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Seriously conflicted

Old 09-03-2014, 09:44 AM
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Seriously conflicted

I have been on this site for almost a month and have done pretty well with the not drinking. Made it almost three weeks, did not drink for a birthday or anniversary, but did drink at a party where I said I would not. So is it perfect, no, have I done much better, yes.

I am heading to a huge college football game this weekend to meet up with some old cronies. Just the men, no wives or kids and I have a good idea what is going to happen. I am going regardless and know I should not drink, but also know I am going to drink because that is what we all do when we are together. We get together every 2 years for a game. We all live in different parts of the country and fly in, rent a house and it is a big "safe" party. No driving, no kids, etc.

The conflicting aspect is I know I should not drink and I should just not do it. But the whole weekend is a bender. Hell, these are the guys who helped me develop my problem. But I know I am going to drink. So maybe I am not ready to "stop". Previously I have always found a reason to drink and called it a last time, and I don't want this to happen. I am making real progress on the amount I drink, cutting it by 95% of what it used to be, but I still feel I cant go to this game without drinking. I love not drinking, I like the effects of feeling good, being productive, etc, but still think I need to drink one last time.

If anyone has fought this battle and won, I would appreciate your thoughts. What is hard is I have made it through the first sober birthday and anniversary last month in August, I just don't know if I can attend a ND Michigan game sober since I have never don't that. Is there a time when this is easier to understand?

Thanks for your time.
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Old 09-03-2014, 09:49 AM
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"The conflicting aspect is I know I should not drink and I should just not do it. "

But you WANT to do it.

Yeah... you don't WANT to wind up on a bender...

but you WANT to drink....

you don't WANT this.... but boy oh boy... do you ever WANT it.

I get it.


Here's the thing; you can choose to WANT to be sober and live a richer life now.... or you can choose to WANT to drink, and eventually find yourself so desperately wanting to NOT drink that you'll have no choice but to fight like mad to get out of it.

Or, at least, that's what happened for a lot of us.

Crap situation, isn't it?



On the upside though, if you choose the harder path right now - wanting to be sober so that you can experience how good life really can be - you may well avoid a whole lot of awfulness and also find a deep happiness much sooner in life.

That may or may not be more important to you than being wasted at a football game.

It's your call.
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Old 09-03-2014, 09:49 AM
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Glad you are doing well, and that you WANT sobriety. That is huge. You don't see it as a burden, but a lifestyle you crave.

If you go way back w/these guys, can you simply tell them the truth?? I have found that so many isolate their true feelings and actions in dealing with recovery. It may just be that there is someone else who does not/cannot drink.

You can also always use the old standby, I am on medicine that I cannot drink with.

Good luck to you. Stay safe!
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Old 09-03-2014, 09:52 AM
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I don't think your conflicted. I think you want to drink and you will. Oh, maybe you'll come back and cite your disappointment, then point to your 95% success in cutting back, and vow to get onboard the sober train. Until the next derailment.

Guess I sound cynical. Yes, I am. I've seen too many newcomers justify their going back out, do so, and never return. I suppose some are ashamed. But some weekend slips never end and the drinking continues. Hate to see that happen to you.
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Old 09-03-2014, 09:57 AM
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I don't think you're conflicted either. You know you want to drink and that's what you're choosing to do.

When you decide to stop drinking for good, you won't feel conflicted about that either.

I'm glad you're doing better.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:05 AM
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I fooled myself as well in that way. Thinking that I was sober for X amount of time then drank, then thinking because of that I was doing much better. In actual fact if you didnt drink after that relapse then yes you are doing much better, but I would say that in fact the drink is still prevelant in your mind, you havent turned any corners and perhaps you will drink again, why? because you drank. If nothing changes then nothing changes. Look at what you were doing while you were sober for 3 weeks. Thats not a long time at all. Binge drinking is a dilemma and a half, its trickier to stop because of your exact same thinking pattern.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I don't think you're conflicted either. You know you want to drink and that's what you're choosing to do.

When you decide to stop drinking for good, you won't feel conflicted about that either.

I'm glad you're doing better.
Exactly
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:20 AM
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It's not really fighting a battle if you've already decided to wave the white flag and surrender!!
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:20 AM
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There will always be a reason to drink in your head.. But you just can't do it or you risk everything
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:21 AM
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i too go back normally once a year with my old college football buddies during homecoming and it to is a big drinking fest and party, but to be honest the time that i spend is very blurry do to the fact that i didnt watch the game cause i was more interested on making sure the cooler was empty and cant really remember having spent quality time with my friends cause i was drunk. there were no good conversation, no how is life, no how are the kids. it was all text or messaging later about how crazy we were that weekend or who done what stupid or crap like that. you need to be honest with yourself and decide that if you are ready to stop then your old buddies will be ok with that and realize that your a stronger individual than they are.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by herradura View Post
I love not drinking, I like the effects of feeling good, being productive, etc, but still think I need to drink one last time.
Need? Last time?

How many last times do you need?

To be honest, when I first got sober, I would have entered a convent in the first month if possible. That's how much I needed to not be anywhere near alcohol.

You ask when this all gets easier to understand. Yes, it all gets easier. But sobriety has to be your No. 1 priority, not a passing fancy with built-in plans to drink (and a lot, from what it sounds like).

How about not going this year and making sobriety your priority?
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:44 AM
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Thanks for the thoughts. DogonCarl hit it on the head. I not conflicted I just want to drink with these guys. I suppose what makes this different for me at this time is I have had a drinking problem for a long time. It did not really show until I retired 2 years ago. It was always a "concern" which needed to be "addressed" at a later time.

Have had the problem for a long time, and only in the last month have I decided to address the problem. Don't get me wrong, I have tried every, and I mean every plan to "cut back", from the amount of booze, the time to drink it, between drinks, the type, whisky, beer, vodka, wine, different alcoholic percentages of beers, and the list goes on and on. But after coming on this site, I found that I have to control the first one. I can still go out and have a couple of beers and stop. I can still not drink for a week. But I have noticed that as often as I try to taper, it eventually becomes full blown drinking. There is a cycle here and I need to break it. I just don't want an excuse to do it hard core for a weekend and then as was mentioned earlier, come back and say it was not what I planned it to be.
I appreciate the thoughts and comments. I will be back here after the weekend. I wont quit this site until I am where I need to be. I guess I feel pretty damn good about not drinking for a while and think I am making a lot of progress. I know this is a process, I am used to processes. I have never in my life done anything of value the first time. It takes a lot of commitment and hard work to get positive results.

One thing I am struggling with is I have been very successful by doing something, grinding it out, hard work, commitment, dedication, and being proactive. Yet the main problems I have in my life are not solved by DOING ANYTHING!! I just need to stop doing things. Stop drinking, stop eating too much, stop using nicotine. I cant get my head around these things yet, but will continue to think about it and try to get it under control. I thought not drinking would solve the weight issue and the nicotine issue as they all feed off of each other.

Sorry for the ramble, but my head is very full at this moment.
It is laughable, I can keep a family together, make money in the market, appear on the outside to be very successful, but I cant seem to STOP doing the things that only require "not doing it". It is hard to work 14 hours a day 7 days a week, it should not be hard to not drink and not eat too much. Perhaps my mind is simply "not right".

Thanks again.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:49 AM
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Venecia I have to go, Already rented the house, bought the plane ticket, have a ticket to the game. It is a very special game where ND is playing Michigan for the last time in many years. I could pass on a trip to the World Cup finals, don't like soccer at all and would not go if it was all expenses paid, but this is a huge game.

Purple, I am not French!, I am German, no white flags in my home or life. It is the fighting Irish against the despicable Michiganders!

I will get it figured out, just needed some insight and am thankful for the help.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:58 AM
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I think that game day is an excuse to drink. That simple. If you want to stay sober, and you know that going to that game is going to be more work than enjoyment because you'll be fighting to stay sober, then the best thing is to not go. And given that you've admitted going is going to be your free for all ticket to go on a bender... well, there's the blatant truth. You are in essence planning to drink.

Which do you want more? A bender at a game, or sobriety?

You seem to be a work hard, play hard type. Maybe it's time to look at your values and ideals. Do you actually want to be sober, a non-smoker, a healthy moderate eater? Achieving those goals isn't really the point. But living that way and reaping the benefits of that way of life are more the point, right?

I want to be a meditator, but not for the sake of racking up another day where I meditated. I guess I want what meditation brings to my life. I want to learn how to tap into that inner peace, inner acceptance, unconditional sort of self love, you know? I no longer want to be a CONSUMER and ACHIEVER, for the sake of those things as an action or way to push down the underlying more important and intangible things.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by herradura View Post
Venecia I have to go, Already rented the house, bought the plane ticket, have a ticket to the game. It is a very special game
.
With respect, you are choosing to go. You do NOT have to go.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:09 AM
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SoberJennie,
I like the post on meditating. Certainly in my case I sacrifice my well being for the good of my family. I need to get into the self love deal as I have and probably always will put myself at the bottom of the list. I have always put my businesses first, Family second, Religion third and my well being at the bottom. Always figured without the businesses the family would leave, so they were second. Sold the businesses and the Family is certainly first now.

Never been into meditation, always think though, I mean always think. Bi-Polar I guess, at least that is what the Doctors have said. Non medicated BP. Been medicated but does not agree with me, I don't like being a Zombie. Have thought about going back on the drugs/medicine, there is a really good one which caused me to lose 60 lbs in two months and I stopped drinking, all without trying. But the side effect of not being able to think clearly and extreme aphasia were devastating to my businesses and family. Dad was there, but "not there".

Deep South I have to assume Alabama who crushed the Irish in the Nat Championship two years ago. Still a little soar about that!!
Appreciate the post!
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:15 AM
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Only way to achieve your goal would be to skip this game since its sole purpose is to drink yourself stupid. Moderation never works either. You can't be somewhat sober that's like being semi pregnant.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:41 AM
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I'm gonna go ahead and say this even though I think you've already made your choice.

Consider skipping this game and get-together.

Use this as an opportunity to break the cycle in an active way, by choosing a DIFFERENT action.

Find some alternative, non-drinking, fun and healthy thing to do instead with some other friends, someone you care about, or even just on your own.

Take action NOW, regarding the very thing that is haunting you, directly and with commitment.

To do otherwise is no different than all the hundreds of times I SWORE I was done drinking, wanted to BE done drinking, but still steered the vehicle right into the liquor store project and straight into a blackout over and over and over again.

I think you've made the choice to let the addiction take over on this one already. But - I don't feel like I'd be doing my part to encourage you in the right direction (at least some small part of you came here hoping for strength and encouragement to get off the merry go round) if I didn't say it directly.

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Old 09-03-2014, 11:46 AM
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nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:50 AM
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Free owl,

Thanks for the thoughts and I truly appreciate them. Yes I am going to go to the game, I have to, I really do. I am the cook for the whole deal and these guys even though mostly "successful" are lost without their wives.

I booked the trip the same day I got on this site. It has been planned for a whole year, but I did not want to go because I had already traveled enough this year. But I booked it and made the commitment to go. This is where the conflict is, when I commit to being somewhere or doing something I am spot on. Except with drinking, overeating and nicotine gum.

I have a plan and it is to not drink and just go with the flow of things. One of my buddies is bringing in his whole family (not staying with us) and I will hang with him. He is who I want to be, successful financially, but fit and not a problem drinker, great wife and four kids. So that is what I am going to shoot for.

I knew this weekend was coming up for a month, but decided not to "deal" with it until I was ready to head to the airport. Otherwise I would be all screwed around mentally for the whole month in addition to the things I normally worry about.

Thanks again, you are right.

BTW I have barn owls at my ranch and they eat my chickens. I don't mind really because they are so cool. One is almost 3.5 feet tall. He lives in a tree at the end of the property and my kids collect the "pellets" and dissect them.
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