pity party

Old 08-24-2014, 07:52 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
bringiton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
pity party

I feel like I want to quit. I never expected my H getting sober would turn into such a painful recovery for me. Part of me feels like I'm more scrwed up than he is which is why I was with him in the first place. I don't want to feel anymore I don't want to cry anymore I don't want that sick feeling in my stomach anymore. I don't want to find the next thing that hurts to see or read. I want to be numb. I don't want to think about my past but I'm scared that these feelings won't go away if I don't. Part of me feels like I'm not getting help fast enough and the other part doesn't want help.

I'm afraid for the therapist/counselors to know how I really feel. I'm paranoid that I would say something that could be used against me at some point. What? I don't know, feelings? There are no crimes, no drugs, no abuse of anyone - i havent done anything like that. just the fear of letting them know I hurt? I guess that sounds pretty ridiculous. I question if the things I consider hurtful and abusive to me actually count or I'm just overly sensitive and weak. I'm not supposed to be weak, I'm not supposed to be insecure, I'm not supposed to cry. I'm supposed to get up clean house, go to work and take care of the kids, trust my husband and keep moving or at least that I what I have told myself for many many years.

I feel like I can't believe/trust myself or my RAH because maybe he is still trying to lie or trick me for some reason. Okay, crazy or is it considering the past behaviors? I don't have an alanon sponsor yet, I haven't made a connection at all with anyone so far, I'm not very social or outgoing. We have marriage counseling, I'm trying to stay trusting in my HP and reading, attending church and seeing a therapist on my own. Aside of the relationship with my HP these things have only been going on for a few weeks. I need to slow down but my mind moves so fast and everyday it feels like there is something new. The more I start thinking the more I remember about my past and the more I want to hide. I don't want to be the sick one, that's supposed to be him - unfortunately I think I need to accept that it's both of us.

Recovery sucks. Someone please tell me is worth it.
bringiton is offline  
Old 08-24-2014, 08:03 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
searching peace's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I feel like I was reading what I have been saying to myself. I have no words of wisdom or anything that would help, except to say that you are not alone and I too feel the things you are feeling. This is a very hard situation. I will say prayers that you are strong and find a recovery path that will bring you relief and peace soon. My AH is divorcing me. So hopefully that you still have your RAH and y'all can lean on each other, maybe that will help with both of your recoveries.
searching peace is offline  
Old 08-24-2014, 08:19 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
A friend of mine who's a therapist says when you first start going to therapy, it's like you're opening the gates to the zoo, and you're terrified that ALL the animals are going to escape at once and cause mayhem and eat each other. A good therapist helps you open the gate just enough to let the animals out one by one, and in the "right" order.

It is scary. It took me a long time to get to the stuff that was hard-core. Three years I was in weekly therapy before I could say the words "my husband raped me."

Allow yourself to NOT solve all the problems today. Allow yourself to only deal with what's going on today. Right now. I know when you're a mover and shaker and doer, it's hard to not plan and organize and have the next ten years figured out. It just is.

"Trust the process," my attorney used to say to me when I was freaking out about the divorce and custody stuff. I think the same thing is true with therapy and recovery work. Trust the process. Trust that you will be OK. Trust that where you are right now is OK, too. (((hugs)))
lillamy is offline  
Old 08-24-2014, 08:23 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 215
I'm struggling with the same feelings- I recently reconnected with my first love and found out he was in recovery from a lengthy 15 yr heroin addiction. He is the 3rd in the string of now failed relationships with addicts/recovering addicts. Everything seemed to be going great with our reconnection until last week when he pretty much dumped me and severed all contact so that he could focus on his first year of recovery. I want nothing more than for him to stay sober and go through the recovery process. But the heartbreak of finally looking inward at my own set of problems has sent me in a confused roller coaster of a downward spiral. I'm so sick of crying, feeling lost, sad, pathetic and unlovable. I started attending Nar-Anon when we reconnected in the Spring in a effort to aid him in his recovery process. I understand now that I'm the really sick one. I know where a lot of my problems stem from- mainly from growing up with a bi-polar, drug addicted brother. My mother enabled and my family adjusted by becoming dysfunctional and 8 yrs ago I lost my brother, my only sibling, to an Oxy overdose. Knowing where my behaviors stem from hasn't seemed to help. I attend both Nar-Anon and Al-Anon and read every self help and codependency book I can get my hands on. I don't feel like anything is improving and I'm so tired of feeling overwhelming sad and alone - Many days - I too wish I could just go numb. I, like you, don't know how much longer I can stand this. SR has been the one good thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks. I'm very glad I've stumbled upon it. At least I have found a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone. But even that is somewhat bittersweet because I don't like to think that there are so many sad, lost souls out there. I wish I could somehow magically fix these feelings for all of us. I just want so desperately to be happy, and find peace and serenity.
smc92va is offline  
Old 08-25-2014, 08:53 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
If only you KNEW how many afternoons & evenings I would just lie on the floor & weep because the mess of my own recovery reminded my of that box of Christmas lights tucked up high in the attic...... massive amounts of tangled lines, crossing & connecting, broken bulbs & blown fuses & so meshed together you can't even figure out where to think about looking for a starting place.

And once I did start I found myself poking & picking at it from all sides, a little here, then there, then here, then throwing my hands up because I've hit obstacles I can't see around. Then big, fat sighs & tears & steps backward & sideways.

Then onward. And one day, 5 strands of that tangled mess just detached suddenly & all those little aggravations paid off & I made leaps & bounds of progress in seemingly little time.... but it wasn't.... it was just the payoff moment when all those baby steps resulted in change.

And then, there's ANOTHER box of lights up there?????!!!??? I remember joking with a friend about one issue I had faced saying, "I thought I was just going to be doing a little spring cleaning on a mental closet & when I wrenched open the door I found an entire WING of the house I never knew had been locked away."



Hang in there, it IS hard work to get through early recovery. Removing the alcohol is Step #1 & it's seemingly impossible on it's own, but it is just the beginning of the journey.

(love the zoo reference too, that's so appropriate!)
FireSprite is offline  
Old 08-25-2014, 10:17 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I love the analogy that Firesprite shared here. Makes complete sense to me. I go up and down with recovery. Some days I am full on ready to tackle stuff, and then other days I am a weeping mess on the floor ready to throw in the towel on everything. I think that's normal and you are going to be OK. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just take things one minute at at time, instead of one day at a time and those are the days where I know I need to stop and just breathe. HUGS to you today!
lizatola is offline  
Old 08-25-2014, 11:07 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
bringiton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
Thanks all! My RAH was supposed to go to our marriage counseling this am. He didn't want to go and made up an out. I was able to speak with the doc and she suggested for the next few days I work on acceptance of how the marriage is right now. Not expectations of him but just acceptance. I can try to do that for a couple days. I'm going to try to not think of how long I can accept the way things are and I'm not backing down on boundaries. I go to my individual counseling on Thursday.

Firesprite, every time i think of that I'm going to picture the pretty colors of the lights. Even if only one or two are lit to begin with (and maybe one is flashing) at least there is a glimmer of hope. I'll keep the lights plugged in while I work. I havent been doing so well in the dark lately.

Lillamy I was trampled by a couple of elephants but I survived. Maybe I will start with one nice baby penguin next time. Trying to trust the process, working on acceptance...

,
bringiton is offline  
Old 08-25-2014, 11:10 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by bringiton View Post
Firesprite, every time i think of that I'm going to picture the pretty colors of the lights. Even if only one or two are lit to begin with (and maybe one is flashing) at least there is a glimmer of hope. I'll keep the lights plugged in while I work. I havent been doing so well in the dark lately.
I like that! Great perspective!
FireSprite is offline  
Old 08-25-2014, 03:17 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
bringiton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
RAH came home today with the latest bomb. I begged him to leave to give me space for a couple days. The man without the job went and paid money to tattoo ACCEPTANCE on his forearm. That alone is really no huge deal but on top of everything else, that sinking sick feeling came over me. I'm just looking for calm and normal for one day. He of course is blaming me for his sobriety being in jeopardy away from home. I said his sobriety is his not mine. Suggested he get further wrapped up in the AA life. Said that is what you want and need go be healthy so I can too. I told him that I love him and I hope he goes to our counseling session in a couple of days. He doesn't know if he will he had to think about it. I said okay. Gods hands, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. It was feeling like torture everyday a new discovery. I told him I am someone to be valued and I'm not going to be a victim of his sobriety. He is like an empty shell saying I'm crazy. Fine, I'm crazy even more reason to give me a break.
bringiton is offline  
Old 08-26-2014, 08:15 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Ugh, I'm so sorry. I agree with you that the tattoo represents a big red flag..... showing up for the therapy apt would have gone a lot farther in showing his desire for Acceptance over inking it on his arm at this stage. Any sudden, dramatic decisions like that always raise my eyebrows too.

I'm prettttttty sure you're NOT crazy, but IDK you personally or anything.

Don't listen to his quacking & good for you for seeing that it IS a lot of quacking - his sobriety is his & his alone to manage.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 08-26-2014, 10:04 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
bringiton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
Thank you for your kind words and support. I think I actually detached with love. I have had weak moments but that's all, haven't asked him to come back but haven't been mean. Just good luck this week and hope to see you Thursday. Feels good.
bringiton is offline  
Old 08-26-2014, 12:29 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
did they at least spell it right?
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 08-26-2014, 12:55 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
bringiton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
Don't know its in another language!! He could be totally be lying about what it says. Its exhausting trying to keep track of the crazy. I think he plans on being at his hotel for at least a week. I'm hoping I can settle in with that news and get some sleep. After that maybe I'll be able to tolerate food again. I've been living off Starbucks which isn't a bad way to go.

I kinda hope it is wrong. Yes, I need to grow up... But a girl also needs to laugh
bringiton is offline  
Old 08-26-2014, 01:01 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Trudgin
 
Fly N Buy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by bringiton View Post
I feel like I want to quit.

I don't want to be the sick one, that's supposed to be him - unfortunately I think I need to accept that it's both of us.

Recovery sucks. Someone please tell me is worth it.
These two things are a great start!!! Sobriety, even early - 79 days today, is so much better than being drunk all the time. Sounds like your ready!!!

You can do this if you want to, won't take long for your mind to stop racing!!

Come join us and RAH!!! You can do it!!!!!
Fly N Buy is offline  
Old 08-26-2014, 04:53 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It is okay to just BE. Just sit still and allow yourself to feel what you feel. No judgement, no blame, no shame. Feelings just ARE. Let them come, and let them go.

Then they don't build up steam in their internal hiding place. They get vented, and they drift away.

A very wise person told me a story that I believe is attributed to Buddha. When troubling feelings come, acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea.

It is okay to process a little at a time, when you feel ready. I think Lillamy's analogy to letting the animals out of the zoo one at a time, in the right order, is right on.
ShootingStar1 is offline  
Old 08-27-2014, 09:06 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
Acceptance... Of course!!! Lmao
Faith444 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:48 AM.