Thanks, Wodge, for sharing your experience with us. For me, it helped me toward an AH-HA moment.
After almost two years away from my now XAH, I am learning one more thing that NC does. I got an email saying that he has been living with someone else for 3 months, and none of his bad behavior, his "alter-ego" as he called it, has surfaced. In fact, he said, none of it had ever surfaced since I left. Therefore, he had no bad behavior. Therefore what happened was that I projected all my issues on HIM, thought he was my father who abused me, and it was all my fault. My fantasy. My psychosis. He was the innocent maltreated partner.
What this does is let him have a new relationship with his "good behavior" and siphon off the anxiety and rage behind his "bad behavior" and project it out to me, where he can argue it with me in the guise of "straightening me out". His rage is huge, and he HAS to have an outlet for it. He needs a very bad guy in his life, and he wants desperately to keep this new relationship with his new lady "clean", so voila, here I am, his sitting duck for his necessary target practice.
Never saw it this way before. When people create triangles with other people, it lets them compartmentalize their behavior and send the bad stuff one way and maintain their illusion of good behavior with the new person. They get the outlet for their rage and anxiety and look good to the person they care about at the same time.
No contact all the way for me. I'm done, I'm happy, and I don't want to even look back into that hornet's nest.
So, Wodge, civility and good manners don't matter here. You've said no contact, and you mean it. You notified your X of your intentions clearly. You were honest, clear, and polite. No need to do it again.
You are headed on a much healthier track! On your own, for yourself, choosing health. From my experience, the more we choose health for ourselves, the more we can recognize ill-health in others and not fall into those pits again.
ShootingStar1