Nuudawn

It's been one heck of a week. I'm still sober. The struggle this week threw me for a bit of a loop as I did not encounter such a dismal lingering in my previous sobriety...where each day felt like a bit of a struggle to get through.

It occurred to me today that perhaps the struggle was necessary as it was in the darkness I searched for more resolution...which only came in fits and starts..only for the grey to return again.

It was only today that it occurred to me as I alternated between chores and hanging out here that life is...highs and lows. It's just the way it is. And maybe the acceptance of that provides some of the relief I was searching for.

I think I was struggling against the "grey" like it simply shouldn't "be"..that there MUST be something to relieve it and maybe THAT'S what's making it worse. My resistance to the "grey" or "a bad patch".

I weathered darkness in my youth before alcohol became my frequent elixir...and it passed. And when alcohol was my frequent elixir..there was still plenty of grey.

The absence of it is only providing some "grass is greener on the other side" illusion.
Just like the cigarettes which I succumbed to yesterday.
It was an illusion also.

I think I need to realize there was a purpose to my difficulty this week. Perhaps it strengthened my sobriety more than any pink cloud ever could. I think it made me realize that it doesn't matter if I'm active in addiction or not...grey skies will happen. The sun can't shine everyday.

I suppose people without drinking problems know and deal with that without some illusive "remedy" hanging before them in suspension.

I think I actually learned something here.