Rang my ex an hour ago asking if my girls are ok, and she was horrible with me- its the same old story, she's lovely with me when she wants something then once she's got it she shows her real colours and its messed my head up.
Every question I asked her she responded with one word answers and was as cold as ice, before she went to wedding she asked if Id like to stay at hers the night before the kids' first day back in school so I could take them with her 'as a family' in her words. So I asked her whats happening tomorrow night regarding this- she said 'no, I don't want you to stay' I stayed calm and asked her why she invited me to do this last Tuesday and if she only did to make sure she got to go to the wedding and the money I gave her to go there with and she replied 'probably, yes'.
She coldly says 'we're not together' but she's the one that calls me everyday even when Im working as if we're still a couple, she's the one that invites me to stay at hers' only to pull the plug when it suits her, I can't keep allowing this to happen- I cling on to the nice side of her, but the cold controlling side is harming me. In the past Id find it so confusing that Id just drink away the confusion and ultimately give her more power. Her family are a heavy drinking family and Ive been physically assaulted 3 times by different male members of it, and ive just took it never retaliating, never getting police involved because I loved her but Ive been a fool and I feel like one again right now.
I would dearly love to be able to give my girls the family life they so deserve but as I get sober I realise that the relationship could never work with or without alcohol, and that's soul destroying- there has been a part of me that thought 'if I stop drinking, then everything would come good and we'd live together as a proper family' but its becoming clear that that is just a fantasy.