My First Day Sober
I am not really sure how these boards work but I figured I would give this a shot and introduce myself.
I am a 23-year-old "problem drinker" that has been drinking since I was 15. I have struggled with getting sober for the last 6 months. I've been in and out of meetings the whole time but never truly committed to the program. After another blackout last night, I'm decided to give sobriety another shot. I once stayed sober for 4 months. I want to try again but I have some concerns before I commit.
My drinking pattern consists of the following. I drink about 4-5 days a week, blacking out at least 1 night a week, and drinking anywhere from 5-12 drinks each night. I usually drive myself home from the bar each time (I have never had a DUI out of sheer luck.) I no longer keep alcohol in the house, but when I want to drink by myself I buy a bottle of wine and a 1/2 pint of something hard and finish both. To some people this is excessive, but many have told me this is not true "alcoholism' and I'm just "getting it out of my system"... even though at my rate it should have been out of my system years ago.
So, whenever I try and stay sober, I always mess it up by forcing myself to believe I am not an alcoholic. I don't drink in the morning, I haven't wrecked my home life, I haven't lost my job. I am young and when I go to meetings I meet people that have different stories from me and it makes it hard to relate. Then I trick myself and tell myself I am not an alcoholic because I haven't ruined my entire life.
I know only I can decide if I am an alcoholic. I have said it at meetings, but I don't know what to think. I know I'm growing closer and closer to alcoholism. Still, I know I should be sober. But I have a problem thinking about that I will never be able to drink again. Why should I be punished? I'm 23 years old. I want to have a glass of wine at my wedding, take my younger sister out for her 21st birthday, etc. Should I take the plunge and surrender and commit to sobriety completely? Or should I try and "calm it down" for a few months? I'm rambling but anyone who read this that has any input, please help me. I'm desperate.