I don't think your conflicted. I think you want to drink and you will. Oh, maybe you'll come back and cite your disappointment, then point to your 95% success in cutting back, and vow to get onboard the sober train. Until the next derailment.
Guess I sound cynical. Yes, I am. I've seen too many newcomers justify their going back out, do so, and never return. I suppose some are ashamed. But some weekend slips never end and the drinking continues. Hate to see that happen to you.