I could have written some of your post, Janq. We've been married for 44 years and my RAH, who moved out at my request three months ago, is going to meetings. He was also never abusive to me, but he was to one of my children. He's long since apologized and tried to make amends there.
He's trying very hard to hold on to our marriage and I'm having trouble imagining going back to it at this point. I feel terrible guilt over that. but I'm trying not to.
It helps me to remember that "You didn't cause it" means not only the drinking, but also all the consequences that have come with his actions, including his feelings now.
It's hard to stand strong; we're human, we feel badly for other humans in pain, especially once that we love or loved.