Grey Skies Come and Go...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Grey Skies Come and Go...
It's been one heck of a week. I'm still sober. The struggle this week threw me for a bit of a loop as I did not encounter such a dismal lingering in my previous sobriety...where each day felt like a bit of a struggle to get through.
It occurred to me today that perhaps the struggle was necessary as it was in the darkness I searched for more resolution...which only came in fits and starts..only for the grey to return again.
It was only today that it occurred to me as I alternated between chores and hanging out here that life is...highs and lows. It's just the way it is. And maybe the acceptance of that provides some of the relief I was searching for.
I think I was struggling against the "grey" like it simply shouldn't "be"..that there MUST be something to relieve it and maybe THAT'S what's making it worse. My resistance to the "grey" or "a bad patch".
I weathered darkness in my youth before alcohol became my frequent elixir...and it passed. And when alcohol was my frequent elixir..there was still plenty of grey.
The absence of it is only providing some "grass is greener on the other side" illusion.
Just like the cigarettes which I succumbed to yesterday.
It was an illusion also.
I think I need to realize there was a purpose to my difficulty this week. Perhaps it strengthened my sobriety more than any pink cloud ever could. I think it made me realize that it doesn't matter if I'm active in addiction or not...grey skies will happen. The sun can't shine everyday.
I suppose people without drinking problems know and deal with that without some illusive "remedy" hanging before them in suspension.
I think I actually learned something here.
It occurred to me today that perhaps the struggle was necessary as it was in the darkness I searched for more resolution...which only came in fits and starts..only for the grey to return again.
It was only today that it occurred to me as I alternated between chores and hanging out here that life is...highs and lows. It's just the way it is. And maybe the acceptance of that provides some of the relief I was searching for.
I think I was struggling against the "grey" like it simply shouldn't "be"..that there MUST be something to relieve it and maybe THAT'S what's making it worse. My resistance to the "grey" or "a bad patch".
I weathered darkness in my youth before alcohol became my frequent elixir...and it passed. And when alcohol was my frequent elixir..there was still plenty of grey.
The absence of it is only providing some "grass is greener on the other side" illusion.
Just like the cigarettes which I succumbed to yesterday.
It was an illusion also.
I think I need to realize there was a purpose to my difficulty this week. Perhaps it strengthened my sobriety more than any pink cloud ever could. I think it made me realize that it doesn't matter if I'm active in addiction or not...grey skies will happen. The sun can't shine everyday.
I suppose people without drinking problems know and deal with that without some illusive "remedy" hanging before them in suspension.
I think I actually learned something here.
I've been reading your posts all week Nuudawn, and am very proud of you continually remaining strong, pushing through and viewing things with such a determination and reality, sometimes with great humour about things, it has been very refreshing!!
Fantastic stuff!!
Fantastic stuff!!
Great post, Nuudawn. I've been reading a book called The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. He presents a formula: pain x resistance = suffering. In short, the more we learn how to embrace our pain or lows, the better we can navigate the darkness (and the more we appreciate the happy times). I'm still early on in the book. Learning ways to quell anxiety, fear, or general ickiness is something I've been 'working on' all summer. I'm starting to think that maybe it's time to stop working on making it go away/never arise and start learning how to accept it when it inevitably does.
I agree that alcohol was my dumb way of "livening things up" when life got tough or boring. Now I know it only made things better for that first drink; anything past that was superfluous and then just plain bad.
I am with you in the recent realization that sometimes life is just hard. Or boring. Or meh. Or sad. And sometimes life is really good, and happy, and enjoyable. We take the good with the bad. Taking the good and avoiding the bad is not a very grown up thing to do, eh?
Good thoughts, Nuu. Here's to a better week!
I am with you in the recent realization that sometimes life is just hard. Or boring. Or meh. Or sad. And sometimes life is really good, and happy, and enjoyable. We take the good with the bad. Taking the good and avoiding the bad is not a very grown up thing to do, eh?
Good thoughts, Nuu. Here's to a better week!
I too have been keeping up with your posts all week. Thrilled at this latest update but not surprised. You, my friend, have got it going on. You are the bees knees, Nu, a true inspiration.
While reading this I had one thought that kept coming thru for me. Sometimes you have to sit in the mud & muck of life before you can move on thru it. So many times we rail against it, fight the yuckiness at every turn when all we need to do is just sit, be still, feel it and wait for it to pass over. If we're lucky we learn from it so the next time it comes (& honey you know it will) it might not last as long. We can say, "Oh. You again. I know you - it must be time for some introspection. There's something I need to feel. Time for another lesson." Sucks at the time, but we're the lucky ones. You know it?
Keep it up, girlfriend. Love that your blazing a trail I can't wait to follow.
While reading this I had one thought that kept coming thru for me. Sometimes you have to sit in the mud & muck of life before you can move on thru it. So many times we rail against it, fight the yuckiness at every turn when all we need to do is just sit, be still, feel it and wait for it to pass over. If we're lucky we learn from it so the next time it comes (& honey you know it will) it might not last as long. We can say, "Oh. You again. I know you - it must be time for some introspection. There's something I need to feel. Time for another lesson." Sucks at the time, but we're the lucky ones. You know it?
Keep it up, girlfriend. Love that your blazing a trail I can't wait to follow.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Thank you! That really resonates with me today. I think I was in an absolute "dither" about how powerless I felt to ease my discomfort and anxiety. I think I was driving myself positively mental in trying to "sort it"...rather than leaning into it and simply accepting it.
Tonight I read something in a book I am getting a lot out of it (when I pick it up from time to time : ). It's called "Addiction & Grace" by Gerald May.
Anyhow, when I came upon this passage I felt a pang in my heart. Bullseye I guess.
"When we are especially attached to a bad self-image and its associated thoughts and feelings, we call ourselves depressed. We all know what this kind of depression is like. It is different from major psychiatric depressions, which stifle life energy. An addictive depression has an energy all its own; it feeds on itself and on our attempts to overcome it, just as any addiction does. And even though it feels awful, we cling to it because it gives us a solid sense of who we are. We become accustomed to it, addicted to being depressed. For most of us the attachment is transient one that follows certain blows to our egos; we wind up kicking ourselves out of it before it goes on too long. Others go into therapy and try to find a somewhat better self-image to substitute. But some of us make a life long habit of it; it's how we really feel about ourselves, way down deep.
The author went on to talk about prayer and how it involves listening. Listening? This was a new one on me. It got me to thinking about meditation and how perhaps I am overcomplicating it.
Moments later I was in my truck and just made a conscious effort to be still in the space..and listen. I cannot describe the peace and...refreshment I felt...just being quiet...listening..observing my own thoughts and listening to the messages being brought forth.
In one example of something that is causing me a bit of anxiety, when the thought crossed my mind (the anxiety inducing one) I became "attuned" to my very real sense of fear and what I was truly afraid of. It was amazing.
All I can say is I have now decided to make a conscious effort to take the time each day to just be still...and breathe...and listen.
Thanks all for for your thoughts...PK, Raider, Gotgrace, SJ
Tonight I read something in a book I am getting a lot out of it (when I pick it up from time to time : ). It's called "Addiction & Grace" by Gerald May.
Anyhow, when I came upon this passage I felt a pang in my heart. Bullseye I guess.
"When we are especially attached to a bad self-image and its associated thoughts and feelings, we call ourselves depressed. We all know what this kind of depression is like. It is different from major psychiatric depressions, which stifle life energy. An addictive depression has an energy all its own; it feeds on itself and on our attempts to overcome it, just as any addiction does. And even though it feels awful, we cling to it because it gives us a solid sense of who we are. We become accustomed to it, addicted to being depressed. For most of us the attachment is transient one that follows certain blows to our egos; we wind up kicking ourselves out of it before it goes on too long. Others go into therapy and try to find a somewhat better self-image to substitute. But some of us make a life long habit of it; it's how we really feel about ourselves, way down deep.
The author went on to talk about prayer and how it involves listening. Listening? This was a new one on me. It got me to thinking about meditation and how perhaps I am overcomplicating it.
Moments later I was in my truck and just made a conscious effort to be still in the space..and listen. I cannot describe the peace and...refreshment I felt...just being quiet...listening..observing my own thoughts and listening to the messages being brought forth.
In one example of something that is causing me a bit of anxiety, when the thought crossed my mind (the anxiety inducing one) I became "attuned" to my very real sense of fear and what I was truly afraid of. It was amazing.
All I can say is I have now decided to make a conscious effort to take the time each day to just be still...and breathe...and listen.
Thanks all for for your thoughts...PK, Raider, Gotgrace, SJ
I think there's a lot to that! You don't have to roll over and accept stuff that sucks, but at the same time you have to acknowledge that sometimes it will suck- and that's okay. I try to bear in mind that all things are in transition. I try not to get too delirious when things are good because they never stay perfect but by the same token bad things generally pass too.
This is exactly how I feel
Love your work. The hardest part of my recovery is dealing with "me". Getting out of my own way is easier said than done, learning to recognise and deal with feelings seems to be central to the process.
I think I need to realize there was a purpose to my difficulty this week. Perhaps it strengthened my sobriety more than any pink cloud ever could. I think it made me realize that it doesn't matter if I'm active in addiction or not...grey skies will happen. The sun can't shine everyday.
I suppose people without drinking problems know and deal with that without some illusive "remedy" hanging before them in suspension.
I think I actually learned something here.
I suppose people without drinking problems know and deal with that without some illusive "remedy" hanging before them in suspension.
I think I actually learned something here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)