Seriously conflicted
I have been on this site for almost a month and have done pretty well with the not drinking. Made it almost three weeks, did not drink for a birthday or anniversary, but did drink at a party where I said I would not. So is it perfect, no, have I done much better, yes.
I am heading to a huge college football game this weekend to meet up with some old cronies. Just the men, no wives or kids and I have a good idea what is going to happen. I am going regardless and know I should not drink, but also know I am going to drink because that is what we all do when we are together. We get together every 2 years for a game. We all live in different parts of the country and fly in, rent a house and it is a big "safe" party. No driving, no kids, etc.
The conflicting aspect is I know I should not drink and I should just not do it. But the whole weekend is a bender. Hell, these are the guys who helped me develop my problem. But I know I am going to drink. So maybe I am not ready to "stop". Previously I have always found a reason to drink and called it a last time, and I don't want this to happen. I am making real progress on the amount I drink, cutting it by 95% of what it used to be, but I still feel I cant go to this game without drinking. I love not drinking, I like the effects of feeling good, being productive, etc, but still think I need to drink one last time.
If anyone has fought this battle and won, I would appreciate your thoughts. What is hard is I have made it through the first sober birthday and anniversary last month in August, I just don't know if I can attend a ND Michigan game sober since I have never don't that. Is there a time when this is easier to understand?
Thanks for your time.