I'm struggling with the same feelings- I recently reconnected with my first love and found out he was in recovery from a lengthy 15 yr heroin addiction. He is the 3rd in the string of now failed relationships with addicts/recovering addicts. Everything seemed to be going great with our reconnection until last week when he pretty much dumped me and severed all contact so that he could focus on his first year of recovery. I want nothing more than for him to stay sober and go through the recovery process. But the heartbreak of finally looking inward at my own set of problems has sent me in a confused roller coaster of a downward spiral. I'm so sick of crying, feeling lost, sad, pathetic and unlovable. I started attending Nar-Anon when we reconnected in the Spring in a effort to aid him in his recovery process. I understand now that I'm the really sick one. I know where a lot of my problems stem from- mainly from growing up with a bi-polar, drug addicted brother. My mother enabled and my family adjusted by becoming dysfunctional and 8 yrs ago I lost my brother, my only sibling, to an Oxy overdose. Knowing where my behaviors stem from hasn't seemed to help. I attend both Nar-Anon and Al-Anon and read every self help and codependency book I can get my hands on. I don't feel like anything is improving and I'm so tired of feeling overwhelming sad and alone - Many days - I too wish I could just go numb. I, like you, don't know how much longer I can stand this. SR has been the one good thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks. I'm very glad I've stumbled upon it. At least I have found a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone. But even that is somewhat bittersweet because I don't like to think that there are so many sad, lost souls out there. I wish I could somehow magically fix these feelings for all of us. I just want so desperately to be happy, and find peace and serenity.