yes... this happened to me. Over and over.
It STILL happens to me - at least the "thinking I can maybe drink" part. Thankfully, for almost 9 months, not the relapsing part.
What's different for me so far this time is that like Dee said, I've really turned to a mentality of 'I don't WANT to drink anymore' versus a deep-seated 'let me see if I can figure out how to beat this thing' mentality.
We who struggle with addictions are also often very smart and very determined people. To think there is something we CAN'T do is almost a direct challenge that we MUST find a way to do it. At least, that is partly at play for me and I've seen it with others.
I had to really get to a point where I said to myself and believed that the consequences simply weren't worth it.
Here are some things that I remind myself actively when I find myself thinking about drinking again "someday" that seem to help;
1 - even if I CAN 'moderate'... what is the point? Drinking 'one or two' never does anything. Since I was about 14, the effect I would get from ONE beer or ONE glass of wine is pretty much the same effect as I might get from a glass of juice or water. So - if there's not going to be any effect - then WHY BOTHER? I may as well just have water and not take in the extra calories.
2 - even though I've given myself plenty of evidence over the years that I CAN have one or two and stop.... the honest truth is that throughout my personal history, when I allow ANY alcohol into my body, then eventually I will allow TOO MUCH. Over the course of more than 25 years, this has been the case. And as time has gone by, the consequences have gotten worse and the impact greater. As time has gone by, it's become harder and harder to stop.
3 - IT IS WORKING. My life is better. My body feels better. My mind is clearer. My emotions are more balanced. In fact... EVERYTHING is better. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I THROW THAT AWAY TO POUR POISON INTO MY BODY????
These three basic thoughts have really been helpful to me. I get those thoughts still. I get them a lot less these days, and they dont' really last as long and they're not as strong or challenging to deal with. But I do get them and when I do, being aware of them and countering them with those thoughts really does help. Taking an ACTION along with them works even better. Thought of drinking - Counter-thoughts above - go to the gym. Or a bike ride. Or make a list of goals. Or write out ten reasons to be grateful for sobriety RIGHT NOW. Actions help cement resolve and also help shift our thoughts.
you can do this