Get the devil outta my head

Old 08-24-2014, 11:38 PM
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Get the devil outta my head

So sent AH to rehab on Friday. Leaving him there was horrible, that night was horrible, the first part of the next day was horrible. Yesterday evening and today though, were good.

I realize I am SOOOO codependent on him, and he is codependent on me. How do I know this? Being alone in the house almost made me want to die. First, I have never lived alone. Grew up in a family of 6 children. Went to college and lived in a sorority house of 33 girls, then moved out and in with AH (this was prior to his drinking). Second, who wants to come home and hang out with someone they don't like? I would have rather come home to a passed out drunk than come home to ME. How gross is that? Pretty gross.

So I threw myself a pity party, deciding I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce, I was a bad person, we were toxic together, I was never going to be happy and he deserves a happy person. I got so into my head.

After spending all Friday night and Saturday morning crying, I went to a meeting (been going every day for 7 days now), and when I got out, I had the most awful hateful text message from his sister (who is a dry drunk herself). I mean literally the cruelest thing anyone has *ever* said to me and I was the victim of relentless bullying when I was younger. I lost my mind so hard and was hysterical on the phone to my mom. When she asked me what she could do for me, all I could thing was, "take me out back and shoot me." She of course was furious saying how evil his family are, I don't need to be around evil people. Sure I was going to divorce him. I called my pastor. He said something that I totally did not expect or frankly want. I needed to be a big girl and tell her I refuse to accept verbal abuse and block her phone and any contact with her. So I did that.

And I got down (figuratively, I was at work) on my hands and knees and asked God to either kill me or remove this burden from my heart. Then I got a flash like a thunderclap. "Wait, hold up, none of that nonsense she said about you is true. Its all lies! Why are you causing yourself pain over lies that are HER PROBLEM." That was my rock bottom. God gave me the answer and a peace came over me. I still have niggling feelings of self doubt and anger for sure, but when I do, I just ask God to get the devil outta my head.

I felt better today. Been able to distance myself from AH a bit. He is at rehab doing his thing. Hes safe, he's not drinking. I am here doing my thing and just trying to keep today about today.

I am emotionally exhausted right now and I gotta get the devil outta my head right now. I am totally future tripping. About how hard it is going to be when I have to live with him again. If it is going to work we are going to have to be ok ourselves, and have to meet eachother again. And I am going to have to get over my resentment issues, and grudge holding, and not prod him, and, and, and, and. Getting myself anxious about it. Something I really don't need to be doing. Trusting God is awesome and all, but allowing Him to chip away all the control issues I have is emotionally exhausted. I feel naked, vulnerable.

Are any of you of the age to have watched "The Neverending Story" as a kid? I feel like God has come in like the Nothing, sweeping away every last bit of me until the one grain of sand is left. And I know that building myself from that one grain of sand is possible, and will happen, it is just exhausting.
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Old 08-24-2014, 11:59 PM
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Originally Posted by TerpGal View Post

And I got down (figuratively, I was at work) on my hands and knees and asked God to either kill me or remove this burden from my heart. Then I got a flash like a thunderclap. "Wait, hold up, none of that nonsense she said about you is true. Its all lies! Why are you causing yourself pain over lies that are HER PROBLEM." That was my rock bottom. God gave me the answer and a peace came over me. I still have niggling feelings of self doubt and anger for sure, but when I do, I just ask God to get the devil outta my head.
Yes.



Are any of you of the age to have watched "The Neverending Story" as a kid? I feel like God has come in like the Nothing, sweeping away every last bit of me until the one grain of sand is left. And I know that building myself from that one grain of sand is possible, and will happen, it is just exhausting.
Yes.

and

Amen.
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Old 08-25-2014, 12:10 AM
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"I realize I am SOOOO codependent on him, and he is codependent on me. How do I know this? Being alone in the house almost made me want to die."

This is exactly how I am feeling as well. Friday my girlfriend had court (charges for stupid stuff that had happened when she was using) and we were expecting the case to be dragged out and what not but looks like they already gave her her best offer that she is gonna get, which is going to jail for 3-4 months rather than 5-20 years. 3-4 months is nothing, but also I know it's gonna feel like 5 years. I'm future tripping and I HATE that none of this is in my control. I've been trying so hard to ask god to just ease this pain for us but it's hard. I like what you said about asking god "to kill me or remove this burden from my heart" cuz it just really hits the nail on the head.

But it def seems like you're on the right path by going to meetings and acknowledging what's bothering you and reaching out. Try letting go and just letting god take over. Hugs!
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Old 08-25-2014, 04:12 AM
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TerpGal, late last night I posted about my pity party. Facing my demons, my past, my codependency was getting to be to much for me last night. I feel asleep but woke up at 2 am picking up right where I left off. I did a lot of praying myself even talking to myself reciting prayer out loud. I'm sure if anyone had heard they would have assumed I had gone off the deep end but it was quite the opposite. Like you I was able to find calm and peace. We are strong and we will be okay with or without these people in our lives. Some of the problems are them some of it is us and that's just how it is, maybe even exactly how its supposed to be.

I was happy reading your post this morning. I haven't thought about the Nothing from that movie in forever but I remember and i totally get it. Hang in there today, be strong! While I'm talking to myself out loud today I'll say a prayer for you too!
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Old 08-25-2014, 06:12 AM
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TerpGal.....just keep reminding yourself to stay in the present. As for the rest, "Let Go and Let God".

Going to a meeting every day is a very good thing for you, right now. I say to just keep it up. The rest is out of your hands.

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