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My First Day Sober

Old 08-30-2014, 10:34 PM
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My First Day Sober

I am not really sure how these boards work but I figured I would give this a shot and introduce myself.

I am a 23-year-old "problem drinker" that has been drinking since I was 15. I have struggled with getting sober for the last 6 months. I've been in and out of meetings the whole time but never truly committed to the program. After another blackout last night, I'm decided to give sobriety another shot. I once stayed sober for 4 months. I want to try again but I have some concerns before I commit.

My drinking pattern consists of the following. I drink about 4-5 days a week, blacking out at least 1 night a week, and drinking anywhere from 5-12 drinks each night. I usually drive myself home from the bar each time (I have never had a DUI out of sheer luck.) I no longer keep alcohol in the house, but when I want to drink by myself I buy a bottle of wine and a 1/2 pint of something hard and finish both. To some people this is excessive, but many have told me this is not true "alcoholism' and I'm just "getting it out of my system"... even though at my rate it should have been out of my system years ago.

So, whenever I try and stay sober, I always mess it up by forcing myself to believe I am not an alcoholic. I don't drink in the morning, I haven't wrecked my home life, I haven't lost my job. I am young and when I go to meetings I meet people that have different stories from me and it makes it hard to relate. Then I trick myself and tell myself I am not an alcoholic because I haven't ruined my entire life.

I know only I can decide if I am an alcoholic. I have said it at meetings, but I don't know what to think. I know I'm growing closer and closer to alcoholism. Still, I know I should be sober. But I have a problem thinking about that I will never be able to drink again. Why should I be punished? I'm 23 years old. I want to have a glass of wine at my wedding, take my younger sister out for her 21st birthday, etc. Should I take the plunge and surrender and commit to sobriety completely? Or should I try and "calm it down" for a few months? I'm rambling but anyone who read this that has any input, please help me. I'm desperate.
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Old 08-30-2014, 11:57 PM
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I know it's late but if anyone is listening, I'm here. Just let me know this is the right thing to do. I'm feeling lost.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:09 AM
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Hi and welcome sc

This is an international board, so there's always someone around. It;s probably a little quieter than usual due to Labor Day tho.

To me alcoholism is not measured by how much you drink, it's what happens to you when you do, and how that makes you feel.

I spent a lot of years where my alcoholism was not readily apparent to others...until it was. I really believe addiction is progressive, so you're wise to be thinking about it now.

I also think the label is not nearly as important as admitting and accepting you have a problem...and most people who take the time to register here and post feel they do.

With that taken as read, you can start to figure out what to do about your problem.

You'll find a lot of support advice and understanding here - just posting here helped a lot for me. It meant a lot to be around folks who understood.

I'm glad you found us

D
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:15 AM
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I want to have a glass of wine at my wedding, take my younger sister out for her 21st birthday, etc. Should I take the plunge and surrender and commit to sobriety completely? Or should I try and "calm it down" for a few months? I'm rambling but anyone who read this that has any input, please help me. I'm desperate.
I think most of us try to 'calm it down'. For me that was long before I got here. I know I have no control over my intake after that first drink. Calming down is an impossibility for me.

I think, too, most of us have a catalogue of future events we can't imagine without alcohol.

My advice is to try and stay in today. Stay sober for today...Repeat tomorrow. You may find, like i did, that you vastly prefer your life without alcohol. Those special occasions will still be special... and they;re all the more special to me because I can remember them and I didn't embarrass myself or others

I know it's all unknown, immense and scary right now...but try not to leap too far ahead just yet. Things have a way of sorting themselves out

D
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:17 AM
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Hi sc277, I'm sure you will have lots of really good advice once your post has been on a few hours. There are loads of great people on this site with insightful advice and experience.

You are still so young so don't be too hard on yourself. Life is just starting for you and you should be looking forward to all the good things it is going to bring you. I think, personally, If I'd have seen my binge drinking in my 20's was a sign I probably couldn't handle drinking responsibly, I may not be in the position I am now. 39 with two kids and fighting addiction. It has been a horrible part of my life for the last 9 years. I saw drinking in my 20's as a kind of right, I was young, I worked hard, why not drink every weekend. Ok, so loads of people do this and its not a problem. I knew by 29 I was using alcohol to blur stress out, give me confidence, make me happy, reward myself, give me a perk up, you name it, I found an excuse. I suffered allot of trauma in my mid 20's and never got help, psychologically. Perhaps if I had, I would not be in this position today and would have found some coping techniques for stress factors in my life.

I have heard many people ask if their drinking habits are normal. Usually based on how much they drink, when and why? Well all I can say if it is concerning you and making you feel like crap, you need to think about the possible reasons you are using alcohol in excess. I know at your age the thought of sobriety, forever, is harsh. But try and get the deep down issues out and see where that leaves you. See your Doctor and be honest. Talk to a local alcohol service and get some advice/counselling.

I really do wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:32 AM
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Thank you for your thoughts. It's 3:30 AM and I'm tossing and turning in bed with anxiety. This time last night I was passed out on my bathroom floor. It sounds stupid but even hearing from sober/in recovery strangers makes me feel better. I don't have a great support system in real life.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:36 AM
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Try and sleep, drink lots of water and get some fresh air. I suffer terrible anxiety after I drink, so I understand how you are feeling right now. Try and imagine how much better you are going to feel in a few hours time. Little steps and don't over think things right now. Last night has gone and you are no longer there, don't beat yourself up about it.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:59 AM
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Thank you Tiffy. Trying not to over think things. I need to work on keeping things simple!
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Old 08-31-2014, 01:15 AM
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SC277, welcome, I hope you stick with us. Your experience is similar to many of our own.

I was drinking wine every evening (about 3 quarters of a bottle, I let my partner have a glass!) I knew it had become the "highlight" of each day, it was the one thing I looked forward too, and I felt deprived if I was denied it for one reason or another. I was actually quite miserable most of the time. Nothing else seemed to give me any purpose or satisfaction, my life was a list of things to get through before I could drink.

People around me drank as much if not more and didn't seem that bothered by it. My partner did not think I was an alcoholic, and just said "cut down".

My point is, that alcohol was pretending to make me happy (after a long day at work), while secretly it was stealing my time, my health, my money, my self respect and my ability to enjoy life, for so many years.

Now I've been free from the dreadful stuff for several months, and my life is so much richer, I feel a freedom and joy that I used to have as a child.

You have a lot to gain by kicking this habit in to touch now, I hope you stick around, you'll find lots of support, and your future self will be able to look back and cheer you on.

Hope you're sleeping well, I'm so glad you posted
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Old 08-31-2014, 01:30 AM
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Hi SC277, I was just like freein, but drank a lot more, 3 bottles were just about enough a night, unbelievable now but true.

I truly wish I'd had the internet when I was younger to look up hangovers etc the next morning. Some guidance just to know I wasn't alone.

All the best, keep posting and reading.
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Old 08-31-2014, 01:33 AM
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The biggest reasons I'd keep drinking is I'd always have an upcoming event, be it work or social that was drinking related. Mentally I'd tell myself I need to keep drinking "in preparation" for that upcoming event. The problem is there is no perfect time to quit. If you are a problem drinker like us, your mind (AV) will always find another reason to drink. You have to break the cycle.
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Old 08-31-2014, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by sc277 View Post
I always mess it up by forcing myself to believe I am not an alcoholic. I don't drink in the morning, I haven't wrecked my home life, I haven't lost my job. I am young and when I go to meetings I meet people that have different stories from me and it makes it hard to relate. Then I trick myself and tell myself I am not an alcoholic because I haven't ruined my entire life.

I know only I can decide if I am an alcoholic. I have said it at meetings, but I don't know what to think. I know I'm growing closer and closer to alcoholism. Still, I know I should be sober. But I have a problem thinking about that I will never be able to drink again. Why should I be punished? I'm 23 years old. I want to have a glass of wine at my wedding, take my younger sister out for her 21st birthday, etc. Should I take the plunge and surrender and commit to sobriety completely? Or should I try and "calm it down" for a few months? I'm rambling but anyone who read this that has any input, please help me. I'm desperate.
It sounds like you have already tried to calm it down, without success. And it's true that you haven't ruined your entire life, but you left out the operative word: yet.

If you are an alcoholic, your drinking and the consequences will continue to increase. At some point, your perspective will change about drinking and punishment. I was able to quit when the prospect continued drinking was worse than dying, and I knew I had years before I could expect that respite.

AA's big book talks about delusion being part of the disease. Here's the definition of delusion: "a false belief maintained despite ample evidence to the contrary." Until you are willing and able every day to accept that you cannot drink successfully, you will continue to struggle with getting sober. I sincerely hope you get there before the consequences become irreversible.
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Old 08-31-2014, 01:48 AM
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Welcome hello !
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Old 08-31-2014, 04:17 AM
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Sc277, I think most of us have been where you are right now. You talk about alcohol as a positive-having a drink at your wedding, feeling punished by not being able to drink etc...How about the flip side? Without alcohol, you won't be awake suffering from anxiety, you won't blackout and wake up on the bathroom floor, you won't risk hurting yourself or someone else while driving under the influence.

I grappled with the same questions as you. This is a great place for support so hang around, read and keep posting.
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Old 08-31-2014, 05:20 AM
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Welcome! I'm glad you are recognizing it so early at 23 and wanting/willing to change. I wish I had at your age- it took me almost 2 decades. Like Dee said, try it for 24 hours, and then another 24 etc. and keep stopping in, it's a great network of support.
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Old 08-31-2014, 05:49 AM
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hey SC...

you don't need to choose a label in order to decide that what drinking is doing to you isn't what you want for your life. I still struggle with the label "alcoholic" for a lot of reasons. I use it when I'm at AA meetings, but I often don't really identify with it. I prefer to think of myself as a person who has decided that life is richer, fuller and more joyous without alcohol.

Your patterns - regardless of what you call them - are impacting your life in a very negative way. Your patterns are essentially the same patterns I had at 23. Suffice to say I never "got it out of my system". I just continued on like that until my 40's. I DID get DUI's. I lost money, marriages, and precious time off my life.

I hope you can take hold of a strong choice for sobriety and see how much better your life will be without this burden of booze.

We're here for ya!

Welcome.

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Old 08-31-2014, 06:03 AM
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I was exactly the same as you at 23, but I thought it was normal. It's only hit me in the last 2 years really I have a problem and the last month that I need to stop completely. I'm now 38, well done to you for recognising it so young and wanting to do something about it. I find this site very helpful, I hope it helps you as much.
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Old 08-31-2014, 07:43 AM
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Welcome!!
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Old 08-31-2014, 10:09 AM
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Thank you everyone. So many good thoughts. I have a lot to reflect on today and I am appreciative of this site already.
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Old 08-31-2014, 10:24 AM
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That's amazing sc277
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