Get the devil outta my head
So sent AH to rehab on Friday. Leaving him there was horrible, that night was horrible, the first part of the next day was horrible. Yesterday evening and today though, were good.
I realize I am SOOOO codependent on him, and he is codependent on me. How do I know this? Being alone in the house almost made me want to die. First, I have never lived alone. Grew up in a family of 6 children. Went to college and lived in a sorority house of 33 girls, then moved out and in with AH (this was prior to his drinking). Second, who wants to come home and hang out with someone they don't like? I would have rather come home to a passed out drunk than come home to ME. How gross is that? Pretty gross.
So I threw myself a pity party, deciding I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce, I was a bad person, we were toxic together, I was never going to be happy and he deserves a happy person. I got so into my head.
After spending all Friday night and Saturday morning crying, I went to a meeting (been going every day for 7 days now), and when I got out, I had the most awful hateful text message from his sister (who is a dry drunk herself). I mean literally the cruelest thing anyone has *ever* said to me and I was the victim of relentless bullying when I was younger. I lost my mind so hard and was hysterical on the phone to my mom. When she asked me what she could do for me, all I could thing was, "take me out back and shoot me." She of course was furious saying how evil his family are, I don't need to be around evil people. Sure I was going to divorce him. I called my pastor. He said something that I totally did not expect or frankly want. I needed to be a big girl and tell her I refuse to accept verbal abuse and block her phone and any contact with her. So I did that.
And I got down (figuratively, I was at work) on my hands and knees and asked God to either kill me or remove this burden from my heart. Then I got a flash like a thunderclap. "Wait, hold up, none of that nonsense she said about you is true. Its all lies! Why are you causing yourself pain over lies that are HER PROBLEM." That was my rock bottom. God gave me the answer and a peace came over me. I still have niggling feelings of self doubt and anger for sure, but when I do, I just ask God to get the devil outta my head.
I felt better today. Been able to distance myself from AH a bit. He is at rehab doing his thing. Hes safe, he's not drinking. I am here doing my thing and just trying to keep today about today.
I am emotionally exhausted right now and I gotta get the devil outta my head right now. I am totally future tripping. About how hard it is going to be when I have to live with him again. If it is going to work we are going to have to be ok ourselves, and have to meet eachother again. And I am going to have to get over my resentment issues, and grudge holding, and not prod him, and, and, and, and. Getting myself anxious about it. Something I really don't need to be doing. Trusting God is awesome and all, but allowing Him to chip away all the control issues I have is emotionally exhausted. I feel naked, vulnerable.
Are any of you of the age to have watched "The Neverending Story" as a kid? I feel like God has come in like the Nothing, sweeping away every last bit of me until the one grain of sand is left. And I know that building myself from that one grain of sand is possible, and will happen, it is just exhausting.