Hello again,
My ex tried to call again last night twice, but I let the phone ring through both times. I really don't know what I'd say to her at the moment. I also think that she would have a go at me for "not being her friend", but don't know that. The strange thing about it is that I'd been feeling fairly low over the weekend, but it instinctively made me feel a lot better to know that she was needing me in some way. I guess its a massive part of the codependency that you feel a high from the other person's need for you.
I'm kind of on a come down from it now, and feeling a bit low. It really is the pattern of addiction, isn't it? It amazes me that something that is not a substance can become an addiction. I suppose that addictions generally take hold from experiences that are thrilling in the short term, and involve a relationship with something/one else that enable a kind of short-circuit of the self, so as to evade re-relating with the person smothered within.
I have isolated myself a fair amount in the last week or so, and am working, but trying to take things fairly easy. I am finding facing the World as a codependent, without someone else to "live through", to be challenging. I guess its a mixture of grief, recollection of abandonment, and holding true to a belief I can be a worthwhile inner friend, rather than beating myself up for being a worthless waste of space
I'm sorry to ramble, it helps to share thoughts and feelings with people who understand. Big hugs