I can relate to your story. I rotated liquor stores when I cared to, but then I became so bad at times I would just show up sometimes multiple times in a day plastered. In the end we are only lying to ourselves.
The reason you look forward to it more than anything else is because you are addicted. When you are badly addicted to a drug like alcohol, it becomes everything. When you break the cycle and get away from the addiction, however, you will begin to see things in a new way. It is possible to get better, this website is proof.