Thank you, LDT.
You are right - there's surely a positive shift.
I made it to the gym for a butt-kicking legs workout. 2 years ago I would crawl under the blanket with a bottle of wine and bunch of cookies and potato chips, and some other comforting food. Crying and thinking how unfair life is, and there's nothing good for me in the future.
Though I still think that life is unfair, and I don't see any "higher meaning" in suffering. There is no sense in suffering other than an attempt to justify its meaningless for a variety of reasons.
But that's the way life is - unfair, sometimes cruel, sometimes beautiful, a little bit of this, a little bit of that...
I felt really low on my way back from the gym, and when stepped into my apartment just burst into tears. And was standing crying for a while, in the hall, leaning against the wall, still wearing my raincoat. Because I was tired and felt some mixed feelings of grievance and deep compassion for myself. I felt like asking myself to forgive me for being so senseless and cruel, for ignoring signals by body was sending to me, for not listening to myself when I was hurt.
My biggest "sin" today was extra servings of my homemade protein paleo pancakes and ceshews.
My "distract-my-thoughts" treat for tonight will be Mayweather vs. Maidana fight. Haven't seen it yet.
Still feel low, but that shall pass. I know. It will.
Tomorrow heading for a massive blood work - testing like 10 hormones or so. But that will be tomorrow...
See you.