I feel so much guilt, it is awful

Old 09-08-2014, 04:28 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
I feel so much guilt, it is awful

I feel so terribly guilty, even though I know I probably shouldn't. I separated from AH several months ago due to his alcoholism and because he had become abusive while drinking. Since then he has not been drinking at all. He does not want to go to AA. He has done some things really right and that is great, but it has not made me want to reconcile. Other things have not gone as well. I just want him to do well and for us to both move on.

There were problems in our relationship before he became abusive (some because he was drinking daily, during the day, and I didn't know about it). I guess for me, him becoming controlling and abusive was the final straw and broke what little was left of my trust and romantic love for him, although I struggled with the decision for some time. I decided that I could not recommit no matter what and wanted a divorce. I told him that and he has been unable to accept it and keeps asking me for more time. I want to move on with life, figure out what our "new normal" as co-parents is and hopefully be happy again eventually. I don't see how I could ever trust him again. We have a child, so we will remain in contact and I feel able to manage that responsibly and appropriately.

I won't say it's easy. This has all been really hard and really sad, and very lonely. Sometimes I've thought about how it would be easier to just go back because it is familiar and not so lonely, but the thought of leaving behind all the progress I've made and to disregard the pain of the past year is unthinkable and feels terrible.

Finally now it seems to have gotten through to him that it's over and he is so sad that I feel awful guilt. Of course I care about him and want him to be okay (better than okay). I feel so, so bad. That I am the author of his unhappiness after so many years of doing everything I could to give him happiness and make a good life for us.

I still don't think I can or want to reconcile. I just feel terrible. I know that (while I also own my part and am not blameless) that the breakup of our marriage is primarily at his feet. And I was very uncomfortable with how hard he has been pushing to get me to come back. But now that it seems to have gotten through to him that it's over, I feel terrible that he is so unhappy and in pain.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of this and just need some support I think. People here always have such wise and helpful things to say. Thank you.
Janq is offline  
Old 09-08-2014, 04:37 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hockeyerik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
I support you and thanks for sharing. I am going through the same things, she may be doing well but I don't know if I would ever want to risk having that lifestyle again. It's tough and I don't have many wise words but the others will be along soon enough to give their wisdom. It is so painful going through this and sometimes wish life had a rewind button. Sending peace your way
Hockeyerik is offline  
Old 09-08-2014, 04:38 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Jang.

When things go so badly for so long, it takes a toll on our hearts. You don't trust so much anymore, and perhaps you know that its possible that he could someday decide to go back to drinking. The abuse was unacceptable, drinking or not.

A happy parent is the best parent. Follow your heart. He will survive and hopefully thrive, when he accepts and his life continues to improve, without the drinking.

I don't know that you are the author of his unhappiness, but perhaps his drinking brought about this change in your heart. You tried, but you are doing what is right for you, and your child/chiildren, by being true to yourself. Romantic love depends on trust. For me, if I don't trust, I cannot feel romantic love for that person.

best wishes to you and your children, and your AH as well.
chicory is offline  
Old 09-08-2014, 05:19 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you aren't the author of his anything.....HE IS.
you are not responsible for his feelings....HE IS.


his sadness, his recognition that it's done, and that he indeed played a major part....he gets to own that.

LET HIM. let him be happy or sad, better or not, sober and suffering or drinking and miserable. he was a drunk, he was abusive. those are facts.

it's also entirely possible that while uncomfortable, part of you liked his contrite come back to me behavior. now that he seems to maybe have accepted it's over, he's no longer making those overtures....and possibly you miss that.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 09-08-2014, 05:28 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yes. It is a dance. He pulled and tugged. Then he let go and you went reeling backwards, a bit off-balance.

It will be more than okay, it will be great. You've made the decision and it was the right one.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 09-08-2014, 07:10 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Janq View Post
That I am the author of his unhappiness
Nope ... read on...

Originally Posted by Janq View Post
after so many years of doing everything I could to give him happiness and make a good life for us.
you've done your bit - he has written his own story
Missus is offline  
Old 09-09-2014, 05:37 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
I could have written some of your post, Janq. We've been married for 44 years and my RAH, who moved out at my request three months ago, is going to meetings. He was also never abusive to me, but he was to one of my children. He's long since apologized and tried to make amends there.

He's trying very hard to hold on to our marriage and I'm having trouble imagining going back to it at this point. I feel terrible guilt over that. but I'm trying not to.

It helps me to remember that "You didn't cause it" means not only the drinking, but also all the consequences that have come with his actions, including his feelings now.

It's hard to stand strong; we're human, we feel badly for other humans in pain, especially once that we love or loved.
queenapple is offline  
Old 09-09-2014, 06:43 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Janq, just because he is doing well now does not erase all that has happened. When you have lost those feelings for someone they don't magically come flying back. And to break trust in that way, sometimes it never comes back. You have the right to make the best decisions for YOU.

Hugs.....
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 09-09-2014, 09:27 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 10
Janq, I can totally relate as I'm in nearly the same situation as you. Not quite as far into the process, but the feelings are the same - guilt so strong I feel ill a lot of the time. And I don't have any words of wisdom for you - all I can say is that you are not alone.
SeaofConfusion is offline  
Old 09-09-2014, 09:43 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Feelings are not facts.
You will not always feel this way.

Those were two quotes from old-timers at SR that i had on my fridge for three years after leaving AXH.

It takes time to convince yourself that you're not the bad guy after you've been manipulated to believe that you are for years.
lillamy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:09 AM.