pity party
I feel like I want to quit. I never expected my H getting sober would turn into such a painful recovery for me. Part of me feels like I'm more scrwed up than he is which is why I was with him in the first place. I don't want to feel anymore I don't want to cry anymore I don't want that sick feeling in my stomach anymore. I don't want to find the next thing that hurts to see or read. I want to be numb. I don't want to think about my past but I'm scared that these feelings won't go away if I don't. Part of me feels like I'm not getting help fast enough and the other part doesn't want help.
I'm afraid for the therapist/counselors to know how I really feel. I'm paranoid that I would say something that could be used against me at some point. What? I don't know, feelings? There are no crimes, no drugs, no abuse of anyone - i havent done anything like that. just the fear of letting them know I hurt? I guess that sounds pretty ridiculous. I question if the things I consider hurtful and abusive to me actually count or I'm just overly sensitive and weak. I'm not supposed to be weak, I'm not supposed to be insecure, I'm not supposed to cry. I'm supposed to get up clean house, go to work and take care of the kids, trust my husband and keep moving or at least that I what I have told myself for many many years.
I feel like I can't believe/trust myself or my RAH because maybe he is still trying to lie or trick me for some reason. Okay, crazy or is it considering the past behaviors? I don't have an alanon sponsor yet, I haven't made a connection at all with anyone so far, I'm not very social or outgoing. We have marriage counseling, I'm trying to stay trusting in my HP and reading, attending church and seeing a therapist on my own. Aside of the relationship with my HP these things have only been going on for a few weeks. I need to slow down but my mind moves so fast and everyday it feels like there is something new. The more I start thinking the more I remember about my past and the more I want to hide. I don't want to be the sick one, that's supposed to be him - unfortunately I think I need to accept that it's both of us.
Recovery sucks. Someone please tell me is worth it.