed to me that he had a really big personality. If we are seperate people and if my life DID fall apart.........I would be, and AM stuck with ME. I don't like me. In fact I HATE me. I do not feel I am a worthwhile person. Why should I set boundaries? I am not worth protecting. Why would anyone like me if I had to stand on my own 2 feet? I am unlikeable. How am I supposed to this. To just BE in a skin, alone, with someone who ain't worth nothin?