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When extended family meddles in personal matters....what do you do?



When extended family meddles in personal matters....what do you do?

Old 09-07-2014, 04:33 PM
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When extended family meddles in personal matters....what do you do?

I haven't posted in a while, but read here often and always find so much hope and strength here.

I'm the former wife of an A, but today I'm really struggling with my parents and my mother's insistence on keeping herself in my personal affairs and creating a lot of unnecessary drama. I'm really struggling. For the most part have had a good relationship with my parents over the years and they've been balanced and supportive, so this is a little unexpected.

Long story short, in June I had a fight with my 19 year old daughter that became physical. Since then she has hardly seen me and won't attend counseling at this point, and tells everyone who will listen that she "doesn't feel safe" with me. My daughter has significant emotional issues as she was in foster care until she was 10. It has not been an easy road raising her. I have two younger biological children, 16 and 13.

My parents, mom in particular, have taken on this role of "rescuers." My 19 year old bounces around between her dad's house, my house, friends' houses and her grandparents. She often stays with them, my mother 'counsels' her, and my mother seems to see herself as this conduit between my daughter and us (the parents). My daughter stays with my parents often, citing that she feels so unsafe with either parent that she can't spend more than a night with us here and there. We are reasonably decent, loving parents --- despite our flaws --- and this feels incredibly manipulative.

I have asked my mother repeatedly, calmly, and very straight up to please back away from her close involvement with my daughter so that my ex-husband and I can work toward some sort of resolution and plan to move ahead. My mom agrees to do this, but then a week later is back in the drama fray, basically saying that she needs to be involved because as parents we're falling short. It's all very frustrating and it's creating HUGE wedges in relationships that I fear could be permanent.

For the record, I'm a reasonably well adjusted, divorced mother of four with a job, a house and a few years of therapy and Al Anon under her belt. I'm hurting but basically sane. This whole situation feels like Crazy Town. My daughter will have very little to do with me, she goes to my parents to complain about how I don't love her equally, and from my perspective they are jumping into this drama and adding a very toxic element to an already difficult situation. It's like trying to work on a floundering marriage with a mistress in the wings.

I've always loved my parents, but today I am feeling like I want to shut them out of my life. I have already detached quite a lot from my mom since all this started earlier this summer. They are 75 and 84 and live 10 minutes away. I am exhausted.
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:39 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts to be at odds with a daughter. However, your daughter is 19 years old and as such, is considered an adult. If she wants to stay with your parents, and they want her there, then why not just let it be? Maybe just step back from the whole situation for a while?

Things have a way of working out one way or the other, but with continual pushing and shoving from both sides, it just keeps everything in upheaval. Maybe just accept that things are what they are at this point. Give it some time and let things settle for a bit?
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:44 PM
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All you can do is get out of the way.

It's obvious your mom is going to continue to appease your daughter, (your adult daughter's behavior is childlike, and manipulative.)

As long as your mom bows down to her/ gets sucked into the chaos..... what can you actually do?

and she is an adult..................

sorry you are feeling so frustrated.
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts to be at odds with a daughter. However, your daughter is 19 years old and as such, is considered an adult. If she wants to stay with your parents, and they want her there, then why not just let it be? Maybe just step back from the whole situation for a while?
I've tried to do that for two months, just let things be. But my mother keeps calling me and wanting to talk about everything, despite my trying to back away and detach. My parents don't want her staying with them all the time, just a couple of nights a week. They've made that clear. Daughter is in school and still financially dependent on us.
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:52 PM
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School as in college? If so, you aren't obligated to finance her higher education; especially, if she is treating you so badly. Also, you aren't obligated to discuss these issues with your mother. If you insist on answering when she calls, then be ready to say...sorry, got to go, if she starts in with the daughter issues. She'll figure it out after a while.

It may sound cruel to you to do these things, but you're the only one who can make the changes necessary so you aren't going through this stuff.
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
School as in college? If so, you aren't obligated to finance her higher education; especially, if she is treating you so badly. Also, you aren't obligated to discuss these issues with your mother. If you insist on answering when she calls, then be ready to say...sorry, got to go, if she starts in with the daughter issues. She'll figure it out after a while.

It may sound cruel to you to do these things, but you're the only one who can make the changes necessary so you aren't going through this stuff.
Yes, she's a sophomore in college. I have gotten pretty good at deflecting my mom's advances. It's hard to walk away from my daughter when our relationship is so insecure to start with.
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Old 09-07-2014, 05:24 PM
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Don't yank school funding. Give her that at least. However, holding those strings, I might give her a timeline on family counseling. If at the end of three months she is unwilling to attend regular counseling with you/solo, you will need to renegotiate the terms of your financial support.

Regarding your mom, I would just be as straight as possible to both of them, then let it go. Are you and your ex on the same page? If so, continue to reiterate to Mom that you don't approve of her meddling and refuse to discuss it with her further. Period. Tell everyone in the family this is your position. Tell your daughter that you dislike her triangulation of relatives to get her way, but that you love her and are here for her when she's ready and that you really want to make things right. Then let it go. They're adults making decisions.

I posted recently about my meddling mother. Similar triangulation and manipulation issues in my family also. I just remind family that Mom isn't a reliable narrator, especially about me and my life, and I'm very straight with her about my boundaries. She responds well to embarrassment. Some of the things she does would be enough to get a restraining order if a stranger was doing them. I hear you. It's so painful when it's your mom doing the dirty work between you and your kids.
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Don't yank school funding. Give her that at least. However, holding those strings, I might give her a timeline on family counseling. If at the end of three months she is unwilling to attend regular counseling with you/solo, you will need to renegotiate the terms of your financial support.

Regarding your mom, I would just be as straight as possible to both of them, then let it go. Are you and your ex on the same page? If so, continue to reiterate to Mom that you don't approve of her meddling and refuse to discuss it with her further. Period. Tell everyone in the family this is your position. Tell your daughter that you dislike her triangulation of relatives to get her way, but that you love her and are here for her when she's ready and that you really want to make things right. Then let it go. They're adults making decisions.

I posted recently about my meddling mother. Similar triangulation and manipulation issues in my family also. I just remind family that Mom isn't a reliable narrator, especially about me and my life, and I'm very straight with her about my boundaries. She responds well to embarrassment. Some of the things she does would be enough to get a restraining order if a stranger was doing them. I hear you. It's so painful when it's your mom doing the dirty work between you and your kids.
Thank you Florence. I appreciate your insight. I do want to keep supporting her with college as I feel education is very important.

Your point about triangulation is very helpful. Today I was thinking about the concept of "the drama triangle" learned back in college psych. I will do what you suggest and be very clear with my mother and other family.

Tonight I met with my ex husband and we talked about what was going on so that we could be on the same page (as much as possible) prior to talking to our daughter together this week. He felt like we should stick with our boundaries with both her and my parents, and try to stay the course. Surprisingly sane advice coming from an alcoholic.

We shall see how all this goes. It's tough to feel like my safe harbor (my parents) is no longer a port in the storm.
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Old 09-08-2014, 05:20 AM
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Agreed on school. If you have the ability to send her and the expectation that she go to college, help her out. My parents had the means and the expectations but chose not to help me, but funded my sisters the whole way through grad school. It's become a massive wedge in my family.
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Old 09-08-2014, 06:21 AM
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I agree with funding her school....to a point. If she is unwilling to reconcile or do anything to assist in fixing your relationship, I would then pull funding after this school year. School is vitally important in this day and age, it is also underappreciated by the kids what an expense and sacrifice it is. Just my .02.

I am sorry about your parents. That has to hurt. Unfortunately, at this juncture in their lives, they are unlikely to change much if at all. I would not expect that. When I was your daughter's age, I think I was the most self absorbed and dramatic person on the earth. I have told my family I am so sorry over and over, luckily they forgave me. I hope this too is just a stage your daughter is going through as it was for me. I can only say that time changed me...a lot.

Good luck and God Bless to you and your family!
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:09 AM
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Daughter was in Foster care until 10?

so am I tracking correctly that she was adopted?

And likely from a chaos family, prior (and that was why she was in Foster care?)
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Daughter was in Foster care until 10?

so am I tracking correctly that she was adopted?

And likely from a chaos family, prior (and that was why she was in Foster care?)
Yes. She was with her biological mother until she was 8 but social services had been involved pretty much throughout her life.

And yes to chaos. Mom is severely mentally ill, dad (absent) is an addict.

All definitely contributing factors. Despite the tough start, she's a compassionate, wonderful human being with a lot going for her. But she has some pretty major baggage that no amount of therapy is going to erase.

With her I always walk a fine line because she tends to perceive 'normal' parenting things we do as unfair.
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Old 09-08-2014, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
Yes. She was with her biological mother until she was 8 but social services had been involved pretty much throughout her life.

And yes to chaos. Mom is severely mentally ill, dad (absent) is an addict.

All definitely contributing factors. Despite the tough start, she's a compassionate, wonderful human being with a lot going for her. But she has some pretty major baggage that no amount of therapy is going to erase.

With her I always walk a fine line because she tends to perceive 'normal' parenting things we do as unfair.
Since she is 19, why not help her out with college and let her figure out her living situation elsewhere? That is both generous and gives her freedom and responsibility.

FYI, my dad helped pay my tuition in college but I have lived on my own since I was 19. I had jobs to supplement income for living.
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