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Relapsed :/

Old 09-08-2014, 11:29 PM
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Relapsed :/

So every time I think I've got this down and start feeling better and normal again, I figure it's ok to drink again. Then, of course, the cycle continues and I have feelings of regret after doing so and feeling like crap again. It's such a vicious cycle, and I wish I can just embrace the great feelings of sobriety and continue forward through life feeling great rather than my brain telling me that now that I feel alright, I can go drink one night once again. Do any of you go through these same things? Very disappointed in myself, but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to continue to try and try until I get my sobriety back because it is definitely worth it. I almost want to to change my phone number so that I don't get my "friends" tempting me with texts and phone calls to go out and have some drinks.

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Old 09-09-2014, 12:17 AM
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I went through it for years SHH.

I finally realised two things - one, that at some level I wasn't trying to quit, I was *still* trying to find a way to control my drinking (or at least avoid bad consequences); and two, I was confusing abstinence with control.

I was letting myself be convinced that because I hadn't been drinking for x amount of time that meant I must have control over my appetites and desires now...right?

If you can finally accept that false premise now - and remember it - you'll be a fair way to accepting that the best way for you is no drinking alcohol at all

welcome back

D
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Old 09-09-2014, 12:36 AM
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I'll second what Dee said.
And if you have to change your number to protect your health, do it.
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Old 09-09-2014, 12:44 AM
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Originally Posted by SoberHappyHour View Post
So every time I think I've got this down and start feeling better and normal again, I figure it's ok to drink again. Then, of course, the cycle continues and I have feelings of regret after doing so and feeling like crap again. It's such a vicious cycle, and I wish I can just embrace the great feelings of sobriety and continue forward through life feeling great rather than my brain telling me that now that I feel alright, I can go drink one night once again. Do any of you go through these same things? Very disappointed in myself, but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to continue to try and try until I get my sobriety back because it is definitely worth it. I almost want to to change my phone number so that I don't get my "friends" tempting me with texts and phone calls to go out and have some drinks.

Hey Sober,

I can relate as this was also me for four years. As you can see, I joined this site in 2010! I spent four years going back and forth between trying to quit and trying to get as drunk as I could every night. Four years ago I made it ten days (my former record) and then drank again because I felt better and I simply wanted to.

Dee's post made me just realize that I was still trying to control it. I wanted to take a week off and drink. Or maybe a month and then drink. I never actually wanted to stop from 2010 until June of this year. I was hoping against hope that I would somehow stop wanting it as much and I'd just settle into drinking a few beers here and there, hopefully only on weekends, hopefully no more than that. Hopefully the hangovers would stop then if I could just stick to once a week, month, year. In the end I had this wonderful plan that I would only drink on New Years Ever. Yep, that was my plan. Or maybe also on my birthday, so just two days a year. And throw in a few week moments so how about seven days a year. Man alive, I bargained every which way and how to keep the door open just a sliver to be able to drink again in safety and peace. When I had the thought in the very back crevice of my mind that drinking was still an option I was going to drink again.

The best way to describe what changed can be summed up by every cliche an bumper sticker slogan about sobriety. #1: I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had drank enough quantity to really damage my body and mind. Physical damage to where I actually did not enjoy drinking anymore. I had to drink myself sick, literally, to stop wanting it. Maybe this was some form of aversion therapy? So, I stopped enjoying it. I was miserable drunk. I ws miserable hungover. I was miserable all the time! I didn't even get buzzed anymore, but the hangovers kept getting more and more severe.

So, what took me from where you're at to over two months without the booze was just pure desperation. I tried desperately to escape through getting drunk but that stopped working. I had no choice but to throw that same desperation at sobriety. In the end, I was desperate.

Desperate, yeah, but I still needed daily reminders to check in here every single day. It kept sobriety on my mind all the time because I missed parts of it.

I had to treat myself like I had a wicked flu for about two weeks. Cut out all stresses and even fun. Me, on the couch with my laptop, a bottle of soda, a box of licorice for the sugar cravings, a bag of Fritos (why not?) and Netflix marathons of happy TV shows like Full House.

I wish I had stopped before it became so hellish. I rode my elevator nearly to the bottom. There were health issues starting as well. As the old saying goes, if I can do this, you can too.
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Old 09-09-2014, 01:18 AM
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Just start again Sober - You cannot undo, just use that energy to move forward. Glad you are here
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Old 09-09-2014, 02:35 AM
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Good luck with trying again
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Old 09-09-2014, 02:43 AM
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Hi. Considering you signed up here about 1 ½ years ago I assume you’ve been reading a lot of posts on this forum which should be informative and perhaps be guiding.
Getting sober and staying sober is work, the fairy princess is not going to touch you with the magic wand and proclaim you cured and you can do what you want. Not by a long shot.
Self honesty about our drinking and accepting we cannot drink in safety is a big start, then the work starts with our self, not people, places and things.

BE WELL
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Old 09-09-2014, 03:15 AM
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After years of heavy drinking and no real honest attempts to quit, I finally had enough about 3 years ago, with some great sober runs, but not enough to make it stick. Like you, I keep releasing and have been stuck in a cycle of weeks/months not drinking followed by "just a drink or two" that lasts a week or two until I go for it Again. Yes, it's better than full on daily drinking and even like this my life has changed exponentially. But, it's not enough. My drinking bouts are miserable for me and a sharp contrast to my sober self and life.
Any day is a perfect day to say, enough, for good. And just keep saying that every day, no matter what. We know it's difficult, but so worth it in the end.
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Old 09-09-2014, 03:34 AM
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Hello, and thank you for your honest post. I can sure relate to the voices telling me it is okay to drink again. I hear them. I know they lie to me. I love being sober. I was never able to say I love being drunk. I know I can blow it all with just one weak moment and giving into the crazy voice in my head. I want to be sober more then I want to drink. I think that is what keeps me sober. I am learning to laugh at the voice that says I can drink like a normal person, because I know that voice is from the past crazy drunk me. You can do this, and we are all here to help. Hang in there, you got this.
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Old 09-09-2014, 03:46 AM
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The point at which you make the decision to drink is not a large piece of time; a month's successful sobriety might depend on a half-hour's time of decision-making. The difference between success and failure usually boils down to a fifteen-minute period (or much less), in which you either make the right call (and keep on swimming) or make the wrong call (and sink the boat).

Thus, it doesn't necessarily take a ton of effort or never-ending diligence through every minute of every day, but it does require that you start making the right call every time that one of "those moments" comes up. One slip sinks the ship and puts you back at square one. The good news is that it gets easier and easier to make the right call, the more you are making the right call to begin with. But none of that is going to work in your favor if you are making the wrong call regularly.

I found that my "reasons" for drinking were not myriad or varied -- there were just a few that kept dragging me down. Each time I'd relapse I'd try to figure out what triggered me, and make damn sure that didn't get me again. If you manage to reliably and consistently short-circuit your five classes of big trigger moments, you are in a much stronger position. It's easier to make strides once you stop repeatedly shooting yourself in the foot.
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Old 09-09-2014, 03:58 AM
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yes... this happened to me. Over and over.

It STILL happens to me - at least the "thinking I can maybe drink" part. Thankfully, for almost 9 months, not the relapsing part.

What's different for me so far this time is that like Dee said, I've really turned to a mentality of 'I don't WANT to drink anymore' versus a deep-seated 'let me see if I can figure out how to beat this thing' mentality.

We who struggle with addictions are also often very smart and very determined people. To think there is something we CAN'T do is almost a direct challenge that we MUST find a way to do it. At least, that is partly at play for me and I've seen it with others.

I had to really get to a point where I said to myself and believed that the consequences simply weren't worth it.

Here are some things that I remind myself actively when I find myself thinking about drinking again "someday" that seem to help;

1 - even if I CAN 'moderate'... what is the point? Drinking 'one or two' never does anything. Since I was about 14, the effect I would get from ONE beer or ONE glass of wine is pretty much the same effect as I might get from a glass of juice or water. So - if there's not going to be any effect - then WHY BOTHER? I may as well just have water and not take in the extra calories.

2 - even though I've given myself plenty of evidence over the years that I CAN have one or two and stop.... the honest truth is that throughout my personal history, when I allow ANY alcohol into my body, then eventually I will allow TOO MUCH. Over the course of more than 25 years, this has been the case. And as time has gone by, the consequences have gotten worse and the impact greater. As time has gone by, it's become harder and harder to stop.

3 - IT IS WORKING. My life is better. My body feels better. My mind is clearer. My emotions are more balanced. In fact... EVERYTHING is better. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I THROW THAT AWAY TO POUR POISON INTO MY BODY????


These three basic thoughts have really been helpful to me. I get those thoughts still. I get them a lot less these days, and they dont' really last as long and they're not as strong or challenging to deal with. But I do get them and when I do, being aware of them and countering them with those thoughts really does help. Taking an ACTION along with them works even better. Thought of drinking - Counter-thoughts above - go to the gym. Or a bike ride. Or make a list of goals. Or write out ten reasons to be grateful for sobriety RIGHT NOW. Actions help cement resolve and also help shift our thoughts.

you can do this
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Old 09-09-2014, 04:00 AM
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I am a newcomer and this post really hit me hard. I needed to hear this and really apply it to me. I am in the bargaining stage and I am losing-every time. I will only drink on the weekends (and then the weekends become 7 days long. I will only drink every other night (except that I'm really wiped out today so I'm going to have a drink even though I drank yesterday). I ONLY drink wine...but I can drink 2 bottles in one night. It doesn't affect my work...yet. I JUST WANT TO STOP-FOREVER. I don't want to ride this rollercoaster anymore. AA didn't work for me. I tried Celebrate Recovery and haven't found a group that I click with. Maybe these are excuses for not recovering. I just don't know. I WANT TO STOP. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. I WANT TO BE THE PERSON THAT GOD WANTS ME TO BE AND THIS IS NOT IT. I want to get seriously hooked in here and know that I can "talk" to someone whenever that urge comes up. I need you guys.
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Old 09-09-2014, 04:03 AM
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I love the idea of short-circuiting your five classes of trigger moments. (Not really sure what that means exactly. Maybe someone could explain more). But, sometimes I can even hear them coming. It is like the voice says, "OK you know that this is going to stress you out so if you can't get through it alone I (alcohol) will be there to help you out!" I wish I could "change the number" I gave to that nasty 'old friend'. This is a terrific post. Just what I needed today. Thank you all! CR♡
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Old 09-09-2014, 04:18 AM
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This is a great thread. Great insight. sHH, sorry you are feeling so bad, use it as your fuel. Glad you are back.
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Old 09-09-2014, 04:29 AM
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I agree with Dee... when you aren't ready, you keep doing it. My rock bottom was a three day binge when I drank so badly I fell, bruised myself all over and was sick as a dog for days after. I couldn't take it any more. I went to meetings and met some great people. I got my one day coin, then a month coin, then three. And life started getting better. It took a while. But I am free of the fear... the fear that this week I will go to the store and buy so much and then go out and get so much more and then I will spend a sick day and be depressed and queasy and sick.
Alcohol will continue to trick you until you decide you are done with it. And if you let it have a foot in the door, it will try its damndest to get back to you.
It's the disease we were given. I've been mad about it, but I am also grateful I don't have cancer, or a sick child or so many other things.
Wishing you will be well!
Hugs,
Grat!
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Old 09-09-2014, 10:14 AM
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I had to finally accept that I was now a "non drinker", close that door permanently no matter what my mind was telling me, having plenty of support was important too, something to give me a second opinion on things prior to having a drink!!

Go at things again!! You'll get there!!
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Old 09-09-2014, 11:42 AM
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Me too to all of the above. I tried to moderate for years until finally this time it has clicked. That's what it takes: not drinking. Sounds so simple but everybody here knows it's not. You are the captain of your life, turn this ship around!
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Old 09-09-2014, 08:40 PM
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Thank you all so much for the replies, those who did. I was sober for almost a year and half until recently so I kno that the urges get easier and easier. It had become so easy to wake up each day knowing that I would not drink that day the longer I went on. I really wish that I hadn't chosen to drink the day that I did again a few months back, but it happened. I feel like the major difference between then and now is that at that time I was battling legal issues and had hit rock bottom so I knew I had no choice but to no longer drink. This time around, things have settled down and I've taken care of my legal issues. Therefore, I now feel as though I want to get sober but I also want to drink. I do kno that I very much want to be sober more than I want to drink, however. Only thing is, I think that as long as there is any part of me that also wants to drink then it's going to make this extremely difficult. I wonder if there's a way to continue to tell myself in an attempt to brainwash myself into thinking that there is no part of me that wants to drink and that 100% of me wants to be sober and not try to moderate my drinking. I want it to be genuine that all I want is sobriety, tho. It just feels more difficult this time around but I want this badly. I think if I can go at least a month or two again things will begin to get easier as they did during my almost year and half sober last time.
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Old 09-09-2014, 11:36 PM
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Great thread. I want to give a special thanks to "notmyrealname" as I really loved your response. Chimed loud and clear in my mind.

The difference between success and failure usually boils down to a fifteen-minute period (or much less), in which you either make the right call (and keep on swimming) or make the wrong call (and sink the boat).

Nugget of gold if I ever saw one.

I feel like I have been trying to quit drinking for about 25 years. I remember....when I sobered up in 2006 (when I joined this site actually) I threw away years and years of journals that had repeatedly reported my desire to quit drinking maybe on every fourth page.I was sober when I reviewed the years of evidence...and I was ashamed how long I had begged myself and not listened. If I had a nickel for everytime I wrote down "I really need to quit drinking" in those journals... I'd have a pretty nice rainy day fund.

And here I am with not even 3 months sobriety...again.

I'm doing new things in this sobriety...but still...I have no certainty of my sobriety. I just keep waking up each day and working on it. That's all I know to do right now.

I offer support where I can...I speak my mind...I apply knowledge I have gleaned along the way...

But I have no certainty of anything. I just gotta do the work. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
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Old 09-10-2014, 04:25 AM
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1. Recognising the cycle and accepting it will never change is the foundation the future can be built on.

2. Letting go of the the idea that somehow we can tweak it and get it right is hard but can be done- see 1.

Keep at it
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