Janq

I feel so terribly guilty, even though I know I probably shouldn't. I separated from AH several months ago due to his alcoholism and because he had become abusive while drinking. Since then he has not been drinking at all. He does not want to go to AA. He has done some things really right and that is great, but it has not made me want to reconcile. Other things have not gone as well. I just want him to do well and for us to both move on.

There were problems in our relationship before he became abusive (some because he was drinking daily, during the day, and I didn't know about it). I guess for me, him becoming controlling and abusive was the final straw and broke what little was left of my trust and romantic love for him, although I struggled with the decision for some time. I decided that I could not recommit no matter what and wanted a divorce. I told him that and he has been unable to accept it and keeps asking me for more time. I want to move on with life, figure out what our "new normal" as co-parents is and hopefully be happy again eventually. I don't see how I could ever trust him again. We have a child, so we will remain in contact and I feel able to manage that responsibly and appropriately.

I won't say it's easy. This has all been really hard and really sad, and very lonely. Sometimes I've thought about how it would be easier to just go back because it is familiar and not so lonely, but the thought of leaving behind all the progress I've made and to disregard the pain of the past year is unthinkable and feels terrible.

Finally now it seems to have gotten through to him that it's over and he is so sad that I feel awful guilt. Of course I care about him and want him to be okay (better than okay). I feel so, so bad. That I am the author of his unhappiness after so many years of doing everything I could to give him happiness and make a good life for us.

I still don't think I can or want to reconcile. I just feel terrible. I know that (while I also own my part and am not blameless) that the breakup of our marriage is primarily at his feet. And I was very uncomfortable with how hard he has been pushing to get me to come back. But now that it seems to have gotten through to him that it's over, I feel terrible that he is so unhappy and in pain.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of this and just need some support I think. People here always have such wise and helpful things to say. Thank you.