Originally Posted by
sc277 
I always mess it up by forcing myself to believe I am not an alcoholic. I don't drink in the morning, I haven't wrecked my home life, I haven't lost my job. I am young and when I go to meetings I meet people that have different stories from me and it makes it hard to relate. Then I trick myself and tell myself I am not an alcoholic because I haven't ruined my entire life.
I know only I can decide if I am an alcoholic. I have said it at meetings, but I don't know what to think. I know I'm growing closer and closer to alcoholism. Still, I know I should be sober. But I have a problem thinking about that I will never be able to drink again. Why should I be punished? I'm 23 years old. I want to have a glass of wine at my wedding, take my younger sister out for her 21st birthday, etc. Should I take the plunge and surrender and commit to sobriety completely? Or should I try and "calm it down" for a few months? I'm rambling but anyone who read this that has any input, please help me. I'm desperate.
It sounds like you have already tried to calm it down, without success. And it's true that you haven't ruined your entire life, but you left out the operative word: yet.
If you are an alcoholic, your drinking and the consequences will continue to increase. At some point, your perspective will change about drinking and punishment. I was able to quit when the prospect continued drinking was worse than dying, and I knew I had years before I could expect that respite.
AA's big book talks about delusion being part of the disease. Here's the definition of delusion: "a false belief maintained despite ample evidence to the contrary." Until you are willing and able every day to accept that you cannot drink successfully, you will continue to struggle with getting sober. I sincerely hope you get there before the consequences become irreversible.