Thank you AlwaysGrowing- I think I really needed to hear that. It's a hard concept to understand, but I'm desperately trying to. He did always say he didn't want me to treat him like an addict or a recovering addict. He didn't want that to be part of our story. I just got out of a much needed Al-Anon meeting. The topic was letting go with love. It was what I needed and it was a sign that my higher power was listening to my endless prayers. If you love something set it free they say. I don't know why this is so hard for me. But I do know those are my issues and not his. I hope God grants me another occasion in my life to see him again. If everything does happen for a reason - then there has to be some reason I'm yet to fully understand of why after so many years and such great geographical distance we found each other again. I love him so much, I have to find the power inside me to let him go. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger- by the time I'm done I'll be able to lift cars with my pinky finger;-)