Originally Posted by
Florence 
Don't yank school funding. Give her that at least. However, holding those strings, I might give her a timeline on family counseling. If at the end of three months she is unwilling to attend regular counseling with you/solo, you will need to renegotiate the terms of your financial support.
Regarding your mom, I would just be as straight as possible to both of them, then let it go. Are you and your ex on the same page? If so, continue to reiterate to Mom that you don't approve of her meddling and refuse to discuss it with her further. Period. Tell everyone in the family this is your position. Tell your daughter that you dislike her triangulation of relatives to get her way, but that you love her and are here for her when she's ready and that you really want to make things right. Then let it go. They're adults making decisions.
I posted recently about my meddling mother. Similar triangulation and manipulation issues in my family also. I just remind family that Mom isn't a reliable narrator, especially about me and my life, and I'm very straight with her about my boundaries. She responds well to embarrassment. Some of the things she does would be enough to get a restraining order if a stranger was doing them. I hear you. It's so painful when it's your mom doing the dirty work between you and your kids.
Thank you Florence. I appreciate your insight. I do want to keep supporting her with college as I feel education is very important.
Your point about triangulation is very helpful. Today I was thinking about the concept of "the drama triangle" learned back in college psych. I will do what you suggest and be very clear with my mother and other family.
Tonight I met with my ex husband and we talked about what was going on so that we could be on the same page (as much as possible) prior to talking to our daughter together this week. He felt like we should stick with our boundaries with both her and my parents, and try to stay the course. Surprisingly sane advice coming from an alcoholic.
We shall see how all this goes. It's tough to feel like my safe harbor (my parents) is no longer a port in the storm.